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#4439012 - 06/22/17 10:17 PM Losing a parent
GMFan Offline

Registered: 12/26/07
Posts: 1898
Loc: NC
I lost my mom back in January. She was 57 and I'm about to turn 30. No matter how I try to rationalize it all I know that I just have to suck it up and keep going while knowing that my life will never be the same again. Things this past year have just turned my life upside down - things have changed more in the last year than in my entire lifetime. Sometimes I don't even feel like I'm the same person and that the old me died.

Does anyone who has experience with loss of a parent have any advice? Even harder is watching the pain in your siblings and my dad. It's like my whole family is no longer who they used to be. Can anyone with experience with this sort of thing reassure me that this is normal and that things will get better?
2011 Mazda6, 110k miles
Valvoline Maxlife 5W20, Napa ProSelect
“Muscles aching to work, minds aching to create - this is man.”

#4439015 - 06/22/17 10:29 PM Re: Losing a parent [Re: GMFan]
CT8 Offline

Registered: 10/09/14
Posts: 11025
Loc: Idaho
I lost Both my parents. To me the loss sucks big time as both my parents were about as great as parents can be. You lost your mom early ,sorry. You probably never get over the loss I haven't, you never know the loss until they are gone forever. It is just part of life sad but true. Let me give you an over the internet hug,be strong. Things will get better you still will love and miss Mom though. I miss my loved lost ones.
"Don't let your preconceived notions get in the way of facts."
Geoff Metcalf

#4439018 - 06/22/17 10:32 PM Re: Losing a parent [Re: GMFan]
69GTX Offline

Registered: 09/23/15
Posts: 3815
Loc: Connecticut
Lost my mom at age 57 as well. Cancer came back after years of remission. Between my Dad, 5 brothers and sisters, it was quite a shock, even when we knew it was coming. My youngest sibling was only 15 yrs old....the rest of us in our 30's. I don't know how my youngest brother and Dad managed on their own....probably because they had each other for the next 7 years until college graduation. It took a few years to get over the shock and get beyond it all. My Dad remarried about 5 yrs after that....and then lost his 2nd wife 8 yrs later. Shock after shock. Cherish the time from here with your Dad and siblings. Time moves fast.

It will get better. I frequently think back to 1984 when my Mom passed...and then remembering the good times before that. There's no doubt the family is never quite the same again. But my Dad did a good job holding it together for all of us for 17 years after my Mom passed. Things will improve for you.

2001 Lincoln Cont 4.6L DOHC/ 39K mi / QS HM 5w30 / FUG XG2
1999 Camaro SS M6 /19K /Mobil 1 0w40 /Fram UG /GM MTL-ATF
1969 Ply GTX/RRs

#4439021 - 06/22/17 10:35 PM Re: Losing a parent [Re: GMFan]
Blkstanger Offline

Registered: 08/13/11
Posts: 1948
Loc: Lakeside, CA
I'm 54 now, At age 44 I had lost both Parents a Sister and a Brother. I know it's rough at times and a huge change. I try to think of what they would tell me if they were still here. You will find that even though your life has changed You still live on. Try to stay focused on your goals. Support your Father and Siblings as much as you can. They are going through the same loss. My Mother was the glue that held us all together. It will get easier but it will never be the same.
99 Jeep WJ 4.7 185,000 Maxlife 10w30, Fram Ultra.

#4439022 - 06/22/17 10:35 PM Re: Losing a parent [Re: GMFan]
bbhero Offline

Registered: 03/20/15
Posts: 4635
Loc: Virginia
Very very hard to lose a parent. Interesting that you bring this up. I broke down yesterday evening thinking about how much I miss him. He passed away 7 yrs ago. Yesterday was the first time in quite awhile I broke down thinking of him. It never goes away I will tell you that.

Several factors are needed to know how to help out here. One question is are you the oldest or youngest or middle child?? Any major issues between you and your siblings?? Any trouble with your father?? The reason being that all plays a role in how to things are between you all. An example would be that if you are the oldest child I would say that you would likely be looked upon as the "leader" of your brothers and or sisters. This could be very helpful or very hard on you depending upon how you are handling everything. There's a lot more possibilites to this as well. .

Another question is how have you changed?? In what ways?? How has your father and siblings changed and in what ways?? These are very important details as well.

My heart goes out to you. I will share more about my experience in a bit. There was a lot to it. Trust me on that.
Nissan Altima 3.5 Coupe Valvoline Advanced Full Synthetic 5w30 Federated Auto 4612ex
"Treat your family like your friends and treat your friends like your family."

