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#4571452 - 11/12/17 04:40 AM Mental health VS Daily lifefamilymarriage struggle
Superflan Offline


Registered: 04/28/15
Posts: 357
Loc: Reunion Island
Hi there,

Ok Iím getting a bit personal here, but Iím looking for anything you might say after reading this.

First, I have a depressive background since I was 5yo. Wasnít aware at this moment, but itís obvious now that I look back. That said, I went though 3 years of therapy, psychology and psychiatry. I feel really better now, but...

My life has changed. In my 20s, I used to enjoy hanging out with friends, motorcycle rides, car joyrides, listening music, making some, I had many hobbies.

Now Iím 30, Iím married, have a 2yo son with my wife who already have a now 6yo daughter. I work as an IT MSP and enjoy what I do. Family life is hard because constantly being in a underlying war with the daughter, wife avoiding intimacy with me, coming up with various reasons day after day. Not having time to do what I loved to, barely see friends, motorcycle barely 1 time every 2 weeks, well... Iím trying everything I can to make it (family life) right but I feel alone, itís like it will never happen, still I hope.

Although Iíd probably be better somewhere else doing something else with someone else, divorce isnít an option for now, first I love my wife, second we have a son. So I try to accept and deal with it but... Iím tired.
_________________________
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#4571456 - 11/12/17 05:02 AM Re: Mental health VS Daily lifefamilymarriage struggle [Re: Superflan]
DemoFly Offline


Registered: 06/03/12
Posts: 994
Loc: Bremerton, WA
Pretty common story.

Most of these issues are communication based, even the issue with the daughter.

You're talking about your marriage on a website about motor oil. Why are you not talking to your wife? Is this something that doesn't happen? Would approaching your wife feel abnormal?

What stopped you from doing the things you enjoy? It wasn't having children. It was something else.
_________________________
Pushrods, please.

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#4571459 - 11/12/17 05:16 AM Re: Mental health VS Daily lifefamilymarriage struggle [Re: Superflan]
Cujet Offline


Registered: 02/15/03
Posts: 7139
Loc: Jupiter, Florida
I'm sure you have good doctors, but you might want to double check both testosterone levels and thyroid levels. Both can cause exactly the symptoms you describe if those levels are sub-optimal. I'd be happy to PM you my story if you'd like. Let's put it this way, your health, confidence, physical prowess, the way you dress, testosterone level and so on all affect how others treat you. Remember, others, from your friends, to your boss and your mate, may not want time with you if you are sub-optimal, as the attraction is lost. The confidence that comes with testosterone, ability that comes with intelligence and capability that comes with physical conditioning are very important to a man's well being. Only you have control over these things.
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#4571460 - 11/12/17 05:20 AM Re: Mental health VS Daily lifefamilymarriage struggle [Re: DemoFly]
Cujet Offline


Registered: 02/15/03
Posts: 7139
Loc: Jupiter, Florida
Originally Posted By: DemoFly
Why are you not talking to your wife? Is this something that doesn't happen? Would approaching your wife feel abnormal?

What stopped you from doing the things you enjoy? It wasn't having children. It was something else.


I promise talking with the wife won't help. BTDT. One cannot talk a spouse into attraction.

Oh, and doing the manly things you like (dirt bikes/motorcycles, flying, fast boats, race cars, etc) is an absolute imperative. Women may complain about such hobbies, but they will lose respect for you for giving them up, or not having them at all.


Edited by Cujet (11/12/17 05:22 AM)
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#4571463 - 11/12/17 05:26 AM Re: Mental health VS Daily lifefamilymarriage struggle [Re: Superflan]
spasm3 Offline


Registered: 05/30/10
Posts: 8641
Loc: North Carolina
In addition to what Cujet stated, I cannot stress enough to have vitamin D levels checked in the winter months. Especially if you do not get a lot of sun exposure.
_________________________
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#4571464 - 11/12/17 05:27 AM Re: Mental health VS Daily lifefamilymarriage struggle [Re: Superflan]
Shannow Offline


Registered: 12/12/02
Posts: 39821
Loc: 'Stralia
Worker bee syndrome...gets us all.

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#4571470 - 11/12/17 06:00 AM Re: Mental health VS Daily lifefamilymarriage struggle [Re: Superflan]
Veilside Offline


Registered: 09/02/09
Posts: 68
Loc: Murfreesboro, TN
You need to talk to your wife. A frank, honest, discussion about how each of you is feeling will do much to enlighten both of you to the reasons for the others actions. There are probably unmet expectations on both sides of this equation. Most times when women withhold intimacy, it's because they feel unloved. And conversely, when a man feels disrespected, he withholds love. It's a vicious cycle. And then we add in the stressors of kids and money and the cycle accelerates.

I encourage you to begin by removing divorce as an option from the table; that should be an absolute final option, and definitely not a tool to be used in any discussion. Marriage is not easy, it's work. And having young kids puts tremendous stress on any marriage. But also don't forget that you are in a season of life that will pass. They will grow up and move on with their lives.

I also encourage you all to seek counsel. That may be in the form of marriage counseling, or simply finding a support system of people who are in a similar season of life with whom you can share your frustrations and successes.

You also mentioned your depressive history, it may be a good idea for you to ask your doctor if an anti-depressant may be helpful, at least short term.

