Baby boomers and late life divorce

[EA82]

Originally Posted By: Smokescreen
Originally Posted By: Cujet
Originally Posted By: fdcg27
IMO, the only reason that people divorce after many years of marriage is that something was fundamentally wrong from the start.


That's simply not so. Post menopause, 2/3 completely lose interest to the point where even simple affection is gone. The change is often dramatic and difficult for men to accept. Contrast that with the 15% of men who lose libido at the same age. As I mentioned above, late life divorce is overwhelmingly due to female behavior and the husband unwilling to accept a complete lack of affection and celibacy.

We are hormone driven creatures, when those hormones completely and totally disappear, as often happens in menopause, the result is dramatic and marriage often suffers. Female HRT (hormone replacement therapy) can change the situation, but it's not appropriate for all, and many simply have no interest in it.

Remember that healthy men lose testosterone slowly as they age, about 1% per year, and naturally higher testosterone men will still have high levels in old age. Testosterone is an amazingly powerful hormone, it's the drive behind men everywhere.


Having been in a type of leadership position to observe many couples over a period of a decade or more, I can tell you that I have yet to see a marriage that was 100% trouble free. So no, fdcg27 it isn't true. Sure there are some marriages that start off rocky and everyone can see it will be done within a decade. We are talking about a near lifetime of marriage and then calling it quits.

Despite all the love, you still have two separate humans who have a mind and will of their own, trying to make a go of things. In former days, marriage was a means of survival in a harsh world, grow a family and create industry. With society's current prosperity and law configurations, this is no longer the case.

Cujet is dead on. If you take those issues with hormones and couple it with our current societal setup, Marriage has a tough road to hoe. Women have been enabled by law to walk away from marriage at any time and stage of the marriage and actually prosper financially, the likes that have never been seen in history. This has relegated men as disposable, a paycheck. From day 1 of marriage there is the potential of total loss of ...everything for a man, and women know it and the ideas are continually being reinforced to them.

Yet, for the large part, men still seek marriage, still seek to find someone to provide for despite the huge risk.

Very good points Smokescreen.

 

[slo town]

Originally Posted By: Al
Originally Posted By: javacontour
Someone can have an affair and then file for a no-fault divorce.

Someone can file citing "mental cruelty" but never have any evidence. Just say I'm unhappy, so he must be mean, and give me the kids, I'm their mom.

Its called no-fault divorce. Either party can petition for divorce. As it should be.
I know you know little about Family Court. Your statement about "give me the kids" may be stated by the mom...but there is no guarantee that it will be ajudicated in this manner. My daughter spent $50K+, trying to get the kids..ex-lied about her ability to parent. He lost his trophy wife (he cheated on her) and was vindictive.


Family courts can be corrupt. Just because there are "courts", experts", and attorneys", don't think for a moment that corruption does not exist. Some "experts" have been called to testify on behalf of one of the parents, the "expert" giving testimony based on financial bribes.

 

[Mr Nice]

My 50 year old sister recently divorced.

Both kids almost done with college and it was time for her to hit the 'reset' button. Her ex husband was a really decent guy, but there was no love in the marriage, that died years ago.

Why spend the next 25-35 years with someone you no longer want to be with ?

 

[Nyogtha]

You never know.

My sister was married & divorced 3 times before she was 45. She's remained single since #3. Martiage #1 was the only one that really lasted any time.

An ex-girlfriend of mine was married 3 times before she was 28, we dated between her husband #1 & husband #2. Marriage #3 lasted though until they hit their 50's, it melted down over differences in geographical location for pursuit of remaining individual career paths. She's outside Toronto and ex#3 is in the DFW area.

I always said if I got martied I'd only do it once. I was 5 days away from my 34th birthday when I got married, this August will make 22 years. I don't see myself doing it again if something should happen, which is unlikely IMO.

 

[Claud]

Originally Posted By: madRiver
Originally Posted By: Claud
The pre boomer generations didn't throw stuff away when it wasn't working properly, they found out what was wrong and fixed it. That was a different era, and a different moral code back then....

Claud.


If you start a relationship and are thinking you are going fix someone, it ain't going to be pretty. This is not morals or generation specific.


You are misinterpreting my post. I'm not thinking "Aisle, Altar, Hymn", but two people voluntarily entering into a lifelong commitment.
If along the way things go unexpectedly awry, do you abandon the whole project, or deal with the problem?.