#4439036 - 06/22/17 10:47 PM Re: Losing a parent [Re: GMFan]
aquariuscsm Offline

Registered: 12/30/06
Posts: 18183
Loc: Dallas,Tx USA
Both of my parents are gone as well. Losing your parents is something you'll never get over. I think about them and miss them every second of every day. It's one of life's milestones that will change who you are forever. Life as you knew it stops and the world gets pulled out from under you. I can say that even at 48 years old,I still need them and feel lost without them,but they're not there anymore.
1996 Nissan 300ZX 5-speed,Arctic Pearl(#175 of 300)
Quaker State Ultimate Durability 10W30
2012 Honda Accord Coupe EX-L 2.4,auto,San Marino Red
Pennzoil Platinum 0W20

#4439053 - 06/22/17 11:13 PM Re: Losing a parent [Re: GMFan]
Chris142 Offline

Registered: 06/05/03
Posts: 16844
Loc: Deplorable in apple valley, ca
Lost my dad 2.5 yrs ago. He had dementia and his death was not a suprize.

Mom got sick may 12 this year and died may 15. Hers was a suprize. She was feeding cats on the 12th
02 Wrangler durablend 10w40
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#4439065 - 06/22/17 11:29 PM Re: Losing a parent [Re: GMFan]
E150GT Offline

Registered: 03/11/12
Posts: 1110
Loc: San Antonio, TX
I am sorry for your loss. I have no experience but I dread it when it happens. I come from a family of 6 kids so I suspect as I get older things will happen and I'm not ready.
1984 Mercedes-Benz 300SD - 100k
1995 F150 XL 4.9 reg cab 5MT - 250k 5w30
2016 Mazda6 Touring 6MT - 56k 10w30

#4439072 - 06/22/17 11:52 PM Re: Losing a parent [Re: GMFan]
sleddriver Offline

Registered: 02/06/10
Posts: 4611
Loc: Central Texas
At your age, it's a combination of 'sucking it up', getting 'mad as h$ll' and allowing yourself to grieve. Structure can support you while you regain your balance. This is definitely something you don't 'wing'.

I'd suggest writing (in long hand) about cherished memories, your childhood, family times, fond rememberances, etc. At least a couple pages a day. This process will help you 'get it out'. Out of your Mind & Heart and onto paper. Don't edit. Don't hold back. Just write, remember and grieve.

Exercise is also important. You're not supposed to have 'fun' at this stage. It's a time for grief. That doesn't mean not taking care of yourself though. Self-care is very important. Your esteem, paradigm and brain have suffered a massive loss. Like part of your experience/self/family has been torn out. Because it has.

Animals can be a great source of emotional support during such times.

The reason 'your family is no longer who they used to be' is because they aren't. A key member of your family has died and such, all remaining members are forced into an area, and feelings, that are very uncomfortable, destabilizing and insecure. All may not handle this immense stress well.....

When I was 2, my Mom woke up from a radical mesectomy expecting nothing of the sort. She fought for 6 yrs until she died at 44, when I was 8. The old man was never the same. After a too-fast-disaster-of-a-second-marriage to 'restore himself', he died 9 years later, shortly after my 18th b-day during my freshman year of college...three days after Christmas.

I spent the next 11 yrs of my life in various lawsuits fighting his second wife, a corrupt CPA uncle and his incompetent lawyers. FUBAR. All around. FUBAR.

I survived though, healed, recovered, and gained strength & wisdom. However, what worked for me, may not work for you. I doubt your family was such a disaster as mine turned out to be. You'll have to find your own way, your path through the pain. Your family may be a hindrance or a help. Hopefully you all find a way to remain a family rather than careening off into a ditch.

Therapy can help. Religion can help. Traveling can help. Writing can help. Animals will definitely help.

One note of caution: Be very careful who you sign on with as a counselor and in whom you place your trust. You're very vulnerable, in shock, dazed and confused. Thus easily manipulated & deceived. So while exposing your pain, you must also protect yourself from situations where your best interests are not primary. A very fine line indeed.

I'm LONG removed from both parents death. Major difference. I'm an extremely late bloomer because of it. Talk about The Road Less the tales I could tell....

Families are like one of those mobiles that hang from a ceiling. Some are more balanced than others. However none are immune to being upset when one of the main counter-balancing members is suddenly removed. It sets the whole thing in motion and out-of-balance. Regaining balance takes a long time.....

