Aging Parents

[SZR48207]

I made a thread a year or two back that is somewhat related to this topic.. so I guess this is just me ranting again or looking for some advice.

Dad is nearly 70 and in OK health.. maybe 75%. He's got chronic pain, HBP, migraines, vertigo, etc.. Things just sort of went downhill about 10 years ago and haven't improved. He's mobile, though and isn't stuck to bed. He's on full retirement, but due to the pain issues is pretty much stuck at home. The chronic pain has changed his personality and lately it seems like he has been making somewhat impulsive or reckless decisions (nothing dangerous). I think he had great big plans for his retirement years but didn't factor in the possibility of health decline so it's like he's still trying to live out those dreams.

Mom is also retired now and lives with him and takes care of him. She's in great health, but has always been the supportive wife so dad has typically run the decisions in the house for all these years. I am starting to question the decisions being made.

Since they are both home almost all day every day, I think they are driving each other nuts now. They also decided to downsize to a single car so either they both go some place, or only one of them goes some place and the other is stuck at home (this is one of those reckless decisions). Financially they had no reason to do this -- they can easily afford both cars but it seems like they did it because they felt like it was something they were "supposed" to do?


Talking to each parent individually, it's like they just gripe about the other person. When we are all together things are OK, but it also seems like they are just putting on appearances for the sake of family.

It almost seems like divorce or separation would be good for them, but dad frankly needs someone to take care of him, and mom needs someone tame and stable like dad.


I'm just the son who has tried to be supportive of both, but the entire situation keeps me up at night and distracts me at work. I don't think it's my position to get involved. Do I just wait for them to call it quits or for one to die off?

 

[daves87rs]

It's like my parents being retired for a few years now. They tend to drive each other crazy sometimes.But a recent health scare has brought them together more. I know it's not easy being married almost 50 years sometimes!

Sounds like to me they are still figuring how to adjust to this life. Key for you is not being afraid to say something. Might help them focus a bit more on the important stuff.....

 

[user52165]

"It almost seems like divorce or separation would be good for them"

Better rethink that one. They've been together a long time and now need each each more than ever.

Older folks often are grumpy to each other and to others, but that's as far as it goes.

Ask me how I know, I'm 74.

 

[SZR48207]

Originally Posted by user52165
"It almost seems like divorce or separation would be good for them"

Better rethink that one. They've been together a long time and now need each each more than ever.

Older folks often are grumpy to each other and to others, but that's as far as it goes.

Ask me how I know, I'm 74.


Perhaps I should have described it as some temporary time away from each other each day.. at this point neither of them is going to find anyone else in this world who can put up with them.. I just hope they realize this.

 

[ecotourist]

70 years old is actually pretty young. Many 70 year olds have a health problem or two. You don't mention any that are out of the ordinary (ie can't be dealt with).

A few things to consider:
1) You say your dad has chronic pain. Is he taking opioids (narcotics)? Long term opioids don't control pain, people taking them have more depressive symptoms, and also see the future in a less positive way. Most people taking them (63% in one study) continue to take them only because they don't want to go through withdrawal. If he's taking long term opioids that opens a whole chapter for which he would benefit from professional help - and that might not be from the person who is prescribing the opioids.
2) Is he drinking a lot?
3) Is he depressed (sleep disturbed - either not sleeping or sleeping all the time, no energy, gaining or losing weight, tearful, etc.)?
4) Is he getting any exercise?
5) What does he do for fun?

 

[SZR48207]

Originally Posted by ecotourist
70 years old is actually pretty young. Many 70 year olds have a health problem or two. You don't mention any that are out of the ordinary (ie can't be dealt with).

A few things to consider:
1) You say your dad has chronic pain. Is he taking opioids (narcotics)? Long term opioids don't control pain, people taking them have more depressive symptoms, and also see the future in a less positive way. Most people taking them (63% in one study) continue to take them only because they don't want to go through withdrawal. If he's taking long term opioids that opens a whole chapter for which he would benefit from professional help - and that might not be from the person who is prescribing the opioids.
2) Is he drinking a lot?
3) Is he depressed (sleep disturbed - either not sleeping or sleeping all the time, no energy, gaining or losing weight, tearful, etc.)?
4) Is he getting any exercise?
5) What does he do for fun?


