Help me list the benefits of a helper for my aging in place parents...

[AZjeff]

My mom had a DNR. She had a medical situation that led to the ER where they asked her if she wanted to be resuscitated if things went bad. She said yes of course. Realized it’s one thing sitting at the kitchen table filling out forms and something else when dying is a distinct possibility. Got through that deal and a DNR Didn’t matter, Covid made the choice for her.

 

[bbhero]

For absolute certain they don't want anything like any kind of daily "medical" assistance. Non starter.

In a little while I will download my non filled out paperwork needed for in home personal care…

This will give you all an stronger understanding of what that SHOULD really entail…

Again…I am definitely not against private duty in home care.

I think it can be done well and safely….

But you must have a good number of things being done prior to starting that.

To protect your family member and that other person who’s coming in to help them.

 

[Pablo]

In a little while I will download my non filled out paperwork needed for in home personal care…

This will give you all an stronger understanding of what that SHOULD really entail…

Again…I am definitely not against private duty in home care.

I think it can be done well and safely….

But you must have a good number of things being done prior to starting that.

To protect your family member and that other person who’s coming in to help them.

This is all well and good. Great actually.

But if elders absolutely don't want help and clearly state it in no uncertain terms, then so be it.

 

[bbhero]

This is all well and good. Great actually.

But if elders absolutely don't want help and clearly state it in no uncertain terms, then so be it.

I understand…

Completely… My own mom was not agreeing with in home help 3 and a half months ago… But she was open to the idea of it in the future.

Which I was grateful for that.

What I am doing here though is giving you or anyone… A idea/ template for what should be done IF their family members are accepting of getting a bit of outside help to come in.

This is the exact paperwork that I am going to have to fill out for my own mom if we had my staff come in.

And I would use this EXACT same template paperwork for a outside private duty independent home care person…

My tone here in typing this is not meant in any way, shape, form or fashion meant to be considered condescending or taking down to you or anyone else…

I mean to be helping you. And anyone else who reads this.

That is my real honest thought and intent here my friend.

 

[bbhero]

Here is the initial forms for a new client…. I left a few pages out. Like the medication list and skin assessment and wound care assessment and the home oxygen questionnaire and questions about supplies they already may have.


The last few obviously hand printed notes are that of my own initiative… I felt like the plan of care was too broad and not enough details about an individual. So… I hand wrote my own notes about the client.

Has one can see this is a fairly comprehensive form assessment that is done.

And yes… in home personal care is a bit medical therefore the necessity of a plan of care that someone in my position fills out for a in home care giver.

And yes… if my mom gets around to agreeing to have a bit of help in her and my step fathers home… I will be filling out all of this and writing those hand written care notes for her too.


I would use this same EXACT same framework if we were to hire an outside independent private duty care giver….

It’s necessary information and an expectation of what is to be provided. This is a way for all sides to know what is expected. That is a big big deal in my opinion.

 

[Al]

"Make It About You - This sounds counter intuitive, but hear us out. If your parents won’t budge on help for themselves, would they do it for their kids? Re-frame the conversation to be about YOU. You’re the one who is worried about them, and your stress from those constant concerns is becoming a burden on you (and your siblings). Many parents don’t like the idea of being a burden or a source of trouble for their children, so making the discussion about your needs may be another way to convince them to agree to some help."

Yes-Yes-Yes

 

[bbhero]

Yes-Yes-Yes

And I tend to agree.

Though one should be quite measured, and considerate not being too strong in suggesting they are a burden to us… Is not going to be well received either.

But at the end of the day they have to feel comfortable doing that.

Let’s be clear… Allowing ANY outsider into their home is a big, big, big request. For good reason…. Bad people are out there… And they have zero scruples in stealing from people.

Even in a facility… We had a BAD person get a WW II veterans bank information and she used that to funnel $1,200 a month into a account she set up for herself… She had been doing that for over a year and half before she got caught.

And then there is the issue of just someone not being diligent, not doing what they are asked to do, playing in their phone the whole time, and up to and including being abusive in a variety of ways too.


It is very, very difficult for our older people having an outside person in their home.

And I certainly understand that too.

 

[Pablo]

Dang, excellent opinions so far. My 90 year old mom is recovering from a hip fracture fall. She had her own efficiency apartment in an assisted living facility and now will move into a "more assisted" situation when recovered.