My condolences for your major loss.......
1998 Volvo V70 T5 226,808 mi. Original Owner.
M1 10W-30 HM
"It's never a mistake to buy tools, defined broadly. They're not a cost, they're an investment." - J.B. Peterson

#4439091 - 06/23/17 12:40 AM Re: Losing a parent [Re: GMFan]
AZjeff Offline

Registered: 01/14/11
Posts: 2656
Loc: PV Az
OP we're kind of reversed. At 57 I lost my 30 yr old son then 5 months later lost my 86 yr old dad. Get some help, whatever you're comfortable with. You're correct, you will never be the same person you were the day before. You will never "get over it", time will dull the pain some and you learn to deal with the big hole in your heart. 33 months later I can hardly write this.

So sorry for your loss.

The old advice is true, don't make any important decisions for a year.
86 Samurai 1.3 leftovers
14 RAV4 2.5 5W-20 PP *gasp*
16 Silverado 1500 4.3 Ecotec3, DI, AFM 5W-30 PP

Why know when you can guess?!

#4439093 - 06/23/17 12:46 AM Re: Losing a parent [Re: GMFan]
FordCapriDriver Offline

Registered: 10/22/15
Posts: 2389
Loc: Balearic Islands , Spain
I lost my mom when i was 13 to a liver disease, it was very quick basically she died in bed at night from a liver/pancreatic failure, was pretty tough because the year before that i lost my grandmother and my dog, for a 13 year old that was pretty devastating, for the next 4 years i was a really bad student and skipped a lot of classes, but eventually i went back to normal and i managed to get on with my life.
1975 Ford Capri II Ghia 3000 V6, - Valvoline VR1 20W-50
1988 Ford Escort MkIV 1.6 Xr3i Cabrio, - Shell Rimula R4X 15W-40 HDEO.

#4439121 - 06/23/17 02:56 AM Re: Losing a parent [Re: GMFan]
Rick in PA Offline

Registered: 01/04/03
Posts: 3203
Loc: Southeastern, PA
You never really lose your parents. I'm almost 60. My father passed about 30 years ago, my mother passed about 15 years ago. I still "hear" my father's earthly wisdom. I still "feel" my mother's caring.

Time heals.
Take care.
A wise man told me:
"Heat is your friend." and "Any oil is better than no oil."

#4439147 - 06/23/17 06:05 AM Re: Losing a parent [Re: GMFan]
LoneRanger Online   content

Registered: 07/02/07
Posts: 4063
Loc: Midwest USA
Sorry for your loss it's never easy, especially when someone departs from this life for the next early. No stranger to loss here and I can definitely relate. My mom died 2010 (86), wife 2012 (45), dad 2014 (89), brother 2016 (62). Just about followed them myself with the motorcycle accident this past Feb. Life can be robust and resilient yet it can be fragile as well.

People can say what they want but there is something to it. Mom, dad, wife all died on the same calendar day March 8. All three were very close in life, my wife often said my mom felt like more of a mom to her than her own mom.


'09 Subaru Forester ...................(QSED DEXOS1 5W30)
'16 Moto Guzzi Stelvio 1200 .....(ENI i-Ride PG 10W60)

#4439148 - 06/23/17 06:16 AM Re: Losing a parent [Re: GMFan]
Sayjac Offline

Registered: 10/13/08
Posts: 12276
Loc: The Old North State
Sorry for your loss. I don't think what you describe and are going through is abnormal at all. No expert, but talking to a professional would be beneficial imo.

Also as noted by others, time becomes a healer in it's own way. Hang in there.

#4439151 - 06/23/17 06:34 AM Re: Losing a parent [Re: GMFan]
Donald Offline

Registered: 03/21/04
Posts: 20472
Loc: Upstate NY
Originally Posted By: GMFan
I lost my mom back in January. She was 57 and I'm about to turn 30. No matter how I try to rationalize it all I know that I just have to suck it up and keep going while knowing that my life will never be the same again. Things this past year have just turned my life upside down - things have changed more in the last year than in my entire lifetime. Sometimes I don't even feel like I'm the same person and that the old me died.

Does anyone who has experience with loss of a parent have any advice? Even harder is watching the pain in your siblings and my dad. It's like my whole family is no longer who they used to be. Can anyone with experience with this sort of thing reassure me that this is normal and that things will get better?

Celebrate the 29 years you had a wonderful Mom. If you did not miss your mother your would be a schmuck of a son.
2015 Subaru Forester 2.5 engine/CVT
2015 Ford F250 w/Powerstroke
2016 Subaru Crosstrek CVT (wife's)

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