All that said, communicate with your wife, what you all saw in each other that caused you to marry is still there. Life's just complicating things like it does for all of us.
_________________________
2011 Hyundai Sonata 2.4 GDI
2011 Toyota Sienna Limited

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#4571472 - 11/12/17 06:01 AM Re: Mental health VS Daily lifefamilymarriage struggle [Re: Superflan]
Superflan Offline


Registered: 04/28/15
Posts: 357
Loc: Reunion Island
Wow thanks all for the insights. Cujet, Iíll be more than thankful to chat with you.

Maybe I donít have enough willpower to make myself feel/look right rather than focusing on getting my relationship right. It canít really work the way Iím doing, uh?
_________________________
Yaris 1.0 201mkm 5W40 ACEA A3/B4
Kangoo 1.5 DCi 15W40 ACEA E7
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#4571477 - 11/12/17 06:15 AM Re: Mental health VS Daily lifefamilymarriage struggle [Re: Shannow]
georgemiller Offline


Registered: 10/30/09
Posts: 188
Loc: New York
This is why many men go thru a mid life crisis.

Man must have hobbies period. If it's working out at the gym, bike riding, martial arts, cars etc. You slowly drifted away from who you we're and now must reclaim it back. Start taking some "ME" time by getting back into what you enjoy. Talk to your wife if she starts complaining about your new interest in the hobbies you enjoyed before you married her. Communication is the key and if she can't understand your need for hobbies that's her problem not yours. Don't miss your children's events do to your hobbies but work them around family life.

Some women are very manipulative and like to pout if men take time for themselves. Don't put up with it, keep your life in balance. You deserve to be happy. Every man goes thru this.

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#4571478 - 11/12/17 06:16 AM Re: Mental health VS Daily lifefamilymarriage struggle [Re: Veilside]
Superflan Offline


Registered: 04/28/15
Posts: 357
Loc: Reunion Island
Originally Posted By: Veilside

I also encourage you all to seek counsel. That may be in the form of marriage counseling,


We tried 1 year ago. She gave up 20 minutes before the 4th session. I went alone. Let alone what I heard from the therapist then...
_________________________
Yaris 1.0 201mkm 5W40 ACEA A3/B4
Kangoo 1.5 DCi 15W40 ACEA E7
Wife's Koleos 2.0 dCi DPF 6AT eco-map 162mkm 5W40 C3

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#4571482 - 11/12/17 06:26 AM Re: Mental health VS Daily lifefamilymarriage struggle [Re: Superflan]
georgemiller Offline


Registered: 10/30/09
Posts: 188
Loc: New York
If the wife doesn't want to go see a psychologist or counselor then maybe you should keep going alone. Find out about you and what makes you happy and start putting boundary's up so you're spouse can't walk all over you.

Your wife probably quit counseling because she didn't like what she was hearing. Again that's her problem not yours. Focus on yourself, you can't change people.

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#4571493 - 11/12/17 06:50 AM Re: Mental health VS Daily lifefamilymarriage struggle [Re: Superflan]
DuckRyder Offline


Registered: 10/20/05
Posts: 4206
Loc: Atlanta
Iím surprised no has mentioned it, but what is the ďunderlying warĒ with the daughter/wife about? I promise you getting into a war with your wife's 6 year old daughter is not a path to happiness.

While I agree that you need to make time to do somethings you enjoy, it is a simple fact of life that marriage and children bring responsibilities.
_________________________
Robert
  • 2007 Toyota Prius Touring
  • 2005 Honda Civic Sedan
  • 1972 Ford F100

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#4571502 - 11/12/17 07:03 AM Re: Mental health VS Daily lifefamilymarriage struggle [Re: DuckRyder]
Tony10s Offline


Registered: 05/06/14
Posts: 1129
Loc: Virginia, USA
Originally Posted By: DuckRyder
Iím surprised no has mentioned it, but what is the ďunderlying warĒ with the daughter/wife about? I promise you getting into a war with your wife's 6 year old daughter is not a path to happiness.

While I agree that you need to make time to do somethings you enjoy, it is a simple fact of life that marriage and children bring responsibilities.

+1

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#4571511 - 11/12/17 07:07 AM Re: Mental health VS Daily lifefamilymarriage struggle [Re: Superflan]
spasm3 Offline


Registered: 05/30/10
Posts: 8641
Loc: North Carolina
Originally Posted By: Superflan
Originally Posted By: Veilside

I also encourage you all to seek counsel. That may be in the form of marriage counseling,


We tried 1 year ago. She gave up 20 minutes before the 4th session. I went alone. Let alone what I heard from the therapist then...


That's unusual, typically it's the guy that will not/does not want to go.
_________________________
13 elantra 68k 5w30 QSUD
03 chevy avalanche76k synpwr 10w30
01 saturnsc1 185k synpwr rebuilt
17 mazda cx-5 3900 miles m1 0w20/0w40 mix

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#4571517 - 11/12/17 07:16 AM Re: Mental health VS Daily lifefamilymarriage struggle [Re: DuckRyder]
Mr Nice Offline


Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 21173
Loc: Orlando, FL
Originally Posted By: DuckRyder
Iím surprised no has mentioned it, but what is the ďunderlying warĒ with the daughter/wife about? I promise you getting into a war with your wife's 6 year old daughter is not a path to happiness.

While I agree that you need to make time to do somethings you enjoy, it is a simple fact of life that marriage and children bring responsibilities.


I immediately saw that but didn't want to bring up subject about daughter.

Of course mom will naturally defend her daughter...

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