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difficult elderly parents... #4728800
04/16/18 11:08 AM
04/16/18 11:08 AM
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,388
Chicago,IL,USA
pandus13 Offline OP
pandus13  Offline OP
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,388
Chicago,IL,USA
Hello BITOGers.

Do you have a story of getting/convincing difficult/stubborn elderly parents to do something?

Either trough your un-conventional approach or just simply finding somebody in the family they listen to?

I'm out of options/ideas at this point and still regarded as the black sheep.
And as the Son-In-Law, I'm at the point I don't want either my wife or my kids closer to them for safety reasons...

Thank you for your 2 bits, serious or not.

with a heavy heart, pandus13


16 Golf SportWagen
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08 Yaris
04 Elantra
95 accent
95 mystique
97 concorde
Re: difficult elderly parents... [Re: pandus13] #4728810
04/16/18 11:14 AM
04/16/18 11:14 AM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 423
Reunion Island
Superflan Offline
Superflan  Offline
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 423
Reunion Island
Whatís the safety reason to that would be sorted if they do what you want them to ?


Peugeot Partner 1.9 D, 5W40 C3, 245000 Km, running on WVO
Wife's Mitsubishi Outlander PHEV, dealerís overfilled, 16000 Km
Re: difficult elderly parents... [Re: pandus13] #4728816
04/16/18 11:20 AM
04/16/18 11:20 AM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 9,133
Virginia Beach
Astro14 Offline
Astro14  Offline
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 9,133
Virginia Beach
Iím curious what you want them to do.

If my son in law was directing me to do something I didnít like, I might refuse.

If his request is unreasonable, then he would actually be the difficult one, not me.

And safety? Really?

Youíre going to have to explain that one, too.


Last edited by Astro14; 04/16/18 11:22 AM.

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Re: difficult elderly parents... [Re: pandus13] #4728849
04/16/18 11:57 AM
04/16/18 11:57 AM
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 18,286
Elizabethtown, Pa
Al Offline
Al  Offline
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 18,286
Elizabethtown, Pa
Old people have rights too. You and your wife have control over your family and. Your FIL and MIL have likewise control over themselves. I see no point to your question. shrug


Re: difficult elderly parents... [Re: pandus13] #4728850
04/16/18 11:57 AM
04/16/18 11:57 AM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,830
Columbus, Ohio
John_K Offline
John_K  Offline
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,830
Columbus, Ohio
My parents are deceased. They were the most stubborn people I have ever encountered. The only way I could convince them of anything is if I could demonstrate, in actual figures, how it would save them money.


2009 Mercury Grand Marquis, 8 cyl auto, 83xxx miles, PU/Fram Ultra
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Re: difficult elderly parents... [Re: pandus13] #4728855
04/16/18 12:03 PM
04/16/18 12:03 PM
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,095
Lakeside, CA
Blkstanger Offline
Blkstanger  Offline
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,095
Lakeside, CA
Maybe they are right on the subject and YOU are wrong.


99 Jeep WJ 4.7 192,000 Maxlife 10w30, Fram Ultra.
Re: difficult elderly parents... [Re: pandus13] #4728863
04/16/18 12:12 PM
04/16/18 12:12 PM
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,388
Chicago,IL,USA
pandus13 Offline OP
pandus13  Offline OP
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,388
Chicago,IL,USA
the FIL is a retired 72 years old, kind off self sufficient, still green, still lucid (most of the time).
Me and wife, youngest in the family, but 5,000 miles from him.
call weekly or twice a week to check on him.
He managed to alienate all the close friends , so we are out of who to ask to keep an eye on him.
He had a heart attack about 2 years ago, got 2 stents.
Find out last year he didn't take most of his medicine, does not eat the right stuff (he also has some stomach trouble).
About a year ago both the daughters (SIL and my wife) got together and renovated his apartment so he at least has a new, clean and functional place to live.

The "thing" we want from him is for us (on our money) to hire a lady/maid to come cleaning regularly and cook for him.
He does not want to permit anybody and he only wants us there including us leaving everything we have here to go take care of him.
Of course no matter what I say is null/none/pfft

The safety thing is based on 2 experiences:
first, him at heart attack:
-my wife flies there with first available flight, got him to better/competent hospital, take care of the 2 stents operation, get him home and she wants to start the good daughter thing and take care of him.
-he locks the doors, does not give her a key, so basically she cannot buy any food or supply to clean up the apartment (he's alone, and not really good or cooking or cleaning)
-lot of yelling, yadda yadda, why did you married this guy, and so on and on. Let's just say she was really glad to be home when she left him in better health after 2 weeks
second, last year, her and SIL renovate his apartment and go there to help with cleaning + direction to construction crew.
-well again, yelling, yadda yadda, plus some luggage thrown thru the house when my wife wanted to leave since she was tired of being subjected to this while also having ours kids with her to visit grandpa. also some coarse language for the kids to hear.
-of course he also tries to lock everybody out, nobody is leaving, you do not go anywhere, finally fixed when cell pickup and "I will call the police if you don't open the door"

sorry of all the details, but I don't want anything from him. i don't care if he likes me.
what I want for him is to live in a clean, functioning place, with good/healthy food and to make sure even if he does not take his medicine, at least he goes to his family and specialist medic practitioner regularly.


16 Golf SportWagen
13 Mazda5
08 Yaris
04 Elantra
95 accent
95 mystique
97 concorde
Re: difficult elderly parents... [Re: Blkstanger] #4728868
04/16/18 12:15 PM
04/16/18 12:15 PM
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,388
Chicago,IL,USA
pandus13 Offline OP
pandus13  Offline OP
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,388
Chicago,IL,USA
Originally Posted By: Blkstanger
Maybe they are right on the subject and YOU are wrong.

