Filing for divorce

[Mr Nice]

Many with divorced parents don't think marriage is important or necessary....

The same is true for people with married parents and feel marriage is important and necessary.

 

[barkingspider]

Well, bitogers. I would like to give you an update. Since my divorce in Dec 2018 (distribution was a little better for the ex, but my attorney said we did okay) I have traveled to 5 different countries (by myself), changed jobs, moved 2 blocks from the beach w a buddy I've known for 19 years and another friend... Need roommates so we can afford the rent. I sold my vehicles I had, got a co car and recently picked up an 04 Avalanche as a hobby / toy. I met a woman 6 yrs younger than me on July 4th weekend, she was divorced 9 years ago and no kids. She lives by the beach but next beach over from me. We are doing great together and not rushing into things. W some sacrifices, I was able to build up my savings enough to be comfortable. I still owe alimony for less than 2 more years, but I'm ok w that. I lost weight, working out, made new friends (including ones during my trips overseas), work is going good, I'm closer to my sister and her family (she was there for me when I was down) I am very grateful and appreciate all that has happened. I strive to be a better person and treat people kindly. I no longer stress about things I don't have control of. I'm not on social media and I don't miss it.
My advice to anyone going through this? After mourning your loss, don't look in the rear view mirror, live for the now and enjoy every moment, and keep moving forward. Take care of yourself, get a stay healthy,never give up on yourself. You will get your life back. Thanks to this forum as I always enjoy reading your discussions

 

[Pew]

I'm glad to hear everything is getting better for you. I've seen my parents go through one as well as many friends and I understand how horrible it can be on the soul. Keep on rocking man.

 

[bdcardinal]

Congratulations!! Sounds like you are a lot better off now.

 

[JTK]

Yes, thank goodness!

I was about to stick my head in the oven after re-reading this thread.

Some of you guy's situations make me feel like I've got it pretty darn good.

 

[Andrew1972]

I am glad things looking up.

 

[JLTD]

Originally Posted by barkingspider
Been married for 5 years, started out good, went bad, tried to save it but it appears we are unable to. We don't have any children together (thank goodness). About a month ago, we both agreed that our relationship is toxic and it's best we divorce. We both have attorneys but haven't pulled the trigger on filing. Well, after today, I'm filing 1st thing tomorrow. We cannot go 60 seconds w out arguing. She's convinced that I'm 100% at fault and only I have to change. (I accept responsibility for my part of this toxic marriage but no way am I 100%). This is my 1st and most likely only marriage. It's her 3rd. At first I was embarrassed and felt like a failure but after this passed month, I think I've made peace w parting ways. I know this process sucks, expensive, emotional roller coaster, and is life changing, not looking fwd to it, but we both deserve to be happy(apart). I have 2 buddies that recently got divorced after 20 yrs of marriage and multiple children, so my situation is chump change compared to theirs. Both say that I'll be okay after the initial hurt and just take the time to heal. Any other advice is appreciated.


Tough go, it will get better with time as stated. Sorry to hear.

Easiest completion of the filing is to agree before seeing the lawyers. If you can go "yours is yours and mine is mine" it will be quick and painless. Where it can get messy is where one person wants a bunch of assets the other one has. In this case, (if you have more) tell your attorney that she gets only what is required by law and nothing more.

Oh, and even though this is the first time for you, the lawyer has done this many many times so keep that in mind when speaking. And don't let it go back and forth in negotiations, that could get you lawyered to death like I was with 1st divorce lawyer I dealt with....$4,000 and six months...switched lawyers and it was over in two weeks for under $1,000.

 

[Shannow]

barkingspider...thanks for the update, it's encouraging.

My wife and our children moved out 9 weeks ago....

Lost two belt notches so far, first time I've EVER bought something smaller than last time, and it's not through not eating...I'm meditating massively, and have progressed markedly in my Wim Hof exploration on breathing and cold...I'm here for them, but benched.

 

[bbhero]

Holy cow... Take good care of yourself Shannow...

 

[dlundblad]

[align:right][/align]Sorry to hear this.

Good luck.

*just saw the positive update as well as the age of the thread. Congrats on the turn around.

 

[JeffKeryk]

Originally Posted by Shannow
barkingspider...thanks for the update, it's encouraging.

My wife and our children moved out 9 weeks ago....

Lost two belt notches so far, first time I've EVER bought something smaller than last time, and it's not through not eating...I'm meditating massively, and have progressed markedly in my Wim Hof exploration on breathing and cold...I'm here for them, but benched.

