Let's say you have a married couple whom you are close friends with both but one of them is cheating. Do you tell the other person that they're cheating or do you mind your business because it's not your marriage? What would you do in this situation?
Friends and cheating
- Thread starter Pew
- Start date
I'm in camp mind your own.
I really hate to see people get hosed with cheating. If they don't have an open marriage then I'd find a discreet way to let one know. I have seen times where people try to step in and let the person being cheated on know but that can backfire with them denying it's possible it is happening.
I would mind my own business, and slowly distance myself from the cheating friend. I've witnessed this in real life, where a friend of both parties ratted out the cheater. BOTH of the people ended up hating the mutual friend.
There are no winners in that situation. Best to keep it to yourself. Someone who will cheat on their spouse is not to be trusted.
I pull away from that friendship until it's discovered or resolved.
I refuse to be marriage counselor, or have the burden of deciding this placed on my wife or I.
It's simply not fair to put the burden of secrecy on third parties. and not possible to build trust back with the one being cheated on when they discover everyone knew and no one told them.
I refuse to be marriage counselor, or have the burden of deciding this placed on my wife or I.
It's simply not fair to put the burden of secrecy on third parties. and not possible to build trust back with the one being cheated on when they discover everyone knew and no one told them.
How do you know that one of them is cheating? What did you see? What did you hear?
Rumor, hearsay, and false accusation are all things to be avoided, and with good reason.
If one person told you that they cheated, then that is a fact. Everything else that you “know” is questionable.
Rumor, hearsay, and false accusation are all things to be avoided, and with good reason.
If one person told you that they cheated, then that is a fact. Everything else that you “know” is questionable.
I went through this many years ago with dear friends. I had a suspicion a friend's wife was cheating, and kept it to myself. One night a buddy of mine and I went out for a beer after a Karate class, and in the parking lot I see the friend in questions wife's car in the park lot. The buddy I was with knew her as well, both of us popped our heads into the place, and there she is all dolled up, with a guy probably half her age all over her. We and kept our mouths shut, a few weeks later she booted her husband, filed for a divorce and we lost both her and her husband as friends. Bottom line, the best thing to do is nothing!
Thanks everybody, all great replies.
For context, it's been a few years since I was put in this situation. At the time I opted to mind my own business, told him that I strongly disagree with his actions but he's a grown man and fully able to make his own decisions and the consequences that follows. At that current moment he was on an extremely short stick with his wife because of his history of cheating on her so he fully knew the consequences. Long story short, they're going through a divorce. I've since stopped talking to the husband; his cheating along with his behavior within the last year of us hanging out made me lose trust in him. I'm still good friends with the wife and have told her a little bit about the stuff she didn't know about. At first she was a little bit upset that I didn't tell her but she understood that I didn't want to get in the middle of it.
I agree with not saying anything unless I have 100% irrefutable proof. He was on Tindr, showed me her picture, texts, etc. He also has a history of cheating on her and she's kept all the proof from his previous cheating sessions.
I have a friend that went through a similar situation with knowing that his cousin was cheating on his wife, but he was close to both of them and didn't know what to do.
For context, it's been a few years since I was put in this situation. At the time I opted to mind my own business, told him that I strongly disagree with his actions but he's a grown man and fully able to make his own decisions and the consequences that follows. At that current moment he was on an extremely short stick with his wife because of his history of cheating on her so he fully knew the consequences. Long story short, they're going through a divorce. I've since stopped talking to the husband; his cheating along with his behavior within the last year of us hanging out made me lose trust in him. I'm still good friends with the wife and have told her a little bit about the stuff she didn't know about. At first she was a little bit upset that I didn't tell her but she understood that I didn't want to get in the middle of it.
I agree with not saying anything unless I have 100% irrefutable proof. He was on Tindr, showed me her picture, texts, etc. He also has a history of cheating on her and she's kept all the proof from his previous cheating sessions.
I have a friend that went through a similar situation with knowing that his cousin was cheating on his wife, but he was close to both of them and didn't know what to do.
About 10 years ago my wife and I had become more and more social with one of our neighbor couples who lived on our street. The wife was an engineer at a local company and on a scale of 1-10 I'd call her an 18, scary smart, charming, and an absolute knockout. He's a smart guy as well, had his own business and was (is) very, very well off. She had to leave the country on a European project that lasted about a year and a half, coming home once every 2-3 months or so, and he would go visit her about once a month. When she was gone he cheated on her left and right with the hired help from a local bar. Nonstop. He told me story after story about his adventures and all i could do was tell him "Mike, why are you doing this? You really need to stop. You guys have kids." Didnt matter to him one bit. I knew where he was hanging out after hours and it was a well known dive full of middle aged desperados, and has since been shut down for.... illegal short term relationships, involving money. His rationale was "Well she's over there probably doing the same thing to me".
I really wanted to let his wife know what was going on, and so did my wife as she was more friends with her than I was, but there is no good way to do that. Once she returned home he stopped his nonsense but ironically told me he found she had been texting a coworker off and on and he went ballistic and showed up at her work and threatened the guy. He showed me pictures of the texts, I really didnt see much of anything, the conversations looked pretty platonic and like fairly innocent chit-chat to me. I pretty much concluded he was a raging narcissist, and one of my mutual friends with him chuckled at me for not coming to this conclusion a long time ago. We are still acquaintances but I keep this friendship on a very shallow level and we dont get together much at all anymore.
My advice.... plead ignorance and do not get involved. You'll lose the cheater for sure, and the spouse victim will only blame you for not telling them sooner, or for telling them at all.
I really wanted to let his wife know what was going on, and so did my wife as she was more friends with her than I was, but there is no good way to do that. Once she returned home he stopped his nonsense but ironically told me he found she had been texting a coworker off and on and he went ballistic and showed up at her work and threatened the guy. He showed me pictures of the texts, I really didnt see much of anything, the conversations looked pretty platonic and like fairly innocent chit-chat to me. I pretty much concluded he was a raging narcissist, and one of my mutual friends with him chuckled at me for not coming to this conclusion a long time ago. We are still acquaintances but I keep this friendship on a very shallow level and we dont get together much at all anymore.
My advice.... plead ignorance and do not get involved. You'll lose the cheater for sure, and the spouse victim will only blame you for not telling them sooner, or for telling them at all.
You will be blamed for the end of their marriage.
I was asked for advice from a gal regarding kicking out her husband. I told her, you can ask me anything you want except that. It is a no-win situation.
twouvakind
Site Donor 2024
An age old question without an affirmative answer. Good luck on whatever course you choose.
- Joined
- Sep 25, 2020
- Messages
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I've told once. Lost a life long friend because of it. I'll never open my mouth again
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In my younger years a buddy was cheating on his wife and he would tell her he was hanging out with me. The wife was a very nice person and obviously tried to trust her husband. I guess her curiosity got the best of her and she showed up at my place asking where is he. I didn’t say a word. She was smart enough to know that since I didn’t cover for him then he really was stepping out. She caught him with his skank shortly after that. The buddy asked me why I didn’t cover for him. I told him before and also again after the fact not to ever include me in his lies. Never saw much of him after that. Infidelity of course breaks up marriages but the friends are collateral damage.
1) Stay out of it.
2) Might be a good idea to distance yourself from the friendship so you don’t get caught up in the mix. I don’t hang out with dudes who cheat cause I don’t want my name associated with the situation.
2) Might be a good idea to distance yourself from the friendship so you don’t get caught up in the mix. I don’t hang out with dudes who cheat cause I don’t want my name associated with the situation.
