More Texas jokes

[jmac]

... and don't let me catch any of you non-Texas heathens telling these yourself...



A woman from Texas and a woman from New York meet at a party. The woman from Texas said to the woman from New York, "Hi! Where y'all from?" The woman from New York replies, "Where I come from we don't end our sentences with prepositions." So, the woman from Texas says, "Fine! Where y'all from, [censored]?!"

A few minutes later, the woman from New York meets the woman from Texas' husband. She's steamed at the Texas broad, so she asks, in a very suggestive voice, "Is there anything I can do for you, handsome?" "Welllll," replies the Texan, "I sure could use a piece of [censored]." The woman from New York nods, takes the Texan into the bedroom, takes off all of her clothes, takes off all of his clothes, and engages in a hot session of mad passionate lovemaking with him. After they are done, she again says suggestively, "Now, handsome, is there anything else I can do for you?" "Well, ma'am," he replies, "I could still use that piece of [censored] for my drink."

 

[jmac]

Your speech was just wonderful. It was absolutely superfluous!" Congressman [Frank] Karsten, a little taken aback said, "Thank you. I guess I will have to have it published -- posthumously." Thereupon the lady answered, "That's fine. I hope it will be soon."

"Ain't nothin' in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos." - Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower

"And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?" - Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis to a group of handicapped people in wheelchairs

"Dallas salutes a person who can buy a piece of art, but not a person who can create one." - A. C. Greene

"No thanks, once was enough." - Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked if he had been born again

"Oh good. Now he'll be bi-ignorant." - Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower when told that Texas Governor Bill Clements had been studying Spanish

I'd just make a little bit of money, I wouldn't make a whole lot." - Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis defending himself against the charge that he would personally profit from a bill he had introduced.

"Well, there never was a Bible in the room." - Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked about repeatedly lying about the SMU football scandal.

"I am filled with humidity." - Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis

"If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drillin' rights on that man's head." - Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower discussing President George Bush's policies

"...idiots, imbeciles, aliens, the insane and women..." - Law standing in Texas until 1918 regulating who could not vote

"It's the sediment of the House that we adjourn." - Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton

"Let's do this in one foul sweep." - Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton

"This is unparalyzed in the state's history." - Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis

"I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session." - Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis

"We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger." - Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis

"There's a lot of uncertainty that's not clear in my mind." - Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis

"I can explain it for you, but I can't understand it for you." - Anon.

There are still places where people think that the function of the media is to provide information." - Don Rottenberg

If you want to hide something from Jack Gremillion, put it in a law book!" - Louisiana governor Earl Long putting the badmouth on his attorney general Jack P.F. Gremillion

That last one is from La., but heck half our cousins are in La. so it is a cousin state.

 

[Johnny]

That's not humor, it's the truth.

Is Jim Hightower still involved in Texas politics? The man use to crack me up with some of his witty sayings.

Oh, even though I live in WI, I qualify as a Texan since I was raised there and live there for 40 years.

 

[ZJohnson]

Thats some good stuff! I love Texas and can comment because Texas is the finest Colony us Tennesseeans ever formed!!!

 

[jmac]

Johnny and ZJohnson, truth and truth.

Jim Hightower retired from public service in 1991 according to Wiki, but he still does political commentary and is an editor for Texas Monthly magazine. I too have admired his comments over the years. BTW, the quote was in reference to Bush 41, though it could be used for either I think.

 

[TooManyWheels]

Molly Ivins used to be a hoot also!