Shannow, I cannot imagine...
Stay strong as best as you can.
We need you here on the forum.
All the best to you.

 

[JLTD]

Originally Posted by barkingspider
Well, bitogers. I would like to give you an update. Since my divorce in Dec 2018 (distribution was a little better for the ex, but my attorney said we did okay) I have traveled to 5 different countries (by myself), changed jobs, moved 2 blocks from the beach w a buddy I've known for 19 years and another friend... Need roommates so we can afford the rent. I sold my vehicles I had, got a co car and recently picked up an 04 Avalanche as a hobby / toy. I met a woman 6 yrs younger than me on July 4th weekend, she was divorced 9 years ago and no kids. She lives by the beach but next beach over from me. We are doing great together and not rushing into things. W some sacrifices, I was able to build up my savings enough to be comfortable. I still owe alimony for less than 2 more years, but I'm ok w that. I lost weight, working out, made new friends (including ones during my trips overseas), work is going good, I'm closer to my sister and her family (she was there for me when I was down) I am very grateful and appreciate all that has happened. I strive to be a better person and treat people kindly. I no longer stress about things I don't have control of. I'm not on social media and I don't miss it.
My advice to anyone going through this? After mourning your loss, don't look in the rear view mirror, live for the now and enjoy every moment, and keep moving forward. Take care of yourself, get a stay healthy,never give up on yourself. You will get your life back. Thanks to this forum as I always enjoy reading your discussions


Well

I totally missed this update! Sorry 'bout that, glad things have turned around!

Shannow buddy....hang in there, glad the meditation is working. Persist!

 

[JTK]

Originally Posted by Cujet


I always listened to Dad's (and teacher's) advice. The problem is that my grandfathers never gave me advice, so I blame them. Had they done so, I would have been better educated on female behavior later in life. Yes, I eventually did the research and I now know what I should have 40 years ago. Women change, and 2 out of 3 older women lose all interest. It's natural, hormonal and common. Contrast that with the 15% of men who lose interest. We truly are different, men and women.

I adore my wife and there is an unfortunate adjustment on my side for it. Furthermore, I'm not alone, you will hear similar comments from many older married men.


HOWEVER, "if" I could go back in time, I'd never marry.



Originally Posted by Shannow
Cujet,
reaching that "part of the furniture" stage isn't what I was expecting either.


Cujet and Shannow. Sorry I missed this a year ago. Especially Shannow with the recent turn of events. I don't know what to say other than I wish you the best.

It is so true that men, especially older generation, don't talk about this stuff.

I get it that as time goes on and we age, men and women can loose interest in certain activities. It's natural. What I don't get is if one is still interested and the other party refuses to help them out on occasion regardless. That's a fireable offence. That's throwing marriage vows right out the window. It's cruel and a lack of respect for your other.

Having never had these conversations with my dad or grandparents, it did get some coverage when my dad was dying of cancer in his mid 70s. It started with prostate cancer and given all the procedures and meds he was on, he was unable to perform certain duties as he explained to me when we'd go out to breakfast when he could. To him, this was the worst part and the only time we talked about it. Of course I'd be grossed out and tell him so. 'C'mon dad.. you and mom? GROSS! stop!'

I've been married 20yrs and have been with the same women for 30. Four kids later It ain't easy but we make it work. Would I marry again? Too early to tell. LOL

 

[Shannow]

We were together 28,married 5, 2kids, whowe tookto Vegas to make themlegitimate.

Seen the kids for 11 hours (over 4 events) for my son, and maybe 8 hours over thee events with our daughter.

Plenty of time to reflect on the half dozen times that were really tough over the period, and could have bailed, but didn't...

 

[BMWTurboDzl]

We all are entitled to a mulligan.

 

[pandus13]

Originally Posted by Shannow
We were together 28,married 5, 2kids, whowe tookto Vegas to make themlegitimate.

Seen the kids for 11 hours (over 4 events) for my son, and maybe 8 hours over thee events with our daughter.

Plenty of time to reflect on the half dozen times that were really tough over the period, and could have bailed, but didn't...

Kids are smart.
Growing up, they will know who is the level headed one and in the right.

Unfortunately, you need time. No matter how much it hurts.

My best wishes, mate.

I hear doing some activity like volunteering or anything to help people, may help with healing. At least to keep busy and not stare at walls at home with too many thought on your mind.