The mom of the guy I killed wants to talk...

[AstroVic]

Most of you know that I am a cop. I shot and killed a man who stabbed me in the head about six months ago.

Short version: The guy was apparently trying to kill his girlfriend, and when his mother stepped in to protect the girlfriend, the guy slashed his mother across the face with the butcher knife. The neighbors called 911 and I was the first officer on the scene. I showed up and the guy took off running. I chased him to the back of the residence and he attacked me with a butcher knife. I regained my footing and shot him three times, killing him at the scene.

Anyhow, the guy was only 20 years-old. His mother reportedly supports me and says I did what was necessary under the circumstances. (Unfortunately, I agree that it was necessary to shoot and kill her son, although I wish it never happened.)

Now his mother wants to meet with me and talk about the situation. It's still within the two-year statute of limitations, but I feel so bad for the lady that I want to speak with her and hear what she has to say.

Does anyone think this is a good or bad idea? If you've ever been through a "justified homicide" did you ever speak with the deceased person's family?

I want to meet with the lady, but I am worried that I will have a hard time looking her in the eye knowing that I shot and killed her son, no matter how justified I might have been.

 

[cryptokid]

she probably wants to meet with you to tell you that its ok what you did and to make peace with ya.

 

[Shannow]

AstroVic,
I sincerely hope that I never have to suffer what you are going through.

I can't offer any advice.

 

[eljefino]

Are you in a policeman's union? Can they offer any advice? Do they have a Chaplain that can go with you?

 

[Jeffrey]

This board is often a good place to turn to for advice and ideas on all kinds of things, but you are in a very unique situation here.

As eljefino suggested, contact your union rep and seek some legal advice on this. Perhaps a "supervised" visit with a union lawyer present is what is best to do. I know that it sounds very cold. Just seems that one-on-one contact has the possibility of wheeling terribly out of control.

 

[Al]

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jeffrey:
This board is often a good place to turn to for advice and ideas on all kinds of things, but you are in a very unique situation here.

As eljefino suggested, contact your union rep and seek some legal advice on this. Perhaps a "supervised" visit with a union lawyer present is what is best to do. I know that it sounds very cold. Just seems that one-on-one contact has the possibility of wheeling terribly out of control.

---

Yea in this litigous society..you have to protect your back end. I don't have any advice though..wish I did.

 

[mountravlr]

Depend on your training and the counseling which,no doubt, you have received. The mother needs to understand any legal ramifications that such a meeting might have.

 

[k1xv]

My first reaction, as a lawyer, is that it is a bad idea.

I agree with others that under these circumstances, you should seek guidance in the support structures in your police organization.

There must be a psychologist retained by the Department to provide consultation in these circumstances, no?

 

[msparks]

quote:

---

Originally posted by AstroVic:

Does anyone think this is a good or bad idea? If you've ever been through a "justified homicide" did you ever speak with the deceased person's family?

I want to meet with the lady, but I am worried that I will have a hard time looking her in the eye knowing that I shot and killed her son, no matter how justified I might have been.

---

Would you be able to do this in the presence of a lawyer and a pyscologist? That would be my only recommendation.

 

[dickwells]

I am thinking that you should ask her to write you a letter outlining her feelings, if you feel comfortable with it you might want to go ahead and see her. If not just write her back and tell her you do not feel comfortable with the idea at this time.

 

[Lumberg]

My first instinct is to say have a lawyer or advisor present.

But at the same time without trust there is nothing. I would still have someone there, and I feel as someone else posted she just wants to tell you something. Be a good listener, make noncommmittal comments such as "I am glad we were able to discuss this" and whatnot without discussing details. If she asks you what happened tell her to refer to the police report.

 

[shortyb]

I think you both need some closure.

But as other have suggested, no matter how cold/insensitive it is, get some legal advise. Its easy in the midst of a very emotional state to say/do things that may be regretted later, especially since you're still in the "sue zone".

I hate being so cynical sometimes. However, I'm a product of the same profession and its hard to not have a dark instinct about things, but its just reality.

No one in our department has ever met with a shooting family member before. I've asked a couple of folks and while they are curious, no one had the desire to meet. We do have a excellent support system in place and that seems to help quite a bit. PM me and I'll get you some more info if you'd like. I know you're still suffering, hang in there, it will all turn out ok. Just takes time.

 

[Steve S]

The where when and how of the meeting should be safe for you . I have some friends that are cops, takes a special person to be a good one.

 

[GROUCHO MARX]

Vic, I don't know what to do except say a prayer for both of you.

I hope it helps.

 

[DockHoliday]

Wow!

No advice, but I would like to say good luck, and thanks for keeping the public safe from the bad guys.

 

[Whimsey]

Astro,
You did your job, as painful or difficult as it was. But it was your life versus a felon's who had "bad" intent against you to say the least. As mentioned previously I would not meet with the mother until I discussed this with the Union rep. With the preponderance of rotten lawyers nowadays you can't let people play on your feelings. There is nothing wrong in feeling bad for doing your job, it's a tough one. But consider this, there is a good chance he would have killed other innocent people if he had survived. You most likely saved other innocent lives. You guys don't get paid enough for the decisions you have to make in a split second. My wife is a police 911 dispathcher, so I get hear about the "finest" of our citizens

.

Whimsey

 

[Dan4510]

Vic,

It seems your heart is in the right place, but remember you know nothing about how the other is. She may want to honestly deal with it but I would not offer her an opportunity to get you again.

You had to stop her child, she might be out to get you for that. BE CAREFUL

Dan

 

[SKUNKY]

She might be wired at the meeting...I'de tell her it's to early yet..maybe someday..but not now..

 

[Korean_redneck]

All i got to say is.. thanks for "To Serve and Protect"

Edit: you're not from Galvenston texas are you? Man it was teh first time I was put down by a Galveston police officer for yelling at my friend to stop tryign to resist the officer. Talk about being scared!!

 

[Reg# 43897]

Alright. I have been there - family were a-holes unfortunately and out for money that they never got...

In your situation you are coming from a very wounded place. You are too subjective right now (and always will be to some degree - you're human). More than likley the lady has intense guilt that she needs to work out as a mother - after all it was her boy that tried to kill you and 'did bad things'. She may be needing some absolution and support from YOU. You may not be ready to do that yet. There would no doubt be many emotional reactions that you cannot predict for such a meeting. These things are not bad, per se, just unexpected. And right now, with the statute not yet kicking in, unexpected is not good. However much you need some healing that this person may be able to assist with, you need your sweet a$$ covered, too.

How's this: Sit down and write out what you want to say to the lady. Now have someone close read it. They need to hear how you are feeling - writing it down will bring up s#it that neither of you may have quite realised. Then that letter MUST be vetted by Counsel. I am certain that you have dealt with some sort of Counsel on this one that has a good handle on who you are right now. Run it past him/her. Send that and see what she sends you back. Do not commit to anything in writing (the lawyer won't let you do that anyway!) but make sure that she understands that you would like to see her too, when the time is right.

If you are afraid of looking her in the eye then your heart's not ready for what your head already accepts: that you had to kill to survive. Sucks but it was required. The heart takes a long time to catch up, my friend.

You're just a guy working it out - no more but defintitely NO LESS. Do not rush this one. I feel for you brother. It's hard.

John.

[ February 20, 2005, 12:24 PM: Message edited by: Reg# 43897 ]