Overcoming the stubbornness factor needs to be addressed more - you/we need to become a psychology major. I can only add to Google it. Yes, I Googled "How to get home care for stubborn elders" and there are tons of hits. This link mentions an idea I use: https://opensystemshealthcare.com/elderly-parents-refuse-help/

"Make It About You - This sounds counter intuitive, but hear us out. If your parents won’t budge on help for themselves, would they do it for their kids? Re-frame the conversation to be about YOU. You’re the one who is worried about them, and your stress from those constant concerns is becoming a burden on you (and your siblings). Many parents don’t like the idea of being a burden or a source of trouble for their children, so making the discussion about your needs may be another way to convince them to agree to some help."

Thanks. We are at this stage:


"

If Your Aging Parent Still Won’t Budge​

If you’ve tried the above strategies and your loved one is set on refusing assisted living or home care services, accept their choice. As frustrating as it is, your parent is an adult and needs to make the decision for themselves, even if it’s a poor choice. When this situation arises, don’t reject or dispute their opinion. Rather, continue to offer help, love, and support to your aging parent. In their own time and on their own terms, they may realize that help would be beneficial to their life. The best you can do in the meantime is accept the situation, enjoy your time with your parent, and communicate clearly that you’ll always be there for them, whether or not they change their mind."

 

[doitmyself]

Thank you bbhero for continuing to pound experience based reality into this discussion.

Pablo - I keep reminding myself to not feel guilty over certain situations and the inevitable outcomes. We simply cannot control some of the "should haves" before, during, and after. It's painful. My mom complains of lack of grandchildren visits, not realizing my dad's (RIP) demeanor soured them. Sigh.

 

[paulo57509]

Just sharing my experience.

What helped with my mother was that we had "the talk" about it not being safe for her to be living alone. We talked about this often, before the dementia set in so she understood what I was telling her. I never pushed it; just explained to her and reminded her of the times she locked herself out of the house, how I wasn't buying her as much groceries as usual, she wasn't ordering her Rx refills on time, she had falls, etc. Her friend who was already in assisted living had talked to her about it as well.

It took a while but Mom finally agreed on her own that it was indeed no longer safe for her to be living by herself.

Mom and Dad made it easy on my brother and I because of their long term care insurance. Assisted living isn't professional nursing care but they do provide help with everyday living, 3 squares, Rx dispensing and refills, transportation to and from the doctor for regular check-ups, weekly rides in the bus to get ice cream, etc. They're also around to try to prevent falls (these can never be eliminated, just reduced).

I occasionally see some of the care givers when I'm out and about. I'm forever thankful for their caring and support. They fondly remember my Mom; I think it's because she was pretty low maintenance - no violent outbursts.

On one nightly visit, I arrived to find mom asleep in a chair so I just sat with her. Felix came over and sat with me. Even though he spoke perfect English, he talked to me non-stop for 90 minutes - in Portuguese! I have no idea what he was talking about but he sure did laugh a lot. I think he was giving me the business.

 

[bbhero]

Thanks. We are at this stage:


"

If Your Aging Parent Still Won’t Budge​

If you’ve tried the above strategies and your loved one is set on refusing assisted living or home care services, accept their choice. As frustrating as it is, your parent is an adult and needs to make the decision for themselves, even if it’s a poor choice. When this situation arises, don’t reject or dispute their opinion. Rather, continue to offer help, love, and support to your aging parent. In their own time and on their own terms, they may realize that help would be beneficial to their life. The best you can do in the meantime is accept the situation, enjoy your time with your parent, and communicate clearly that you’ll always be there for them, whether or not they change their mind."

And I agree ^^^^^^^

I have this mindset with my mom….

I wish it were different…. But I respect my mom and step father’s Independence and choice.

 

[bbhero]

Thank you bbhero for continuing to pound experience based reality into this discussion.

Pablo - I keep reminding myself to not feel guilty over certain situations and the inevitable outcomes. We simply cannot control some of the "should haves" before, during, and after. It's painful. My mom complains of lack of grandchildren visits, not realizing my dad's (RIP) demeanor soured them. Sigh.

Thank you very much. I really appreciate your comment here.

I have A LOT of real world experience with this type circumstance with other people.

I have to admit… When that proverbial wolf shows up at your own door it is not remotely easy. It was very, very, very hard for me to have a conversation about my mom and step father needing in home care… I broke down in tears at my office talking with a co worker about this.

It is candidly.. . Very, very, very hard.

 

[Nick1994]

I think there's a lot of different things that change plans of actions, like you and your sibling's relationship with your parents and how accepting they are to help, which doesn't sound like they're super open minded to it. My grandparents were the opposite, they were totally ok with asking for help and all that.

Probably best to sit down with your siblings and make sure you are all on the same page, then plan a family lunch or something that you all go see them. Sort of like an intervention and talk to them about getting some help. And when they don't accept it, tell them ok, but at what point will they be willing to accept help? Ask if they trust your guys' judgement.