Claud.

 

[Cujet]

Originally Posted By: Al

Since when is life "fair"? Plan ahead! Bad decisions lead to life's "unfairness"



Absolutely true! Life is not fair.

1) Thought for the day: Most first marriage "vows" are made when young, often before the brain is fully developed at age 25. I decided to marry at age 23, and married at 24. I question the sanity of holding people to decisions made while very young, idealistic and completely inexperienced.

2) Point to remember (again) : We know a castrated man has zero libido. Yet men ARE NOT educated on what happens to women when their hormones drop to zero as happens to 2 out of 3 post menopausal women.

We can endlessly discuss society, responsibility, feelings, faithfulness, faith, society and the law. But we cannot deny the overwhelming power of hormones and the disastrous results of their loss.

 

[Smokescreen]

My experience has only been with 20-35 years old couples, so post m.p. wasn't a factor. I was merely pointing out that society has created a learned behavior that can perpetuate an attitude of potential serial marriage situations which carry on throughout ones life and the disparity between the sexes as a result.

So Cujet, are these 66% post meno divorced women remaining single and celibate for the remainder of their lives? If so, there should be a glut of single men 60+ looking for relationships with "younger" women.

Further to this hormone loss, have they discovered a correlation between physical fitness levels and proper diet to slow the decrease? There is a direct correlation for dropping T-levels in men and these factors so there should be. T-levels are responsible for libido in both men and women as far I as I understand it.

 

[Mr Nice]

Maybe its as simple as people get bored in a long term marriage and want a change in their lives.

Many got married for the wrong reasons...

 

[Cujet]

Originally Posted By: Smokescreen


So Cujet, are these 66% post meno divorced women remaining single and celibate for the remainder of their lives? If so, there should be a glut of single men 60+ looking for relationships with "younger" women.

Further to this hormone loss, have they discovered a correlation between physical fitness levels and proper diet to slow the decrease?





No to the first point. Many older men, choose to remain married to a celebrate woman. It sometimes happens that such men cheat to remain in a relationship.

Interesting that older women most often initiate the divorce, often clearly stating they have zero affection for their husbands and despise his touch.

There is no question that fit women are healthier. Thee is also no question that despite their best efforts, post menopausal hormone levels can and do drop to near zero.

Grandpa knew this, yet failed to pass on his experiences. It was a forbidden subject 50+ years ago.

 

[andrewp1998]

Originally Posted By: bbhero
A very high percentage of men in my area who are 60 yes or older... Typically have "wives" who are 15-20 years younger than them. Quite a common phenomenon here. It is rather rare to see older men and women together.



$$$$$ thats why!!!

 

[Smokescreen]

Sadly, this is the picture that is being illustrated:


Couple hits late 50's, early 60's
1- woman hits menopause and is a lucky 33%er to have hormone levels not drop to zero remain happily married until death.

or

2- She is of the 66% of women who lose all interest in intimacy,
2a) leads to divorce, the woman remains single until death (which they could be content with). The divorced man marries a 40 year old woman, is married for 10-15 years, where he is faced with the same dilemma...repeat or unless he loses intimate interest or he dies.
2b) has a husband that stays in a marriage with no intimacy, where the husband will most likely cheat with a 40 or 50 year old...because well...nature.
2c) stays married and lets the husband have mistresses. (this probably happens)

Dang. Every way you look at it. Biologically speaking only...man wins...in the later in life scenario.

 

[ATex7239]

Maybe they made it out of the hectic bubble of working & raising kids for decades only to realize they don’t actually like each other anymore... My ex-wife and I (high school sweethearts) realized we grew apart after I got out of the military and was home a lot more. Not entirely unheard of.

 

[wtd]

Originally Posted By: Smokescreen
Originally Posted By: Cujet
Originally Posted By: fdcg27
IMO, the only reason that people divorce after many years of marriage is that something was fundamentally wrong from the start.


That's simply not so. Post menopause, 2/3 completely lose interest to the point where even simple affection is gone. The change is often dramatic and difficult for men to accept. Contrast that with the 15% of men who lose libido at the same age. As I mentioned above, late life divorce is overwhelmingly due to female behavior and the husband unwilling to accept a complete lack of affection and celibacy.

