Getting married; where to live?

[hemioiler]

Kind of odd that the girlfriend was the one to propose. Different world now I suppose.

Yep it is. I'm pretty traditionalist, I would never expect a woman to propose to me. But if it happened and I love her, why not? It's the entire point of dating in my opinion, who asks the question is just as irrelevant as who says "I love you" first when you think about it. I'm also not one for fancy proposals and overly dramatic/romantic weddings, the point is you're living together for the rest of your life, the day itself and all the "other fluff" is just meaningless.

Yea I know, I'm quite the catch!

 

[wwillson]

I'm also not one for fancy proposals and overly dramatic/romantic weddings, the point is you're living together for the rest of your life, the day itself and all the "other fluff" is just meaningless.

Those who get married so they can have a fancy wedding usually don't stay married.

 

[97prizm]

Maybe it's unwise to ask strangers for advice, but here goes.
Yesterday my girlfriend asked me to marry her, I said yes.
She lives at home with her mom and siblings, dad died this summer of a heart attack.
She already spends a lot of time at my place, where I live with my grandmother.
Should I officially ask her if she wants to move in, or just let it progress on its own? We've been together 3.5 years, she is 23 years old, and slowly over time she has moved several items to my house, and sleeps over more and more, to the point where she already sleeps over more than she sleeps at her family's house.
Do I ask her to make it an official move in, or since it has worked as is, just let her do whatever she wants.
More than anything, I don't want her to feel that she isn't welcome to move in and call this her home.
Grandmother and girlfriend get along great, and love each other.
Sure I had other girlfriends in the past, but not that I would ever consider asking to move in, or I loved deeply, and just appreciate their company. When she isn't around I miss her, and we have a lot in common. My last girlfriend who was older than me, was immature. At 23, she is very mature, not into the bar scene, no drug use, doesn't smoke, maybe a drink or two per week, full time job.

At this point go for it. If you have a decent job, that pays well for where you live now then great. Colorado is DEFINITELY not the place to move as the average house price in the Denver Metro area is now around $675,000. Not sure where people keep coming from or where they work to afford it.

 

[BigTimeTA]

At 23, she is very mature, not into the bar scene, no drug use, doesn't smoke, maybe a drink or two per week, full time job.

I imagine you're just overthinking this. At least it means she made you overthink. It also means you're about to make a serious decision. Take your time and remember: good things don't wait too long.

 

[tbm5690]

At this point go for it. If you have a decent job, that pays well for where you live now then great. Colorado is DEFINITELY not the place to move as the average house price in the Denver Metro area is now around $675,000. Not sure where people keep coming from or where they work to afford it.

They come from CA and either don't need to work or work remotely.

 

[SammyChevelleTypeS3]

Kind of odd that the girlfriend was the one to propose. Different world now I suppose.

well I recall the wife moved in with me for a year and I asked her 2 times and she said she would let me know. One day she came home from work and said (ok, lets get married) and that is how it went. We knew we both were ready. Forty six years ago.

 

[ripcord]

In a marriage, where to live is axiomatic. Together. You have a house. She doesn't. I think the real question you're asking is if you should get married, which is a whole different question. Will you stay true to her? Do you think she will stay true to you? Are you willing to commit to a lifetime of adaptation and some sacrifice to be with her forever? Do you think she is the kind of person who can do the same?

Other questions to look at beforehand:

Do you have the same attitudes about money and spending it? (Does she have a ton of maxed out credit cards?)
Similar expectations about children and how to raise them?
Similar long term goals?
Does she have friends, hobbies, interests outside of the two of you?
Is she psychologically sound (as sound as the female species gets )? No screaming, breaking/throwing things, etc. or suspected personality disorders.
Are there signs of controlling behavior, unreasonable jealousy, difficulty with trust?

 

[gman2304]

Sounds like she’s ready….you…not so much! Think about it…REALLY think about it!

 

[andrewg]

In a marriage, where to live is axiomatic. Together. You have a house. She doesn't. I think the real question you're asking is if you should get married, which is a whole different question. Will you stay true to her? Do you think she will stay true to you? Are you willing to commit to a lifetime of adaptation and some sacrifice to be with her forever? Do you think she is the kind of person who can do the same?

Other questions to look at beforehand:

Do you have the same attitudes about money and spending it? (Does she have a ton of maxed out credit cards?)
Similar expectations about children and how to raise them?
Similar long term goals?
Does she have friends, hobbies, interests outside of the two of you?
Is she psychologically sound (as sound as the female species gets )? No screaming, breaking/throwing things, etc. or suspected personality disorders.
Are there signs of controlling behavior, unreasonable jealousy, difficulty with trust?