I'm trying to not get too deep into details but the health problems stem from nervous system issues that were operated on a while back.. the operation was only slightly successful. I wouldn't consider the health issues to be "typical" for a 70 year old.

He doesn't care for opioids or alcohol. Can't exercise without it turning into excruciating pain or migraines.. never really was the type to have fun or hobbies. The creator pretty much built him to have kids and to work overtime to benefit the rest of the family. He keeps to himself and frankly sucks at communication which has made it difficult for us in the family to go deep with anything. We never know something is a problem until well after the dust has settled.

I think the chronic pain is screwing with his mental abilities.

 

[ZZman]

Chronic pain does change people. It affects sleep and makes people cranky. This in turn affects those around them. Especially a spouse. Sorry to hear you feel stuck in the middle.

 

[Donald]

Getting old is is better than dying. You have to deal with what comes your way. No one made any promises about old age. Not easy for everyone involved.

 

[MParr]

Chronic pain can be a big issue. You touched on him making questionable decisions recently. You mentioned vertigo. That needs to be checked more closely. Has he had his blood oxygen levels checked? He may need to be screened for dementia. My mom had dementia and some of what you are describing, she had early on. It took us a while to figure out something was wrong with her brain. She would misplace things. The meals she prepared for my dad started being not worth eating. The vertigo and falling got more frequent. We took her to a neurologist and he did scans and asked her certain questions and he diagnosed her. What an awful disease.

 

[BMWTurboDzl]

Keep them together. From a financial perspective it's going to be a nightmare for everyone if they're separated. From a mental health perspective I would guess that your father won't last too long being alone.

 

[Brybo86]

I'll say it, the elephant in the room....
Viagra !


Jk, I would suggest mom takes a break and goes to see her sibling or something for a few days , then you take dad on a trip to somewhere manageable for his pain.

When they get back they will realize how much they miss each other

 

[Sierra048]

Reddy45,

I feel your pain. My parents loved each other dearly. But in their later years, retired and homebound, they appeared to get on each other's nerves constantly. To an outsider it appeared they couldn't stand each other. My mom passed in August 2015. Without my mom, my dad lasted exactly one month and he too was gone. He had actually given up the will to live (he would tell us so) without my mom. My FIL passed this passed July and we are now dealing with my MIL who seems to have the same mindset. I truly feel for you and what you are going through. Don't be too hard on them. Aging can be unkind to some. Best of luck to you in this trying time.

 

[mrsilv04]

I lost my Mom two weeks ago. She was 76, and had Parkinson's Disease for 34 years, diagnosed with it in 1984... at the age of 42. Almost half of her life.

I'm now 5 years older than she was, when she was diagnosed with it. That alone bothers me.

Your parents may be feeling overwhelmed (and you too). It's a feeling that we felt as well.

Your Mom might need some free time away from your Dad, and vice versa. It can be overwhelming at times. Maybe some help from outside of the family, for a few afternoons each week. Yes, it'll cost some money, but it will be a lot cheaper than a divorce or a nursing home.

My Dad made sure of it, that Mom never spent a single day in a nursing home. He had a couple of retired nurses come in, and help him with Mom (
At 79, my Dad still works 10-20 hours a week. His employer lets him work on 'special projects' as much as he wants to. It helped him "get away" from the issues at home. It helped him cope, mentally. One of the retired nurses would come in to take care of Mom, and he would literally go to work, get groceries, or run errands. All the while, he knew that Mom was in good hands. And he was away from the responsibility, if only for a few hours. Your Mom could go to lunch with her friends without worry, or play bingo, or golf. She's away from him, he's away from her... if only for a few hours. It makes a huge difference.

However, you need to cherish them both, every day.... no matter how ugly things seem.

Also, you need to make sure that there's nothing new (and undiagnosed) with your Dad. There might be issues with the medicines that he's taking, and his mental state... or there could be something new at play.

