When you help someone and its time to walk away

[Donald]

Sobriety is for people who want it rather than people who need it.

Sometimes one needs to hit bottom. And a friend can become an enabler even without intending to.

Say you are there when she is serious about getting sober.

 

[ZZman]

We all make mistakes. Unfortunately when some people make that mistake with drugs or alcohol it leads to a spiral of despair. It is hard not to help a friend or loved one. But it often prolongs the process of hitting rock bottom. Hitting bottom can lead a person to finally seek help or worse. But it needs to happen. Good luck.

 

[Mr Nice]

Originally Posted By: ZZman
We all make mistakes. Unfortunately when some people make that mistake with drugs or alcohol it leads to a spiral of despair. It is hard not to help a friend or loved one. But it often prolongs the process of hitting rock bottom. Hitting bottom can lead a person to finally seek help or worse. But it needs to happen. Good luck.


Hitting rock bottom is the first step towards recovery.

 

[nickaluch]

Run fast my friend. You are being used.This person could care less about you. Only wants to get high it's there only goal in life.

 

[Al]

Originally Posted By: barkingspider
You are a good person for doing all you can. Time to move on. No one is going to hate on you if you do

I agree easy for us to say that. But it probably is the best for you. I am guessing she is your gf, but that really doesn't change things. Good luck my friend.

 

[Driz]

There not much worse you can do for an addict than become an enabler. They will lie , steal and do whatever they need to do to feed their addiction so watch your valuables and that goes doubly after you start to say no. It’s amazing how an addict will turn on their friends once they stop providing for them.
Few true addicts have the fortitude to just quit. Some do but it’s rare just like the few smokers who just quit one day and walk away. Most of us regular folks need some sort of professional assistance to quit hard drugs. They need someone not personally involved who knows what to do and expect as well as some degree of confinement. That’s not you or family so about the best you can do is talk her into going to rehab. Don’t be surprised if she tells you off in a wild outburst. Remember, it’s her decision to make and addicts won’t often come around till they’ve hit rock bottom. Enabling by handing out cash just keeps them facing up to that huge decision. So be as supportive as you can WITHOUT handouts and keep the faith. It’s a long slow treck putting a life in order from chaos.
I

 

[Gebo]

Understand, I don't have all the info. But in my experience, I would continue to communicate with her. At least let her know she can come to you. I would buy her food. I would never give her money or anything she could sell.

There may be a point where you cut off all communication but with an addiction I have more leeway. Every situation is different. Your goal is to see her whole and healed.

 

[Rhymingmechanic]

For your own well-being, involvement in one of the recovery friend/family groups could be helpful no matter what your relationship with this person is going forward. They could also support you in making the break. The other person will probably make it difficult if you have been a good enabler so far.

If the situation warrants it, and you really want to practice "tough love," look into your state's involuntary commitment laws. But that's a big step, and we know very little of the story.

 

[SeaJay]

I have a rule I live by: Friend or Foe, I will give no help to someone like that.

 

[RazorsEdge]

It's done I told her I dont approve of her drug use.

I told her she needs to get her life together and if she wanted,I'd help her get treatment. Instead she gets upset and wants nothing to do with me,so there it is guys.

I cant do anymore,I tried and there's nothing more a guy can do.

 

[spasm3]

Originally Posted By: RazorsEdge
It's done I told her I dont approve of her drug use.

I told her she needs to get her life together and if she wanted,I'd help her get treatment. Instead she gets upset and wants nothing to do with me,so there it is guys.

I cant do anymore,I tried and there's nothing more a guy can do.



The drug is her best friend, nothing you can do about that. She will either spiral down end up getting help or unfortunaly lose her life to the addiction. At least you know you did not help buy the fix that kills her if that happens. Pray for her and hope for the best.

 

[Mr Nice]

It's good you distanced yourself from her.

 

[sleddriver]

Your efforts are to be commended. Depending on her age, circumstances, history, personality and 'wiring', she may be locked into a tight spiral unable or too afraid to 'relax' (let go). Add meth drug addiction + an addictive personality underneath and you have someone who is immovable and rigid.

Enough brain damage may have been done that she is no longer able to return to her Authentic Self. Instead remaining steadfastly fixed in her False Self. Defiant and attacking those willing to help.

Sounds like her wheel's have come off and she's careening towards the ditch.

"You can't outrun your past. The Truth always wins."

I made an attempt to help a friend about 11 yrs older than me. He'd been through two or three failed marriages, had recently moved into an old house, with stuff all about. He was smart and we had many a deep conversation about lots of things. However he was in violation of the above quote. He would get quickly agitated, short and defensive...quickly change the topic, say he needed to go, etc. whatever to end the conversation.

He'd then go have fun with his 'fun' divorced friends who evidently didn't challenge him. After a particularly rough patch, he really surprised me by admiting "my last ex did a real number on my head". I think he didn't realize that I already knew this and had for quite sometime.

Over enough time, nothing was ever "squared away" both in his house nor his garage. Then more was added. Then it dawned on me he was a hoarder. His back porch, the garage, the backyard, inside...everywhere. Furthermore, the old house he'd moved into needed some serious siding rot repaired. He had a whole shop full of tools and knew how to use them, but wasn't able to 'start'.

My last straw was his becoming increasingly 'brittle', taking on a roomate (and where would he find room??) who was a slob, and then complaining to me what a slob this guy was!? The next stage was seeing live rats indoors....

That was my I'M DONE!

He de-orbited soon after, finally ditching the roomate, and crashed into another 'ditch'. That was about 8 yrs ago. I don't miss the drama nor the craziness.

You can lead a man to Water but you can't make him Think.

 

[JeffKeryk]

Razoredge... A few thoughts from a recovering alcoholic. FYI - I am 32 years clean and sober...
Yes, you may have been enabling her by giving her $$; on the other had maybe she would have died that day if you had not helped.
Who knows?

Alanon is a great suggestion.
Another is to offer to take her to a meeting the next time she asks for $$.
Tell her you will not give her $$ but will help with a little food perhaps.

A wise old timer told me he would buy me a Cadillac if I got 5 years sober.
Then he told me 5 years was better than any Cadillac.
This is someone's life. Good luck my friend.

By the way, I consider myself clean and sober by the grace of God and only by the grace of God.
It takes what it takes.
Just my 2 cents.

 

[LoneRanger]

A bad addict is like a drowning person, and you have to know what is taught in life guard training-- that the drowning person or floundering person will grab onto anyone and anything they can and push them under to try and keep their head above water. Maybe not the best analogy but accurate in the sense that an addict will push you under the bus all day every day in order to be able to keep feeding their addiction. They're no longer rational thinking people and can't be until they get themselves clean.