Need advice from the boys. Girlfriend wants kids......

[javacontour]

Be honest.

If you don't want kids, be honest and say you don't want kids and how likely you are to change your mind.

If she does and you don't, it's not fair to her to give her any other impression.

I've forced the issue, as the best $100 co-pay I've ever spent was for the vasectomy. Of course my bride to be knew that going in and was on the same page with me.

If this is a deal breaker, the news doesn't get any better with age.

Be forthcoming ASAP.

Originally Posted By: ryan2022
Hi guys,

This is a left fielder and a bit personal.

I'm 39, and my wife to be is 33. I've been married previously for 14 years and am back on my feet.

We've been together for two years and shes amazing.

I'm tired...and dealt with fertility struggles in my previous marriage

At 39 my energy levels are fairly low due to occasional struggles with depression.

I love kids, and relate well to them but feel like this ship may have sailed.


She has a wonderful, very functional family with a couple of amazing nephews.

Saying no firmly may be the safest move given the above circumstances....but will most likely end things or leave her resentful.

Life is good right now. Challenging enough with a career change and helping out my folks.

I feel like I've answered my own question, but anyone have any Insight?

In addition....shes a family doctor, so money wouldn't be as much of a struggle. But money cant buy energy...peace and quiet...or a vasectomy reversal...oh wait...that it can.

Thoughts?

 

[Y_K]

Sorry for the irrelevant one: which Peterborough are you from, the original one in England? The one with a Starbucks next to the magnificent cathedral or some other one?

 

[userfriendly]

I have two, 36 and 39. In hindsight I should have used a condom.

 

[Jarlaxle]

Originally Posted By: ryan2022
Hi guys,

This is a left fielder and a bit personal.

I'm 39, and my wife to be is 33. I've been married previously for 14 years and am back on my feet.

We've been together for two years and shes amazing.

I'm tired...and dealt with fertility struggles in my previous marriage

At 39 my energy levels are fairly low due to occasional struggles with depression.

I love kids, and relate well to them but feel like this ship may have sailed.

She has a wonderful, very functional family with a couple of amazing nephews.

Saying no firmly may be the safest move given the above circumstances....but will most likely end things or leave her resentful.

Life is good right now. Challenging enough with a career change and helping out my folks.

I feel like I've answered my own question, but anyone have any Insight?

In addition....shes a family doctor, so money wouldn't be as much of a struggle. But money cant buy energy...peace and quiet...or a vasectomy reversal...oh wait...that it can.

Thoughts?


Run away as fast as you can. She feels you slipping away and this will get her hooks into you forever. Do not even CONSIDER relations with her without using a condom! DO not even consider using a condom that has been out of your sight in her presence under any circumstances. If she says you don't need one, she is LYING!

Seriously consider this: do you want to be raising a teenager at 55? Do you want to be dealing with a child going to college when you are 60?

 

[MCompact]

My wife and I were both 29 when we married, and we didn't have our only child until we were 37. The only really tiring period was the first 16 months; he only slept through the night once- all because insurance wouldn't pay for ear tubes until we had tried most every antibiotic. One week after the tubes went in he slept the night from then on.

One kid was perfect for us, our finances weren't terribly strained and I was able to avoid practical appliance/minivan purgatory. He was a pleasant and a low maintenance child. No real serious issues. I enjoyed going to his basketball and soccer games and we took more than a few "guy trips" to NCAA basketball and football games as well as F1, NASCAR, and HPDE events. We talk or text most every day as he now lives in NC. I'm flying down for the race in Charlotte in a few weeks.

One thing that helped a great deal was recalling my mother's parenting style. If I was ever at a loss at what to do, I'd ask myself "What would Mom do?" I'd then do the polar opposite and things worked out fine.

I don't regret having a kid, and I think having him later in life was a plus for my wife and I, but I would never let myself be pressured into a serious decision like that.

 

[kawie_guy]

I'm 39 as well. I have no idea what to tell you to do because everybody is different. But I do know that kids are a major step in a relationship, and if you're not into it, it's not going to get better just because she wants it.

