Mental health VS Daily lifefamilymarriage struggle

[Superflan]

Originally Posted By: HorseThief
mistress?

There was an « opportunity » but I thought twice and declined before doing it what could be described as wrong.

 

[Cujet]

Originally Posted By: Drew99GT
Originally Posted By: Cujet
Let's put it this way, your health, confidence, physical prowess, the way you dress, testosterone level and so on all affect how others treat you. Remember, others, from your friends, to your boss and your mate, may not want time with you if you are sub-optimal, as the attraction is lost. The confidence that comes with testosterone, ability that comes with intelligence and capability that comes with physical conditioning are very important to a man's well being. Only you have control over these things.


No offense, but I personally do not even entertain the thought of surrounding myself with superficial narcissistic jerk offs who think I'm "sub optimal" based on how I look or how I dress. Sounds like the type of people to completely avoid...


A good, confident, intelligent, capable man is attractive, and he will attract other confident capable people of both genders. It has absolutely nothing to do with the other types you mention.

If we insist on taking such a simplistic view, let's bring it to it's ultimate conclusion. Let's say I've let myself go, turned into a near obese workaholic, I wear the same clothes for 2 days, and I don't bother washing my longish, sometimes greasy hair every day. But my wife should still love me for who I am? And my boss should respect me and invite me to his home.

Or, as a practical reality, are people going to reject me?

Sure, it's an absurd, over the top example, but people are sensitive and the little things really do matter.

 

[Tony10s]

^^^ The bottom line is that people who like others more or less based on superficial reasons (for example, someone's weight, their job, etc) are shallow and are not the kind of people I choose to have relationships with.

 

[Cujet]

Originally Posted By: Tony10s
^^^ The bottom line is that people who like others more or less based on superficial reasons (for example, someone's weight, their job, etc) are shallow and are not the kind of people I choose to have relationships with.


And yet we, as a species, do judge people on the little things, which are often not superficial. Our wives do it too, intensely. They study how people look and behave and are often fascinated with people watching. That's human nature, recognizing this can help one achieve a good result.

I brought up male hobbies and activities. Like it or not, many wives will lose respect for a man that gives up his interests. Even while complaining about his motorcycle! We could search a lifetime for a wife that might not behave this way, developing a methodology to reject all such "shallow" women. Or we, as intelligent men, can work with it, recognizing that we, as men, also have flaws.

As far as advice on an oil forum, I'd speculate that the people here are above average in capability and intelligence. We ARE the capable folks that get things done. Our group includes enthusiasts and experts among a wide range of activities. Let's face it, we are mostly the men (and women) that retain our hobbies, capabilities and interests.

 

[bbhero]

I think there's a lot of truth to what you are saying Cujet. Presentation does matter. Look good feel, good is true as a general rule.

I do think in this circumstance however there is much more in play than this aspect of human interaction. I think Superflan really needs to have a serious sit down talk with his wife. There's a lot there that needs to change. The bad relationship between Superflan and the lady's daughter is a HUGE problem. Get between a mother bear and her cub in the woods and you will get mauled. Guaranteed. That's the beginning and likely the end of the problems Superflan is having with this lady. Get that straightened out and things will be much better. If no way to do that.... Superflan will get hammered in divorce court.

 

[Superflan]

Thanks everyone who put it down here and PMed me. I'll take all your precious advices and try to make myself better.

I'll keep you updated by replying to this thread. Don't expect much before 1 week tho

For those who are willing to, my inbox will be read and replied everyday. I'll appreciate it

 

[Andrew1972]

It’s you

You have to force yourself to do some not all things you enjoy and get out and do an activity or see friends.

I was similar with 3 kids but realized life is passing me by. While balancing as much as I can give with 3 kids:

1) go on ski trips for week or two at time requiring flight and place
2) mountain biking
3) blowing off the over abundance of family get togethers and do my things . I attend some

My wife notice I was much happier and motivated since I have less time at home and with kids.

Intimacy issue was similar till I spoke to wife about it. We make it happen and we compromised. At first she balked but was quite forward and stated generally if it does not happen at home someone goes elsewhere. I told her I would not lie about it ever and it changed.

14 years together and much happier but not perfect and I don’t think it will be.

 

[doitmyself]

Originally Posted By: madRiver
It’s you

You have to force yourself to do some not all things you enjoy and get out and do an activity or see friends.

Often times easier said than done. Many mental challenges are not too different than what we consider a "real" ailment such as diabetes or cancer. A good analogy of a mental challenge is that the electrical circuits of the brain are physically mis-firing. No amount of "forcing oneself", self-help books, or internet advice will "fix" those circuits. Often times a person learns to manage their misfiring circuits through counseling (e.g.,cognitive therapy), lifestyle changes (diet, exercise,balanced priorities), and sometimes medication that literally allows the bad electrical circuits to operate correctly.

