Here is the deal, my fiance's mom is moving to New Zealand. She didn't apply for her visa when she needed to and now she has to wait an extra three months to move there. She lives in Massachusetts right now and doesn't want to send her 8 year old son to the public school there and doesn't want to pay for the private school again because she cant afford it. Bottom line is she wants to move in with us for the three months. I wouldn't mind, but I'm starting a new program for acupuncture school and need total concentration. Her mom is also very "lively" , to say it nicely, and so is her brother. I just told her that I don't think it's a good idea and she flipped out on me and told me I have no sense of family and drove off. Any suggestions?
Problems with the future (maybe) in-law (serious question)
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Another thing I'm worried about is that things change with her mom all of the time and there is a good chance she won't move to New Zealand and just stay in Scottsdale - the guest that never leaves. I'm worried about that although it may not happen.
Hmmm, that's a tough one. Sounds like maybe she gets into the role of victim or martyr?
What does your fiance have to say about all of this?
What does your fiance have to say about all of this?
The fiance feels like I have betrayed her and her family. She said she's moving out tonight.
Sorry to hear about the hassle. I think you did the right thing by stating a boundary and saying you did not want her to move in.
Sense of family?
Are you married?
Maybe this is a test.
(Not trying to be rude, and we should help each other - what his the mom contributing to the situation?)
Are you married?
Maybe this is a test.
(Not trying to be rude, and we should help each other - what his the mom contributing to the situation?)
You don't know it yet,but she did you a favor for moving out.
Move on and consider yourself
Very Lucky......
Move on and consider yourself
Very Lucky......
Don't be an enabler.
Your future MIL was irresponsible and now you're being asked to bail her out. Frankly, your fiance has put you in an untenable position. This is something she should have approached you with so you could rationally discuss it and reach an amicable solution -- calmly, rationally, and without ultimatums or temper-tantrums. Instead, it was thrown at you as some perverse test of your love and devotion to her and her family.
Be careful about the precedent you're about to set. My advice is to stand your ground.
If it were me, I'd sooner help pay for the kid's private schooling than let my MIL move in. You'd still be in the unfortunate position of "bailing her out," but at least you'd have your sanity.
Your future MIL was irresponsible and now you're being asked to bail her out. Frankly, your fiance has put you in an untenable position. This is something she should have approached you with so you could rationally discuss it and reach an amicable solution -- calmly, rationally, and without ultimatums or temper-tantrums. Instead, it was thrown at you as some perverse test of your love and devotion to her and her family.
Be careful about the precedent you're about to set. My advice is to stand your ground.
If it were me, I'd sooner help pay for the kid's private schooling than let my MIL move in. You'd still be in the unfortunate position of "bailing her out," but at least you'd have your sanity.
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I'll kinda side with W.T.M here.
First off, your fiance and you should have this all discussed before and "slam the door fit" event took place.
I would seriously take a look at the fusion of these two characters. If her relationship with you is forsaken for the relationship with her mother ..then you're doomed. The mother then only has to target you for any of her little anxieties ..and your fiance will tag team with her.
I would let her move out. This not a natural act ..but one that I really think that you should allow to occur without interference.
Seriously ...this could be nothing more than a semi childish temper tantrum ...but don't expect it to change with age. You can see that in the mother's behavior. If you give a dog a bone every time it rolls over ..it will roll over everytime it wants a bone. The later issues may not be so clear cut with the assignment of "family" or this or that. You may find arbitrary labels ..or merely "what's your point ..I'm going to throw a fit if I don't get my way" type behaviors.
So think very carefully here and try not to think in terms of what your losing ....look at what you're saving. Othes can drown you with their "issues".
[ June 19, 2005, 07:58 AM: Message edited by: Gary Allan ]
First off, your fiance and you should have this all discussed before and "slam the door fit" event took place.
I would seriously take a look at the fusion of these two characters. If her relationship with you is forsaken for the relationship with her mother ..then you're doomed. The mother then only has to target you for any of her little anxieties ..and your fiance will tag team with her.
I would let her move out. This not a natural act ..but one that I really think that you should allow to occur without interference.
Seriously ...this could be nothing more than a semi childish temper tantrum ...but don't expect it to change with age. You can see that in the mother's behavior. If you give a dog a bone every time it rolls over ..it will roll over everytime it wants a bone. The later issues may not be so clear cut with the assignment of "family" or this or that. You may find arbitrary labels ..or merely "what's your point ..I'm going to throw a fit if I don't get my way" type behaviors.
So think very carefully here and try not to think in terms of what your losing ....look at what you're saving. Othes can drown you with their "issues".
