Not Wanting To Be Involved In Siblings Wedding

My sister married one of my very good friends from my first submarine. They met while she was on a trip here to visit me.
When the got married my soon to be brother in law asked me to be the best man, but that was what he wanted but his buddy from HS would be disappointed. So I said just make him your best man. My Ex-wife was the maid the of honor. When my best friend from HS got married he asked me to be in the wedding. I really wasn't interested in being in the wedding, but I did because it was about him, not about me. You have to do what is right for you, but the actual wedding it is a few hours one day and your sister will appreciate it. You would have to explain the 3 months of things to me. In any wedding I have been in I have only had to do the rehearsal dinner and the actual wedding. Sometimes in this life you do things you don't want to do to keep the peace.
 
It seems to me that the OP has expressed valid reasons not to participate.
A few comments which might "refine" the view of all here ...

If this were not a family wedding, but some other wedding, would we be advocating for the OP to participate? Probably not. And so "because it's family", some of you are insisting he participate? Not all family dynamics are pleasant ones; we have to acknowledge that fact. The OP has clearly stated he has no real connection to the future BIL. I don't see why there would be a need to force some feigned connection for what is supposed to be an special event.

What I find more telling (concerning) is that the rest of the family is trying to coerce the OP.
- given that the future BIL has no real connection with the OP, why in the world would the BIL want the OP as a groomsman? To me, it shows that they (wedding party) are just trying to fill some spots or follow some conventional state of "tradition". If they "need" another groomsman to fill a spot, are we to belive there is no other human on the planet that can't fill that spot with joy in their heart, rather than one who has disdain for the general nature of weddings? Can't the bride/groom come up with some other person that actually WANTS to be involved? It seems to me that one of two things is true here:
1) they are trying to balance out the count of groomsmen to bridesmaid, and need a body to fill a hole
2) they are following some manner of "tradition" by mandating all family members join the bride/groom at their side
NEITHER of these two choices are a valid reason for force someone to participate IMO. If you need to fill a space, there has to be some other human being who'd be willing to stand with the groom. Or, is the family just Hellbent to induce suffering into the OP for the sake of tradition?

Several of you speak about the "love" for the sister; do it because it's what she wants. I've got news for you, not everyone likes their family, for a variety of reasons. I'm not saying that the OP hates his sister; we don't know much about this family dynamic. But if the sister loves her brother (the OP), then should not her love for him thereby respect his desire to not be involved????? Isn't love supposed to be a two-way street?????


- IN NO MANNER am I picking on the OP here, but if he didn't want to participate, there's no way in Hades I'd want him standing up at my wedding. I would not want to force someone to participate in what's supposed to be a genuine day of joy and commitment. I would want people standing at my side that DESIRED to be there at my side. If I coerce someone into being involved, it becomes disingenuous, etc. I find it incredibly odd that after the OP has expressed no desire to be involved (multiple times rejected the idea), yet the family is still trying to coerce him into being up there. This is supposed to be a day of joy for all attending. Certainly, the bride and groom should be the most important, but does that give them some inalienable right to make others miserable? I don't think so.

Perhaps, because I'm from a different country, I don't understand the nuances of the UK way of life. This sure reminds me of the TV show "Keeping up appearances" .... because it seems that emphasis is being placed on what looks good, and not what feels right. But from where I stand, if I were the bride/groom, I wouldn't want someone up front with me that didn't want to be there in the first place. I cannot conceive of any reason I'd feel I had a right to force someone to be miserable and participate in something they reject. The bride/groom should have people standing with them that WANT to be at their side, not coerced into being there for some lame reason. And that coercion might just have a negative impact on the ceremony, either outwardly or silently. Who the heck wants that kind of tension on your "special day"?

In the end, none of us can tell you what to do. The best thing you can do is consider all the potential risks and rewards for each choice (pro or con), and then be willing to accept any consequences of that decision.
- If you participate and make others happy, you'll probably be miserable and that may reflect into the event
- If you don't participate and make yourself happy, you'll possibly tarnish or even damage relationships for a long time (if not lifelong)

You gotta be you.
Pick a path and just accept the rest as it falls.
 
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Do you love your sister?
Do you want a good relationship with your sister for the probably MANY years left in your lives?
Find and get a suit that's a 98% match to their chosen monkey suit but is actually comfortable and fits.
Be thankful in the upcoming 53 happy and pleasant years of holidays you bit the bullet.
Good luck.
 
Well, you should not have agreed to it but that is in the past.
Talk to your sister, tell her how you feel and why. Ignore everyone else. Not to blame but you let it get to this point. You're even allowing others to make you feel pressured.
This is between you and your sister. No one else.
 
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Would "sorry I can't make it this time but maybe to the next one" be the wrong thing to say? :ROFLMAO:.

Family dynamics suck. My wife and FIL don't even speak to her brother, wife, kids due to all the drama his wife created. He might not even get a phone call when his dad passes in the future. No involvement for major events / holidays etc,

If you get along with your sister than I'd say do it for her and the opportunity to spend a couple hours with your parents and other family. That time won't always have the opportunity. I don't get along great with my sisters husband. Many different viewpoints and his selfish things. I go to dinners and other occasions for my sister and mom. My dad passed a couple years ago, the family pictures from all those occasions are great (though sometimes sad) memories. Seeing us all smiling even though we might have gone different directions 5 minutes later.
 