We are hormone driven creatures, when those hormones completely and totally disappear, as often happens in menopause, the result is dramatic and marriage often suffers. Female HRT (hormone replacement therapy) can change the situation, but it's not appropriate for all, and many simply have no interest in it.

Remember that healthy men lose testosterone slowly as they age, about 1% per year, and naturally higher testosterone men will still have high levels in old age. Testosterone is an amazingly powerful hormone, it's the drive behind men everywhere.


Having been in a type of leadership position to observe many couples over a period of a decade or more, I can tell you that I have yet to see a marriage that was 100% trouble free. So no, fdcg27 it isn't true. Sure there are some marriages that start off rocky and everyone can see it will be done within a decade. We are talking about a near lifetime of marriage and then calling it quits.

Despite all the love, you still have two separate humans who have a mind and will of their own, trying to make a go of things. In former days, marriage was a means of survival in a harsh world, grow a family and create industry. With society's current prosperity and law configurations, this is no longer the case.

Cujet is dead on. If you take those issues with hormones and couple it with our current societal setup, Marriage has a tough road to hoe. Women have been enabled by law to walk away from marriage at any time and stage of the marriage and actually prosper financially, the likes that have never been seen in history. This has relegated men as disposable, a paycheck. From day 1 of marriage there is the potential of total loss of ...everything for a man, and women know it and the ideas are continually being reinforced to them.

Yet, for the large part, men still seek marriage, still seek to find someone to provide for despite the huge risk.


This is what I have seen as well from My own personal experience and from people that I know that have gotten divorced. The man in the majority of the cases that I know, come out on the losing end of the stick in a divorce. In my case I had to pay a significant amount of CS, Keep medical and dental on the kids, and give her 65% of my retirement account at the time and she got the kids 95% of the time. The only benefit I got out of the deal was I got to keep our house with only nine years left to pay on it(I had to pay her, her share of the equity). Other than that, she benefited all of the way to the bank. My CS stops in November so at least I can have some breathing room.

I'm pretty jaded when it comes to marriage and long term relationships because of what I have seen and experienced. I'm currently in a 14 year relationship with a woman but I have doubts that it will last due to her relationship with a guy from high school that she saw at her HS reunion last year. She says they are just friends but from some questionable behavior on her part, makes me question that.

I'm 51 so if this doesn't work out, I'm done with relationships.

 

[quint]

Ah, the "we're just friends" curse. Seen too many friends, and a few family members, get burned by that. Its the automotive equivalent to "It just needs a tune up" when looking at a used car.

I find that 99.99746% of the time when someone says "just friends", you can replace the "just" with "we are more than..", at least emotionally. "Just friends" is usually just the tip of a very large 'friend' iceberg....

 

[wtd]

Originally Posted By: quint
Ah, the "we're just friends" curse. Seen too many friends, and a few family members, get burned by that. Its the automotive equivalent to "It just needs a tune up" when looking at a used car.

I find that 99.99746% of the time when someone says "just friends", you can replace the "just" with "we are more than..", at least emotionally. "Just friends" is usually just the tip of a very large 'friend' iceberg....


I've seen it many times before as well and the ex-wife played that card one time too. With my current girlfriend I think it was the emotional thing but she is now treating me like she likes me again and not like she did last summer when she was always mad at me and picking fights so who knows. I know it's been a rough nine months.

 

[Schmoe]

I actually brought this subject up to my wife last night to see how'd she react/comments are. She said that what she see's and hears, she's a dialysis RN so she see's a lot of elder people, is that a lot of the boomer generation got married very young and didn't really get to know each other prior to marriage because it was the norm at that time. She said that we knew each other a long time before we got married, made me feel good. Then she said that if you leave me I will track you down and kill you. Is that love or what????

 

[Wolf359]

Originally Posted By: Schmoe
Then she said that if you leave me I will track you down and kill you. Is that love or what????


Probably a variation of:

"If you love something, let it go. If it doesn’t come back, hunt it down and kill it."

 

[Mr Nice]

Originally Posted By: Schmoe
I actually brought this subject up to my wife last night to see how'd she react/comments are. She said that what she see's and hears, she's a dialysis RN so she see's a lot of elder people, is that a lot of the boomer generation got married very young and didn't really get to know each other prior to marriage because it was the norm at that time. She said that we knew each other a long time before we got married, made me feel good. Then she said that if you leave me I will track you down and kill you. Is that love or what????


How long did you know her before you got married?