I'm like you.....I am not crazy about having kids. I might be sitting around lonely when I'm 58, and wishing I'd had kids at 40, but on the other hand, I might be soooooo glad I didn't! I'm thinking since I value peace and quiet and freedom more than anything else in the world, kids aren't for me at this point. I think that ship has sailed......

 

[tomcat27]

If she has her heart set on having kids, it might be best to move on.

 

[billt460]

Throughout my life I have encountered far more marriages that have broken up over children, then were saved by having them. And often it's not the children themselves that cause this, but rather the financial strain they impose on the marriage itself. And there are a lot of women out there, (and I'm not insinuating yours is one), that have this false idea that children will somehow "solidify" a marriage. When in fact the opposite is almost always the case.

Just look at the percentage of children today who come from divorced homes. My wife and I never had any children by choice, and now that we're both retired we are very happy with our decision. Simply put, raising children is not for everyone. Even though many people seem to feel it's "your duty" in marriage to have them.

 

[Silk]

We never had children by choice either...but ended up with 4 of them.

Designing your life, I guess it's the mind set of the typical BITOG member, but I can't imagine doing it myself. Life happens, just do it, make mistakes, make some good decisions, look back with no regrets.

 

[kawie_guy]

Originally Posted By: billt460
Throughout my life I have encountered far more marriages that have broken up over children, then were saved by having them. And often it's not the children themselves that cause this, but rather the financial strain they impose on the marriage itself. And there are a lot of women out there, (and I'm not insinuating yours is one), that have this false idea that children will somehow "solidify" a marriage. When in fact the opposite is almost always the case.

Just look at the percentage of children today who come from divorced homes. My wife and I never had any children by choice, and now that we're both retired we are very happy with our decision. Simply put, raising children is not for everyone. Even though many people seem to feel it's "your duty" in marriage to have them.


Very well said. I agree 100%. Very much wisdom in this post.

 

[Schmoe]

I was 40 when my daughter was born, 2003. Fast forward to today, I'm 55 and she's 14, 2018. Keeping up with her and doing all the good parent/daddy things weren't so bad until about a year ago when teenage hit. OMG...I just don't have the patience for all the drama. I get worn out quicker but the what I've noticed the most is the generational mindset change. I'm constantly reminded that I'm rude, mean, etc. etc. Thought about it and realized that I'm NOT changing whom I am. I mean, I'm not weird or bad or anything, just have strong beliefs that there is a heaven, men should marry women, etc. etc. The mindset of her generation, and it's not just her it's ALL of them, are substantially different in ideology, expectations and pretty much hate Trump. We clash a lot on those subjects. Expect a lot of differences.

 

[MCompact]

Originally Posted By: Schmoe
I was 40 when my daughter was born, 2003. Fast forward to today, I'm 55 and she's 14, 2018. Keeping up with her and doing all the good parent/daddy things weren't so bad until about a year ago when teenage hit. OMG...I just don't have the patience for all the drama. I get worn out quicker but the what I've noticed the most is the generational mindset change. I'm constantly reminded that I'm rude, mean, etc. etc. Thought about it and realized that I'm NOT changing whom I am. I mean, I'm not weird or bad or anything, just have strong beliefs that there is a heaven, men should marry women, etc. etc. The mindset of her generation, and it's not just her it's ALL of them, are substantially different in ideology, expectations and pretty much hate Trump. We clash a lot on those subjects. Expect a lot of differences.


I think daughters are much higher maintenance than boys; my son is 23 and is actually more conservative than me- a few years ago he cancelled his subscription to Sports Illustrated when it first put Caitlyn Jenner on the cover.

 

[Al]

Originally Posted By: 555
Putting everyone else's desires aside, what do you want? Just you. Not because you want her happy so you'll have kids. What do you want? Don't do it if you don't want to.
That's a lot of pressure which is not what relationships are about(just my take).
Stick to what you want and you won't regret it.

Best advice so far. We were not born to be martyrs, or to make others happy. If you are happy with a relationship it has a better chance of succeeding. If you are not it is likely to fail. If having a child is not what you want but it is what she wants (knowing that you dont)..walk away. There is ALWAYS someone better out there for you....been there done that.