Uninvolved lens .... Seems a lot of YOU in what is your sister's big day. Sometimes you have to put the YOU aside for your family. Simplify this and answer the question can I put me aside for my sister's event? I'm not a fan of weddings, especially big ones but if the role was reversed I'd do what was asked without falter. It really isn't a lot being asked.
 
alarmguy said:
Well, you should not have agreed to it but that is in the past.
Talk to your sister, tel her how you feel and why. Ignore everyone else. Not to blame but you let it get to this point. You're even allowing others to make you feel pressured.
This is between you and your sister. No one else.
Click to expand...
I agree. The time to be firm and say No was back when this first came up; it would be a non-issue by now because they would have long since moved on to someone else.

At this point you'll need a good excuse. "There was a terrible flood! An earthquake.... Locusts!!"
 
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I was going to say suck it up - its not about you - until you got to the fact your groomsman number 6.

Tough spot.
 
I'm with you about not being involved in all that hoopla, but I'll also say that I suspect you need to grow up, grow a pair and tell your sister that you do not want to be in the wedding. You don't have to go into details, but tell her that you don't want all of that and if she insists, it will be a point of contention between you and her for most likely the rest of your lives; she won't think about it much but you will.

I don't know what it is about these freaking giant, pretentious weddings and all the fancy-smancy stuff that people dream up, but I can't stand it either. When my wife and I got married, we wanted it to be a great day for the people that showed up. We had an open bar, filet mignon cooked to your order, freshly made salad, fresh, homemade sides, desserts, cake, ice cream, etc. No stress for anyone except me and the wife. We managed the whole thing except for some help from a few of our friends.

A few of her friends traveled 9-10 hours and helped her do all the floral stuff. They ordered a ton of flowers direct, processed them all at the venue on Friday and built what would have probably been $10k in floral arrangements and decorations for about $500 in flowers and materials.

A few friends of mine managed the grill cooking steaks, salmon and chicken, helped setup and cleanup the chairs, tables, and managed garbage.

We spent about $5000 on our wedding, including venue rental (large house on a mountain bluff with 15 mile view), food, alcohol, drinks, decorations, tent, chairs, tables, and we gave out $1000 in gift cards to friends that helped pull this off, from the minister, DJ, bartenders, etc. This was 2009 and I suspect if we had done the same wedding and didn't lift a finger, we would have been looking at $50k or more.


BTW, I had people comment to me for YEARS after the wedding that they had the greatest time and it was the best steak they had ever had.

I've been to some fancy weddings.... I've never commented on how great it was or how great the food was to anyone.
 
Pretty complicated... If you feel that strongly, tell them no. You risk a regret down the line, but if it is a mental issue for you, then that is pretty important.
It's your call. Good luck.
 
One wedding (two college friends) they made three of the groomsmen basically introduce and seat people. Problem is, I didn't know hardly anyone attending! You want to talk about million miles from my comfort zone? I started seating folks, telling them how I know Jenny and Bob, etc. People were happy with that, another old college mate was thrust into the same situation as me, saw what I was doing, we built on that. Made us better friends, and I grew from that.
 
Not to be insensitive, but it's worse for the fat chick in the bride's party that has to wear a different dress/gown. I'm not fitting in a skinny fit suit, either.

It's an honor to be a groomsman. Your sister wants you to be part of the wedding. You might be the balancing groomsman, but still, you're the bride's sister; not some bloke off the street.
 
You caved . If you had stuck to your guns you wouldn't be in this situation . I understand your issue with social anxiety but it won't be as bad as you think . Man up and just get it over with .
 
So they need 6 groomsmen? Anyways, they aren't asking you to make a speech or anything? Sounds like a couple groomsmen won't show so you might end up being 1 of 4, you are just there for pictures, and maybe your future BIL will appreciate it?
So do it for your sister, have the number of expensive drinks that makes you happy, and have a good time.

At my cousins wedding his best man chickened out/missed his flight, and somehow I got promoted to best man, when his groomsmen didn't want to do it... I didn't really want to do it either, but bucked up and once we started actually going through with the ceremony and everything, it was fine. When I look at the pictures now everyone seemed to have been having a good time anyways which is the point.
 
Leo99 said:
Not to be insensitive, but it's worse for the fat chick in the bride's party that has to wear a different dress/gown. I'm not fitting in a skinny fit suit, either.

It's an honor to be a groomsman. Your sister wants you to be part of the wedding. You might be the balancing groomsman, but still, you're the bride's sister; not some bloke off the street.
Click to expand...
Twice I got to walk with the skinny Asian chick. Those were excellent weddings!
 
of course Arco has to butt in here ...

100 miles away, 200 attendees, 6 groomsmen and bridesmaids and likely many tens of thousands of pound expense for others to afford; Who again is the selfish one here?

This "My fairy tale Day" baloney has got to get kerbed as it has no basis in reality prefaced or epilogue

To @Bailes1992, A groomsman duties are not much of anything other than some usher duties; the rent a tux
shoppe should have a tailor associated with it to get you dapper.
Don't dwell on what you may fear, instead, dwell on what may be the good aspects of the event.

Cheers! - Ken the frugal Scot
 
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