The idea that one can pull themselves up by the bootstraps, man-up, buck up, or similarly repair these real ailments is simply not the case in many instances. As HosteenJorje stated above, half the problem is overcoming the John Wayne syndrome and accepting one's vulnerabilities.

It's extremely hard to find a good fit regarding counseling, and medications can take months to find the right fit too. All I can recommend is to keep at it. Don't procrastinate seeking to learn how to manage oneself.

 

[supton]

Originally Posted By: madRiver
It’s you

You have to force yourself to do some not all things you enjoy and get out and do an activity or see friends.

I was similar with 3 kids but realized life is passing me by.


Yep. Now that my kids are in double digits I'm starting to "take" time for myself. And realizing just how much time has gone by...

It's still kinda hard, as so much of my week is still claimed by work or family.

 

[javacontour]

Originally Posted By: Superflan
Thanks everyone who put it down here and PMed me. I'll take all your precious advices and try to make myself better.

I'll keep you updated by replying to this thread. Don't expect much before 1 week tho

For those who are willing to, my inbox will be read and replied everyday. I'll appreciate it


It took time to get where you are. It will take time AND consistency to make positive change. It will be harder to make positive change because the inertia is negative.

I don't say that to be a Donny Downer. I say it to be honest about the state of things. To make changes, you have to stop the movement in the negative direction and start to make headway in a positive direction. It will take time AND consistency. She will be watching, and wondering if any changes she notices are real.

It will probably take time for her to notice any changes. It does no good to say, "look, I've changed." Words are largely meaningless. Action counts for 1000x more than words.

 

[Al]

Originally Posted By: Superflan


Once in a while I still rely on Xanax but it tends to space out

I’ll get back to talk about that daughter relational

Xanex is not a good drug. This makes me think [and please do not take this the wrong way..I am trying to help].The modern drugs like CeleXa] It takes a couple weeks to get the therapeutic amount into your system. And its necessary to get the correct amount in. It took 3 tries for me.

Hopefully I am wrong and your docs are right. But there are several drugs of this non-habit forming class. Dit they try more thanb one or two/ I realize that this is a PIA. Again for me..once the brain chemicals became 'good', my mental abilities were noticeably and IO could tackle my problems. But perhaps you are making progress here. I hope so.

 

[andrewg]

I'm a depressive type person as well. Been through more than one failed marriage (no kids), huge self-esteem issues, abusive father, anxiety (especially social anxiety), anger, and the last 20 years (I'm in my mid fifties) I suffer from severe back pain.

I've done the horrid anti-depressant route. And YES....ALL of them have side effects. I am of the opinion that these drugs ARE part of the problem. They can and do sometimes cause many to get worse and don't allow ones OWN mind and actions deal with the underlining problem.

Testosterone? Hogwash. Most men DO NOT have abnormal testosterone levels. It's also entirely normal and part of life that as we age, these levels often lower. But guess what? That IS part of life and completely normal. These clinics and constant ad's about it are a money making sham. Besides that, the health effects (mentally and physically) of taking testosterone can be damaging.

I really wish that I could tell you that things will get better. The dynamics you speak of are definitely not good between you and your wife. Especially the step daughter relationship. I was married to a woman years and she had a young son (10 years old). The boy was an extreme challenge. Not just because of his apparently poor upbringing, but because my wife would not follow through with our agreed upon solutions. The boy knew this and played upon it. It was a nightmare for me. The relationship fell apart for many reasons, but the step child dynamics contributed greatly.

I wish I had advice that could help. As others have said, you've GOT to get your wife to communicate with you about all these issues. She MUST be on the same page or there will be no hope for you to be happy in the relationship. I commend you for your attitude about marriage and family though. That is a great base to work up from. Don't give up trying. Seek professional counsel on how to get your wife on board with you. Try not to focus on the intimacy stuff right away. That's actually small potatoes compared to the rest of your issues (my opinion). Typically, for (females), lack of intimacy can be rather complex. Especially in your case.

Good luck...sorry I wasn't much help.

 

[pandus13]

SuperFlan,

I am the guy that everybody poked at in school: Fat/Fatty, 4-eyes, book boy, babble-babble, you named it (I looked at the old photos, I was not fat by any world standards).
I also was in your step-daughter's seat.
But I loved my step-dad to death, and respected him. Even when I saw him giving his everything to his boys....

I think if you want to be around your son and your wife, you have to include your step-daughter:
-you are NOT her father
-you will never (in her eyes) be her father
-since we clear this out of the way, you need to decide what you want to be to her, and be constant about it
-she will grow up at some point. she will see who was the "heart father"

Now, if you drive/ride home, if let's say it's 20 minutes, take the long way for the 40-45 minutes, to blow off some steam...
Like others said, take care of yourself physically, have at least one hobby (you can also share that with the 2 curious kids).
Groom yourself, like MRS. Supreflan is a super-model on the first date. She will appreciate the attention.
You will appreciate feeling better about yourself.
If other ladies will give you attention, well MRS Superflan will get into cougar mode and "protect" her conquest: YOU!

