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Mental health VS Daily lifefamilymarriage struggle #4571452
11/12/17 05:40 AM
11/12/17 05:40 AM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 386
Reunion Island
Superflan Offline OP
Superflan  Offline OP
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 386
Reunion Island
Hi there,

Ok Iím getting a bit personal here, but Iím looking for anything you might say after reading this.

First, I have a depressive background since I was 5yo. Wasnít aware at this moment, but itís obvious now that I look back. That said, I went though 3 years of therapy, psychology and psychiatry. I feel really better now, but...

My life has changed. In my 20s, I used to enjoy hanging out with friends, motorcycle rides, car joyrides, listening music, making some, I had many hobbies.

Now Iím 30, Iím married, have a 2yo son with my wife who already have a now 6yo daughter. I work as an IT MSP and enjoy what I do. Family life is hard because constantly being in a underlying war with the daughter, wife avoiding intimacy with me, coming up with various reasons day after day. Not having time to do what I loved to, barely see friends, motorcycle barely 1 time every 2 weeks, well... Iím trying everything I can to make it (family life) right but I feel alone, itís like it will never happen, still I hope.

Although Iíd probably be better somewhere else doing something else with someone else, divorce isnít an option for now, first I love my wife, second we have a son. So I try to accept and deal with it but... Iím tired.


Peugeot Partner 1.9 D, 5W40 C3, 245000 Km, running on WVO
Wife's Mitsubishi Outlander PHEV, dealerís overfilled, 16000 Km
Re: Mental health VS Daily lifefamilymarriage struggle [Re: Superflan] #4571456
11/12/17 06:02 AM
11/12/17 06:02 AM
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 994
Bremerton, WA
DemoFly Offline
DemoFly  Offline
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 994
Bremerton, WA
Pretty common story.

Most of these issues are communication based, even the issue with the daughter.

You're talking about your marriage on a website about motor oil. Why are you not talking to your wife? Is this something that doesn't happen? Would approaching your wife feel abnormal?

What stopped you from doing the things you enjoy? It wasn't having children. It was something else.


Pushrods, please.
Re: Mental health VS Daily lifefamilymarriage struggle [Re: Superflan] #4571459
11/12/17 06:16 AM
11/12/17 06:16 AM
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 7,427
Jupiter, Florida
Cujet Offline
Cujet  Offline
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 7,427
Jupiter, Florida
I'm sure you have good doctors, but you might want to double check both testosterone levels and thyroid levels. Both can cause exactly the symptoms you describe if those levels are sub-optimal. I'd be happy to PM you my story if you'd like. Let's put it this way, your health, confidence, physical prowess, the way you dress, testosterone level and so on all affect how others treat you. Remember, others, from your friends, to your boss and your mate, may not want time with you if you are sub-optimal, as the attraction is lost. The confidence that comes with testosterone, ability that comes with intelligence and capability that comes with physical conditioning are very important to a man's well being. Only you have control over these things.


People who count on their fingers should maintain a discreet silence.
Re: Mental health VS Daily lifefamilymarriage struggle [Re: DemoFly] #4571460
11/12/17 06:20 AM
11/12/17 06:20 AM
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 7,427
Jupiter, Florida
Cujet Offline
Cujet  Offline
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 7,427
Jupiter, Florida
Originally Posted By: DemoFly
Why are you not talking to your wife? Is this something that doesn't happen? Would approaching your wife feel abnormal?

What stopped you from doing the things you enjoy? It wasn't having children. It was something else.


I promise talking with the wife won't help. BTDT. One cannot talk a spouse into attraction.

Oh, and doing the manly things you like (dirt bikes/motorcycles, flying, fast boats, race cars, etc) is an absolute imperative. Women may complain about such hobbies, but they will lose respect for you for giving them up, or not having them at all.

Last edited by Cujet; 11/12/17 06:22 AM.