 

[Yah-Tah-Hey]

My first wife's last diatribe as she filed for divorce was to thank some deity that we didn't reproduce. Ah ha! We finally agree on something. If there is one thing the world doesn't need is another little Hosteen Jorje occupying time and space.

 

[Vuflanovsky]

Do what YOU really want to do and stand fast. At 40, making a decision otherwise will be much harder on you physically, emotionally, and financially when you're 50-60 years old than if you had kids in your 20s.

Then again, it's very easy for me to opine that no woman is worth 50% of my net worth and a compromised retirement.

 

[CincyDavid]

R-U-N!

As a man who has paid nearly $300k in child support after trying to prop up a failing marriage by cranking out kids, this is too big a thing to compromise on. My ex has convinced the kids that I'm a jerk so on top of the money outflow, I'm estranged from all of them.

If I knew at age 25 what I know at age 51, I'd be kidless, wondering what it would be like to have offspring.

My wife's young adult kids wear me out too, but that's a subject for another time...

 

[gregk24]

You need to have this conversation with her. Both of you need to be honest and up front. Also, children are a blessing and should be viewed as such.

 

[gregk24]

Originally Posted By: MCompact
Originally Posted By: Schmoe
I was 40 when my daughter was born, 2003. Fast forward to today, I'm 55 and she's 14, 2018. Keeping up with her and doing all the good parent/daddy things weren't so bad until about a year ago when teenage hit. OMG...I just don't have the patience for all the drama. I get worn out quicker but the what I've noticed the most is the generational mindset change. I'm constantly reminded that I'm rude, mean, etc. etc. Thought about it and realized that I'm NOT changing whom I am. I mean, I'm not weird or bad or anything, just have strong beliefs that there is a heaven, men should marry women, etc. etc. The mindset of her generation, and it's not just her it's ALL of them, are substantially different in ideology, expectations and pretty much hate Trump. We clash a lot on those subjects. Expect a lot of differences.


I think daughters are much higher maintenance than boys; my son is 23 and is actually more conservative than me- a few years ago he cancelled his subscription to Sports Illustrated when it first put Caitlyn Jenner on the cover.


Good for him, I wouldn't support that trash either.

 

[gregk24]

Originally Posted By: Schmoe
I was 40 when my daughter was born, 2003. Fast forward to today, I'm 55 and she's 14, 2018. Keeping up with her and doing all the good parent/daddy things weren't so bad until about a year ago when teenage hit. OMG...I just don't have the patience for all the drama. I get worn out quicker but the what I've noticed the most is the generational mindset change. I'm constantly reminded that I'm rude, mean, etc. etc. Thought about it and realized that I'm NOT changing whom I am. I mean, I'm not weird or bad or anything, just have strong beliefs that there is a heaven, men should marry women, etc. etc. The mindset of her generation, and it's not just her it's ALL of them, are substantially different in ideology, expectations and pretty much hate Trump. We clash a lot on those subjects. Expect a lot of differences.


It's not ALL of them, trust me. There are still those of us out there that know better.

 

[DoubleWasp]

Originally Posted By: MCompact
Originally Posted By: Schmoe
I was 40 when my daughter was born, 2003. Fast forward to today, I'm 55 and she's 14, 2018. Keeping up with her and doing all the good parent/daddy things weren't so bad until about a year ago when teenage hit. OMG...I just don't have the patience for all the drama. I get worn out quicker but the what I've noticed the most is the generational mindset change. I'm constantly reminded that I'm rude, mean, etc. etc. Thought about it and realized that I'm NOT changing whom I am. I mean, I'm not weird or bad or anything, just have strong beliefs that there is a heaven, men should marry women, etc. etc. The mindset of her generation, and it's not just her it's ALL of them, are substantially different in ideology, expectations and pretty much hate Trump. We clash a lot on those subjects. Expect a lot of differences.


I think daughters are much higher maintenance than boys; my son is 23 and is actually more conservative than me- a few years ago he cancelled his subscription to Sports Illustrated when it first put Caitlyn Jenner on the cover.


Can you blame him? I'd feel cheated too.