DO NOT LET THE STEAM ACCUMULATE! It will only blow....
So find your own corner/activity/hobby/circle of friends (choose them based on what you want to be)
...and don't listen to the ones that tell you "just pick yourself by the laces/boots"...
You wear flip-flops and them not

Bon Chance , Mon Ami! A bientot. Tout va bien!

P.S. learn as much IT as you can, and move to sys admin/engineer

 

[69GTX]

Originally Posted By: spasm3
In addition to what Cujet stated, I cannot stress enough to have vitamin D levels checked in the winter months. Especially if you do not get a lot of sun exposure.


There's almost no place in the continental US where you can get adequate Vit D exposure from the sun from around Nov-March, not even in south Texas or southern Florida. Everyone should be supplementing D during those months, and probably all year round if you don't make it a point to get proper sun exposure. You won't get adequate D from food, regardless of what you read, unless you're an Eskimo living on fish. Over 90% of Americans go deficient from November-March after your Vit D reserves get used up (about 2 months). Vit D plays a critical role in numerous areas of our mental and physical health. It's a good starting point.

 

[Panzerman]

I guess I must be the only one that got married and had kids that realized it wasn't all about me and my hobbies.
I traded those "Cool" things for a wife, house, kids and being a parent. I didn't get much time to do anything but work and family stuff with the wife and kids, I chose.
Even if there was time, there wasn't much money and if I had to have a hobby is it fair that I push the kids off on my wife. Now the kids are adults.
Daughter is 19) son is 20 and they are on their own because it was only a 18 year contract to raise them.
Now I am back into my hobbies, my wife sews, knittsand has her hobbies too. Plus we go on dates again pretty much constantly and told the kids don't come over unless you call. Is it so hard to unstand that you life gets put on hold because of your choices? Is it fair that you have a hobby while she raises kids and is a full time mom. Know what women like? A man that cares for them, a good father for thier children and a provider.
If you want a hobby don't get married and have kids. Kids are the kicker. Married 24 years but it's not about all about you. What's your wife do for hobbies and is she whining like you?

 

[sleddriver]

Your life has INDEED changed. No two ways about it. Major adjustment time. Marriage + first child is quite a bit of change in & of itself, but you took on a wife who already had a child. Death? Divorce? Given her young age, probably acting out.

Sounds like everyone's underlying issues are colliding...head-on. People are complex. Relationships and families even more so. Like bumper-cars at times. You're not alone with these issues. Quite common.

You're going to have to figure it out though as we don't know you, your situation, personality of those involved, country, etc. Too many variables. We're just shooting in the dark by guessing.

Excavating buried, underlying issues takes time and emotional & mental effort. It is worth it in the long run. Right now sounds like you're buried deep in day-to-day life & its struggles.

As you stated, you're (already) tired. Exercise helps greatly with depression.

 

[ZeeOSix]

I agree with others that you need to have a serious talk with your wife about this underlying war involving her 6 yo daughter. It seems to be the root cause of the struggles you're going through in your marriage. You both need to understand what's going on, and work together to not let a 6 yo destroy a marriage.

 

[supton]

Originally Posted By: Panzerman
I guess I must be the only one that got married and had kids that realized it wasn't all about me and my hobbies.

I made it to 10 years before I started to resent the impact to "my life" that having kids had. Once I recognized that it was bugging me, I made a few minor changes, claimed a bit of time for myself, and was able to juggle it all once again. But for those 10 years I put a big stop to stuff that wasn't work and wasn't watching kids.

It happens. Once the novelty of being a family man wears off, the duration of the job can be a bit daunting to contemplate.

Also, everyone's a bit different.

 

[Superflan]

Hi there,

update:

Things went better but there are still issues.

Daughter-in-law issues are still here but the mother fights them as well. When I let go, daughter finds a way to make her mother react instead of me. It's surprising to see how it can pop the head off so quickly !

Sexdrive issues... well, still here, but I learned to put focus on other things. So, pending.

Relationship/talking issues: almost okay.

Money/work issues: I learned to get over my problems, get work done and expand business opportunities. So, I make some decent money and can spend where it's needed to keep the wife not concerned much about it. But if I was single I would have bought a new motorcycle. Well, I'll buy one in the next few months, anyway.

In short, I managed to make myself right and happy, and sometimes she tries to put an effort in the relationship because maybe she thinks I'm worth it, IDK.

Next update if things changes ! Thanks everyone here at BITOG.

 

[sleddriver]

Thanks for the update!