[ June 19, 2005, 07:58 AM: Message edited by: Gary Allan ]
Frankly, moving to New Zealand will mess with that 8 year old, and his education, more than a few months in one Massachusetts school or another. Besides, it's summer in the Northern Hemisphere! Three months from now is September. If they haven't moved the kid will just start school, get uprooted, and placed in the NZ school year... I don't even know if they vacation in the summer down there or when the new school year begins, but you get my point.
You were good to set a boundary. The mother sounds completely immature, bratty, and impatient. If you acquiesced who knows what drama will follow? She'll probably need a new Suburban because she never changed the oil in what she's driving now.... and need money from you because the dealership screwed up her credit rating, yadda yadda...
Do try and make amends with your fiancee... if she's 1/10 as bad as her Mom maybe you can turn things around. If she cares about you she'll work on a "balancing act" between you and her mom... lots of folks do these over the years. Obviously you see a lot in her and invested a lot of time and emotion... so don't let it slip away without a little struggle.
You were good to set a boundary. The mother sounds completely immature, bratty, and impatient. If you acquiesced who knows what drama will follow? She'll probably need a new Suburban because she never changed the oil in what she's driving now.... and need money from you because the dealership screwed up her credit rating, yadda yadda...
Do try and make amends with your fiancee... if she's 1/10 as bad as her Mom maybe you can turn things around. If she cares about you she'll work on a "balancing act" between you and her mom... lots of folks do these over the years. Obviously you see a lot in her and invested a lot of time and emotion... so don't let it slip away without a little struggle.
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Why would he want to change her? Most likely, this is a conditioned response and he can expect more of it from her.
That's fine when you're walking into a relationship that has challenges (divorced/split families and all the complications) ..it's different if you get suckerpunched by them. This is obviously some issue that he was either ignorant of ..or ignored for whatever reason.
For all we know they're just two young adults that hung out with each other and haven't bumped into the walls too much as far as conflict. This is a serious indicator of how her and her mother cope with conflict.
I would not make concession #1 in this situation. I believe that he's seeing a Twilight Zone version of the Gimore Girls and needs to filter out the current "under fire" campain that he's in and step back and seriously ask himself if he's got the mental and emotional buffers to resign himself to a potential lifetime of like behaviors.
Never enter, or continue, a relationship where you have to fight to break even.
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You say bothersome future family, I say volunteers.
Thanks for all of the advice guys. I'm going to sit on it and think about it until she comes back tonight. My parents seem to be split in their reaction. My dad thinks I'm better off with her out and my mom thinks other wise. We have been together for about 4 years and had our fair share of arguements, but none as bad as these. Thanks again guys and I'd be happy to get as much advice as possible.
There's a lot of good advice in this thread. Let me add mine to the pile:
Stay away from these people, they have problems and IT'S NOT WORTH IT.
Good advice from someone far my senior when I was browsing for a wife:
"She'll probably turn out much like her mother as she ages. Choose wisely."
Stay away from these people, they have problems and IT'S NOT WORTH IT.
Good advice from someone far my senior when I was browsing for a wife:
"She'll probably turn out much like her mother as she ages. Choose wisely."
It was unfair to place you on the spot as opposed to have a resoned discussion. Then to provide an ultimatum...let her play her side out (it IS a game) then see what you are left with.
If she's prepared to lose the relationship over something like this, then as a lot of the others have said, you are better off apart.
In the mean time, think of somne other strategies for housing the mother in law so that you are prepared for the discussion.
If she's prepared to lose the relationship over something like this, then as a lot of the others have said, you are better off apart.
In the mean time, think of somne other strategies for housing the mother in law so that you are prepared for the discussion.
No offense to Shannow's neighbors across the water, but who in their right mind just decides to pack up and go from Massachusetts to New Zealand? I mean, unless you've got some super job waiting for you. Numsayin'?
You are wise to be concerned about that.
I pretty much agree with the herd here, if your fianace is that one way about things, then you are better off without her. If you think she's bad now, wait until you are married and the honeymoon is over.
If she doesn't applogize to you and try to work out some other arangement to help her mother, then my advice is to cut your loses.
GeaugaFletcher's advise to consider her mothers behavior an indication of what you future wife will be like as she ages is about as good as it gets. Not perfect, but the best predictor there is.
Also, mothers-in-law and women in general don't mellow as they age. Not only will your wife tend to follow in her mothers footsteps, you will get frightening previews of yet more things to come as your MIL ages
I think that you did the right thing by setting your line and making it known. I tried to help out my mil when the wife and I first met, and what happened after that is that she thought she could walk all over and run my stuff. When we decided that enough was enough, it was that much more harder to head her off and the guilt trips are stronger. When you try to help people out like that and than change your mind and look like and a**hole, than you have to explain why you turned that way. I was lucky however that my wife was always on my side. WTM is correct also, if that is how your fiance feels, than you are lucky that she moved out. If she is taking up for her end of the family and cant see your point of view when it comes to them, than you are in for a very long road ahead.
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