I'd recommend asking friends and acquaintances if they know anyone who can do odd jobs and be a helper. I have a 102 year old neighbor (I'm 28) who I've helped for about 10-15 years with some things. Her husband died 20 years ago and she has no children or family. She used to pay me to drive her to the grocery store, pharmacy, doctors visits, the bank, etc. and to do some small things around the house like fix a door knob, hang some grab bars, replace light bulbs, move furniture etc. but the last few years she has full time caregivers living with her. I still visit and order her stuff on Amazon and move furniture and do small repairs like the A/C filter. She actually helped pay for my bachelor's degree, truly a wonderful person.

But anyways sometimes people have grandkids that like to help people. Sometimes you may find a woman who is a school bus driver and has a few hours in the middle of the day free that she can run errands and help.

Hard to find people you can trust too, and to make sure they won't steal their checkbook etc.

 

[AmBeRnEcTaR]

I think there's a lot of different things that change plans of actions, like you and your sibling's relationship with your parents and how accepting they are to help, which doesn't sound like they're super open minded to it. My grandparents were the opposite, they were totally ok with asking for help and all that.

Probably best to sit down with your siblings and make sure you are all on the same page, then plan a family lunch or something that you all go see them. Sort of like an intervention and talk to them about getting some help. And when they don't accept it, tell them ok, but at what point will they be willing to accept help? Ask if they trust your guys' judgement.

I'd recommend asking friends and acquaintances if they know anyone who can do odd jobs and be a helper. I have a 102 year old neighbor (I'm 28) who I've helped for about 10-15 years with some things. Her husband died 20 years ago and she has no children or family. She used to pay me to drive her to the grocery store, pharmacy, doctors visits, the bank, etc. and to do some small things around the house like fix a door knob, hang some grab bars, replace light bulbs, move furniture etc. but the last few years she has full time caregivers living with her. I still visit and order her stuff on Amazon and move furniture and do small repairs like the A/C filter. She actually helped pay for my bachelor's degree, truly a wonderful person.

But anyways sometimes people have grandkids that like to help people. Sometimes you may find a woman who is a school bus driver and has a few hours in the middle of the day free that she can run errands and help.

Hard to find people you can trust too, and to make sure they won't steal their checkbook etc.

For this right here ^^^^ you'll always be golden to me.

Good for you man, only people with good inside live their lives this way.

Kudos

 

[Dave Hess]

Pablo,

How far away do your parents live from you ?

Make sure you vet the helper very very carefully.

 

[vwmaniaman]

I had to put my hermit sister in a assisted living home here in KY. She is 77 and has dementia and has fallen many times. My hernia surgery won't permit me lifting on her and she refused to always wear the fall alert we got for her. The Service "A Place For Mom" came to our rescue with many details about how to convince her that is what she needed. She may have 2 or more years left and she is beginning to make some friends and says the food on the menu is very good. Her room is a spacious studio that we had to furnish. She gets her medicine delivered in daily dose packages that they administer to her. Before she could never remember if she took it or not, Her hygiene had gotten bad since her rheumatoid arthritis caused her range of motion to be limited.. When she falls she looses memory and doesn't know where she is. The impetus for this change came when she fell in May and thought she was at the library. The place we have her now is called RiverCrest Place and it is a very clean and hospitable home with places for residents to gather and talk. I imagine it has about 150 to 200 residents. It cost her about $4000/mo for all the extra services, but I just could not keep up with her needs and my two homes and 2 grand daughters and my wife. We like to camp and travel and that was becoming impossible. Sorry this is long but you will get much help with your decisions from the place I mentioned "a place for Mom" It is a free service and they set up the appointments for you to tour their facilities.

 

[medunko]

It’s a old thread but for my experience , elder pple need the most ~ attention I mean the son/ daughter to listen what they talk and agree In fact they play their role like in theatre to be parent. Parent is parent forever. They cannot realized that you are grown person already..but we have to forgive and to find more time to listen their stories. The elederly pple are so scared from the death… everything is clear in the end for all of us soon or later dust to dust

 

[andrew_j]

I know you are worried and concerned however should you let them chose their final years after kindly offering?

 

[Pablo]

I know you are worried and concerned however should you let them chose their final years after kindly offering?

That is the outcome/road at this point

 

[medunko]

Probably “final years” is not an exact word, I mean the final hours, moment , seconds for all of us who are younger. Just God knows and that’s his will.
Yes. I’ worried for pple but for the Salvation of soul is the the most important, I’ m not a priest, just to mention.
The problem sometimes that our elderly feel insecure and live in their youth and I thiink, from my experience, to be calm , talking with respect and listen to them.