Thank you for your response.
Like I said, I appreciate any take on the subject.


16 Golf SportWagen
13 Mazda5
08 Yaris
04 Elantra
95 accent
95 mystique
97 concorde
Re: difficult elderly parents... [Re: John_K] #4728871
04/16/18 12:16 PM
04/16/18 12:16 PM
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,388
Chicago,IL,USA
pandus13 Offline OP
pandus13  Offline OP
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,388
Chicago,IL,USA
Originally Posted By: John_K
My parents are deceased. They were the most stubborn people I have ever encountered. The only way I could convince them of anything is if I could demonstrate, in actual figures, how it would save them money.

Thank you.
He is really a scrooge.
We renovated his place on our dime. I considered the good thing to to for him in his age.


16 Golf SportWagen
13 Mazda5
08 Yaris
04 Elantra
95 accent
95 mystique
97 concorde
Re: difficult elderly parents... [Re: Al] #4728874
04/16/18 12:21 PM
04/16/18 12:21 PM
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,388
Chicago,IL,USA
pandus13 Offline OP
pandus13  Offline OP
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,388
Chicago,IL,USA
Originally Posted By: Al
Old people have rights too. You and your wife have control over your family and. Your FIL and MIL have likewise control over themselves. I see no point to your question. shrug

AL,
I consider you a really level-headed guy.

MIL is gone, many years ago.

I don't want to take control of anything for or from him.
I just want for him:
-a clean/functional/functioning place to leave
-good nutrition
-to make sure he takes his medication
-to make sure he does his health checkups with the family and specialist (cardiologist)


16 Golf SportWagen
13 Mazda5
08 Yaris
04 Elantra
95 accent
95 mystique
97 concorde
Re: difficult elderly parents... [Re: Astro14] #4728877
04/16/18 12:25 PM
04/16/18 12:25 PM
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,388
Chicago,IL,USA
pandus13 Offline OP
pandus13  Offline OP
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,388
Chicago,IL,USA
Astro14,
I hope I answer some in my long post.
I appreciate your take, coming from somebody who deals with customers all day long and your previous position as the mother and father of everybody in the USN.


16 Golf SportWagen
13 Mazda5
08 Yaris
04 Elantra
95 accent
95 mystique
97 concorde
Re: difficult elderly parents... [Re: pandus13] #4728878
04/16/18 12:25 PM
04/16/18 12:25 PM
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,225
The Canyons
02SE Offline
02SE  Offline
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,225
The Canyons
Maybe he just wants to live out the rest of his life on his own terms.

Re: difficult elderly parents... [Re: pandus13] #4728881
04/16/18 12:30 PM
04/16/18 12:30 PM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 4,342
Midwest USA
LoneRanger Offline
LoneRanger  Offline
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 4,342
Midwest USA
With my dad (r.i.p) we had to enlist the aid of his MD to pen a letter/form from DMV to revoke his driving privileges at age 88. Vision deficits, hearing deficits, and developing cognitive deficits. His Doctor was very good about it and told my brother (r.i.p.) and I cheerfully, "Let him direct his anger at me, I'm used to taking the heat for these things, part of my job!" That was step 1 in convincing dad it was time to move out of his apartment (after mom's death and sold the old family home) and into an assisted community, where they have senior transportation and general help available. He begrudgingly agreed. he was never really happy in the assisted community but he was falling too often and having to call my brother or call me who would then call each other and take turns on which of us went which time to go all the way across the county to his apt to help him. When he started pressing his Life Alert more often, and hitting other parked vehicles in the VFW lot more often, including running over and dragging a newspaper dispenser box and dragging it a block and half down the street before he realized it was pinned under his Chevy Colorado truck, it was then that it was time for him to stop driving. Actually should have before all that but it was what it was. we're lucky he didn't hurt himself or others and we waited too long, in hindsight.

My advice if you're trying to nudge them towards an assisted community is work on pulling the driver licenses first, through their MD penning a DMV form, if in fact they're no longer safe to drive. Then if they're having brief hospital stays on account of falls or chronic health problems, discuss with their MD that the family is leaning toward them being discharged to rehab/assisted facility before home. Then from the assisted facility you can work with the social services person to try and get options for long term placement somewhere nice for them. The hospital also will have a social services person to discuss these things with. It's a tough thing to have to do when they refuse to recognize their own deficits and their own failing health and how it is putting them at further risk and also putting too much burden on their loved ones.



'09 Subaru Forester ...................(QS HM 5W30)
'16 Moto Guzzi Stelvio 1200 .....(ENI i-Ride PG 10W60)
Re: difficult elderly parents... [Re: pandus13] #4728897
04/16/18 12:48 PM
04/16/18 12:48 PM
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 2,288
Outer Banks, NC
NormanBuntz Offline
NormanBuntz  Offline
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 2,288
Outer Banks, NC
Maybe he'd be eligible for a visiting nurse or social worker three times a week. Check with his local county office for aging.


2017 Honda Odyssey SE, 17K
2013 Honda Accord LX, 58K
2007 Honda Ridgeline RTS, 89K
2007 Infiniti M35, 107K
Re: difficult elderly parents... [Re: pandus13] #4728927
04/16/18 01:07 PM
04/16/18 01:07 PM
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 7,215
Leamington, ON, Canada ..... r...
Papa Bear Offline
Papa Bear  Offline
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 7,215
Leamington, ON, Canada ..... r...
I AM the elderly parent/grandparent...... I'm not "difficult" ??!! cool



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