Great post....a lot of common sense stuff that often gets pushed aside because of emotions/sexual attraction.

 

[Cujet]

FYI

This is no longer my thread.
Somehow, someone changed it, not me, and totally changed the context of my original question.

I did not really mean to take it off topic, and for that I apologize. I'd suggest getting a place that is new to the both of you, if feasible.

 

[John105]

Imho you should move in together.

In my parents’ time it was marriage first. But they seemed to have nothing against my bro and sis in law moving in together prior to getting married (I am ten years older and they were against me doing that).

I think it’s a great way to test one’s relationship in that the true selves can be experienced. I did it at 25 and it was my gf (23) who pushed for it. She also was the one who broke up but it is still a fond memory all these years later. I honestly think it’s a realistic thing to try. Best of luck!

 

[doitmyself]

Should I officially ask her if she wants to move in, or just let it progress on its own? We've been together 3.5 years, she is 23 years old, and slowly over time she has moved several items to my house, and sleeps over more and more, to the point where she already sleeps over more than she sleeps at her family's house.
Do I ask her to make it an official move in, or since it has worked as is, just let her do whatever she wants.
More than anything, I don't want her to feel that she isn't welcome to move in and call this her home.

Back to the topic. Has anyone asked if you have had this discussion with your tentative lifetime mate yet? Many of the answers here emphasize communication. Why not just discuss it with her? Both share your thoughts and concerns. There's no ultimatum required. Maybe she wants to transition slowly. Maybe breaking ties with her family needs to progress slowly. What are grandma's thoughts (she part of the equation too)? There's absolutely nothing wrong with wwilson's recommendation either. Let things progress on their own, one step at a time.

 

[TimeFlies]

Asked my grandmother today what she thought about me asking her to move in.
Grandma "She lives here already more or less. But I love her as though she was my own child, and the more she is around the better".

When the girlfriend came home from work, asked her if she would like to 'officially' move in.

"Well I pretty much already do live here, but yes, that would be very nice".

 

[Oillover]

So when's the wedding?

 

[TimeFlies]

In a marriage, where to live is axiomatic. Together. You have a house. She doesn't. I think the real question you're asking is if you should get married, which is a whole different question. Will you stay true to her? Do you think she will stay true to you? Are you willing to commit to a lifetime of adaptation and some sacrifice to be with her forever? Do you think she is the kind of person who can do the same?

Other questions to look at beforehand:

Do you have the same attitudes about money and spending it? (Does she have a ton of maxed out credit cards?)
Similar expectations about children and how to raise them?
Similar long term goals?
Does she have friends, hobbies, interests outside of the two of you?
Is she psychologically sound (as sound as the female species gets )? No screaming, breaking/throwing things, etc. or suspected personality disorders.
Are there signs of controlling behavior, unreasonable jealousy, difficulty with trust?

Actually no, that isn't my question.
This was much more clear, before someone decided to rewrite it, and muddy the waters, by asking a completely different question than I had originally.

My original question was, now that we are engaged, despite her not yet having a ring, and she spends a lot of time at my house already, should I ask her to move in completely now, or wait till we are married, and just leave it as is for now.

Doesn't matter now, I did ask her to move in this afternoon, and she said yes.

Whomever changed my question, should have left it as it was, instead of just messing it up.

I love her, and know she loves me.

Honestly I don't deserve her.

 

[TimeFlies]

I did not really mean to take it off topic, and for that I apologize. I'd suggest getting a place that is new to the both of you, if feasible.

Oh, at least now I know who changed it, although not sure why. In the future, please don't change my threads, it makes them very confusing.

 

[TimeFlies]

So when's the wedding?

Not sure, but maybe July or August.

We want it kept simple, and nothing flashy.

 

[Sequoiasoon]

Not sure, but maybe July or August.

We want it kept simple, and nothing flashy.

Are all the BITOG family invited? We can set up an oil change drive through lane at the reception.

 

[Exhaustgases]

I didn't read all the responses here. Being old school, nothing irritates me more than young adults that expect older parents and or other relatives to support them and give them a place to live. They all seem to expect it. Once I reached the age of 18 and was out of school my mom said your dad should no longer have to support you, and you need a job and pay rent if you wish to live here.
Sorry but that is how it even works in the animal world and is meant to be.
I guess if the grand parent wants that living situation that is different, but still all the moochers should be doing all the chores and volunteering to help pay for things. Sorry a nerve got touched here.

 

[vavavroom]

Oh, at least now I know who changed it, although not sure why. In the future, please don't change my threads, it makes them very confusing.

We have a moderator who aspires to be an editor. Just wow. Maybe I can get that person to proofread my posts. Gotta start small. Come to think of it, half of my posts seem different than I remember them.