Do you hold grudges or let things go?

[OVERKILL]

Originally Posted By: ThankYouma
To forgive usually requires a certain level of maturity. We live in a very warped world, to some, forgiveness requires qualifications that really have nothing to do with one's willingness to forgive or not. As if a chip on a shoulder is a badge of honor. As we get older, we should become more easygoing, as life is too short.


Blind forgiveness requires the ability to knowingly open yourself up to being wronged again. On purpose. There's a word for that, and I wouldn't describe it as "maturity".

Not forgiving people you know are going to offend again, intentionally, doesn't require a chip on one's shoulder and it doesn't require any effort. You write that person off in your mind and you don't have anything to do with them going forward. I think that's actually a far less stressful approach than allowing those people into your life to wreak havoc and deal with the fallout.

You only live once. I'd much rather do it surrounded by a small circle of people that I don't even need to think about my trust relationship with than by a congregation of fakes where I'm so deep in my self-righteousness that I feel I'm better for it.

 

[javacontour]

I try to not hold a grudge. But I may not trust that person and others may mistakenly take that for holding a grudge.

My ex-wife cheated. Even before our daughter became an adult, I largely had nothing to do with her. When DD wanted to live with me to attend high school in my community, XW was going on and on about how it wasn't a good idea, her anxiety, etc.

I flat out told her I didn't trust her. She had proven herself to be untrustworthy with her affair and not being honest about how she felt and I hadn't witnessed anything in her behavior since 2003 that merited a change in my view.

Is that holding a grudge, or just using my experience to make wiser choices in the future?

I seldom think about her. So it's not like she is living rent free in my mind. But I do REMEMBER what happened and to this day I do not trust her. As I said, she hasn't done anything to lead me to changing my mind about that position. No apologies, no admitting that such a betrayal was wrong, let alone any sort of atonement for her behavior.

I simply have little to do with her.

It is more peaceful that way. Defensive I'm sure.

Regarding forgiveness, it can only be offered. Forgiveness is not complete until accepted. Those who don't believe they did anything wrong will never accept forgiveness because they will never admit to themselves they ever did anything wrong.

The best any person can do is be willing to forgive. But you cannot force it. Just saying I forgive you is a meaningless act. Without genuine acceptance, it's wasted breath. It does your soul good to offer it. But realize that is all you can do, offer it.

I do feel strongly about it. Not sure I'd call it a grudge.

The best revenge is to live well, and I believe I'm doing just that.