 

[StevieC]

I'm sort of going through the same thing with my parents at the present time, both retired and my dad was diagnosed with Cancer 5 years ago and has been on hormone treatment therapy and this makes him ultra-moody by nature of the treatment (according to his oncologist this is a natural side effect) and also because he is in constant pain. I can relate to this with the chronic pain I have in my back and I know when it's not co-operating I can loose my temper much more easily. It's a hard thing to keep under control at times.

As my mom spends more time at home now due to her semi-retirement they get into quite the fights. I'm the only sibling that lives close by with my brother in the U.S. and sister overseas so it always seems I'm having to go over there and patch things up enough to keep them cool. It isn't easy that is for sure and I find that I have to take sides here/there to try and resolve things. I have encouraged both of them to find volunteer stuff they can do in the community to both tire them out and to keep them from spending too much time together. My dad can only do limited stuff because of his health but my mom can do a lot and she has been lately and I have noticed the incident rate has fallen dramatically.

Prior to this they both worked a lot and were actively traveling so they were always busy and tired and had almost no time to pick at each other and I think this is why it has happened, that and because of my dad's moodiness thanks to the therapy he is under. He refuses to take medication to improve his mood because he is quite stubborn. We already tried that one. He won't even take Advil for a headache. That's the type he is.

Not sure if that is an option for you but I wanted to mention it.

 

[SZR48207]

Stevie -- Our dads are pretty much identical then. He doesn't want to take any meds, so then he's just toughing out the pain, and ends up taking it out on people. My mom is seeking outside opportunities that she can do each day, but dad seems to want her to stay at home also.

The whole situation is just a mess that makes no sense..

 

[SZR48207]

Originally Posted by MParr
Chronic pain can be a big issue. You touched on him making questionable decisions recently. You mentioned vertigo. That needs to be checked more closely. Has he had his blood oxygen levels checked? He may need to be screened for dementia. My mom had dementia and some of what you are describing, she had early on. It took us a while to figure out something was wrong with her brain. She would misplace things. The meals she prepared for my dad started being not worth eating. The vertigo and falling got more frequent. We took her to a neurologist and he did scans and asked her certain questions and he diagnosed her. What an awful disease.



Hi MParr -- The trouble we're having is dad doesn't want to get checked out for anything. We all want him to get better but I think he's given up on improvement. Should we force him to get treatment? I don't know.

 

[CT8]

Originally Posted by Donald
Getting old is is better than dying. You have to deal with what comes your way. No one made any promises about old age. Not easy for everyone involved.

Not always! Aging sucks big time.

 

[MParr]

Reddy45
My mother died in 2011. We discovered she had dementia after heart surgery. The surgery was in 2008. I guess the anesthesia caused it to be more clear to us that, she wasn't quiet right. My dad cared for her in the home. I would come by on Saturdays to fix her medications for the next week and allow my dad to get away for a while. She had major mood swings. She kept telling the same stories over and over. It was mainly about when she was younger. My dad was a trooper throughout her illness and would not put her in a home. As her disease progressed, my dad would have someone come and clean the house once a week. He also got Meals on Wheels to deliver prepared meals during the week. Talk with your parents about contacting your local Council on Aging. They can be a real help. They have day programs and they can find people who can help out. Your mom needs some relief. I do think you need to get him assessed. You may have to force him to go. It may be better for you and your siblings to take the lead on it. It's going to be hard but, being united is better than letting your mother handle by herself.

 

[JTK]

Reddy, sorry if I missed it, but do you have siblings to help you out with your parents? I'm fortunate to have 3 and we all live within 10 miles of each other and our 78yr/old mom. This helps considerably. Mom is still active, mobile and lives in her own home. My dad passed away nearly 10yrs ago from cancer and she misses him every day (we all do), but mom keeps busy with friends, family, etc. Siblings and I at a minimum, call her daily.

 

[Al]

Stay out of it. Its not your life. And cutting down to one car makes sense. I sense you are trying to be controlling. I am 72 and see things from a perspective you don't.