People who count on their fingers should maintain a discreet silence.
Re: Mental health VS Daily lifefamilymarriage struggle [Re: Superflan] #4571463
11/12/17 06:26 AM
11/12/17 06:26 AM
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 9,051
North Carolina
spasm3 Online content
spasm3  Online Content
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 9,051
North Carolina
In addition to what Cujet stated, I cannot stress enough to have vitamin D levels checked in the winter months. Especially if you do not get a lot of sun exposure.


13 elantra 70k 5w30 QSUD
03 chevy avalanche79k synpwr 10w30
01 saturnsc1 185k synpwr rebuilt
17 mazda cx-5 5600 miles m1 0w30
Re: Mental health VS Daily lifefamilymarriage struggle [Re: Superflan] #4571464
11/12/17 06:27 AM
11/12/17 06:27 AM
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 40,887
'Stralia
Shannow Offline
Shannow  Offline
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 40,887
'Stralia
Worker bee syndrome...gets us all.

Re: Mental health VS Daily lifefamilymarriage struggle [Re: Superflan] #4571470
11/12/17 07:00 AM
11/12/17 07:00 AM
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 71
Murfreesboro, TN
Veilside Offline
Veilside  Offline
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 71
Murfreesboro, TN
You need to talk to your wife. A frank, honest, discussion about how each of you is feeling will do much to enlighten both of you to the reasons for the others actions. There are probably unmet expectations on both sides of this equation. Most times when women withhold intimacy, it's because they feel unloved. And conversely, when a man feels disrespected, he withholds love. It's a vicious cycle. And then we add in the stressors of kids and money and the cycle accelerates.

I encourage you to begin by removing divorce as an option from the table; that should be an absolute final option, and definitely not a tool to be used in any discussion. Marriage is not easy, it's work. And having young kids puts tremendous stress on any marriage. But also don't forget that you are in a season of life that will pass. They will grow up and move on with their lives.

I also encourage you all to seek counsel. That may be in the form of marriage counseling, or simply finding a support system of people who are in a similar season of life with whom you can share your frustrations and successes.

You also mentioned your depressive history, it may be a good idea for you to ask your doctor if an anti-depressant may be helpful, at least short term.

All that said, communicate with your wife, what you all saw in each other that caused you to marry is still there. Life's just complicating things like it does for all of us.


2011 Hyundai Sonata 2.4 GDI
2011 Toyota Sienna Limited
Re: Mental health VS Daily lifefamilymarriage struggle [Re: Superflan] #4571472
11/12/17 07:01 AM
11/12/17 07:01 AM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 386
Reunion Island
Superflan Offline OP
Superflan  Offline OP
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 386
Reunion Island
Wow thanks all for the insights. Cujet, Iíll be more than thankful to chat with you.

Maybe I donít have enough willpower to make myself feel/look right rather than focusing on getting my relationship right. It canít really work the way Iím doing, uh?


Peugeot Partner 1.9 D, 5W40 C3, 245000 Km, running on WVO
Wife's Mitsubishi Outlander PHEV, dealerís overfilled, 16000 Km
Re: Mental health VS Daily lifefamilymarriage struggle [Re: Shannow] #4571477
11/12/17 07:15 AM
11/12/17 07:15 AM
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 193
New York
georgemiller Offline
georgemiller  Offline
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 193
New York
This is why many men go thru a mid life crisis.

Man must have hobbies period. If it's working out at the gym, bike riding, martial arts, cars etc. You slowly drifted away from who you we're and now must reclaim it back. Start taking some "ME" time by getting back into what you enjoy. Talk to your wife if she starts complaining about your new interest in the hobbies you enjoyed before you married her. Communication is the key and if she can't understand your need for hobbies that's her problem not yours. Don't miss your children's events do to your hobbies but work them around family life.

Some women are very manipulative and like to pout if men take time for themselves. Don't put up with it, keep your life in balance. You deserve to be happy. Every man goes thru this.

Re: Mental health VS Daily lifefamilymarriage struggle [Re: Veilside] #4571478
11/12/17 07:16 AM
11/12/17 07:16 AM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 386
Reunion Island
Superflan Offline OP
Superflan  Offline OP
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 386
Reunion Island
Originally Posted By: Veilside

I also encourage you all to seek counsel. That may be in the form of marriage counseling,


We tried 1 year ago. She gave up 20 minutes before the 4th session. I went alone. Let alone what I heard from the therapist then...


Peugeot Partner 1.9 D, 5W40 C3, 245000 Km, running on WVO
Wife's Mitsubishi Outlander PHEV, dealerís overfilled, 16000 Km
Re: Mental health VS Daily lifefamilymarriage struggle [Re: Superflan] #4571482
11/12/17 07:26 AM
11/12/17 07:26 AM
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 193
New York
georgemiller Offline
georgemiller  Offline
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 193
New York
If the wife doesn't want to go see a psychologist or counselor then maybe you should keep going alone. Find out about you and what makes you happy and start putting boundary's up so you're spouse can't walk all over you.

Your wife probably quit counseling because she didn't like what she was hearing. Again that's her problem not yours. Focus on yourself, you can't change people.

Re: Mental health VS Daily lifefamilymarriage struggle [Re: Superflan] #4571493
11/12/17 07:50 AM
11/12/17 07:50 AM
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 4,402
Atlanta
DuckRyder Offline
DuckRyder  Offline
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 4,402
Atlanta
Iím surprised no has mentioned it, but what is the ďunderlying warĒ with the daughter/wife about? I promise you getting into a war with your wife's 6 year old daughter is not a path to happiness.

While I agree that you need to make time to do somethings you enjoy, it is a simple fact of life that marriage and children bring responsibilities.


Robert
  • 2007 Toyota Prius Touring
  • 2005 Honda Civic Sedan
  • 1972 Ford F100
Re: Mental health VS Daily lifefamilymarriage struggle [Re: DuckRyder] #4571502
11/12/17 08:03 AM
11/12/17 08:03 AM
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 1,129
Virginia, USA
Tony10s Offline
Tony10s  Offline
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 1,129
Virginia, USA
Originally Posted By: DuckRyder
Iím surprised no has mentioned it, but what is the ďunderlying warĒ with the daughter/wife about? I promise you getting into a war with your wife's 6 year old daughter is not a path to happiness.

While I agree that you need to make time to do somethings you enjoy, it is a simple fact of life that marriage and children bring responsibilities.

+1

Re: Mental health VS Daily lifefamilymarriage struggle [Re: Superflan] #4571511
11/12/17 08:07 AM
11/12/17 08:07 AM
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 9,051
North Carolina
spasm3 Online content
spasm3  Online Content
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 9,051
North Carolina
Originally Posted By: Superflan
Originally Posted By: Veilside

I also encourage you all to seek counsel. That may be in the form of marriage counseling,


We tried 1 year ago. She gave up 20 minutes before the 4th session. I went alone. Let alone what I heard from the therapist then...


That's unusual, typically it's the guy that will not/does not want to go.


13 elantra 70k 5w30 QSUD
03 chevy avalanche79k synpwr 10w30
01 saturnsc1 185k synpwr rebuilt
17 mazda cx-5 5600 miles m1 0w30
Re: Mental health VS Daily lifefamilymarriage struggle [Re: DuckRyder] #4571517
11/12/17 08:16 AM
11/12/17 08:16 AM
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 21,634
Orlando, FL
Mr Nice Offline
Mr Nice  Offline
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 21,634
Orlando, FL
Originally Posted By: DuckRyder
Iím surprised no has mentioned it, but what is the ďunderlying warĒ with the daughter/wife about? I promise you getting into a war with your wife's 6 year old daughter is not a path to happiness.

While I agree that you need to make time to do somethings you enjoy, it is a simple fact of life that marriage and children bring responsibilities.


I immediately saw that but didn't want to bring up subject about daughter.

Of course mom will naturally defend her daughter...

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