Need advice from the boys. Girlfriend wants kids......

[ryan2022]

Hi guys,

This is a left fielder and a bit personal.

I'm 39, and my wife to be is 33. I've been married previously for 14 years and am back on my feet.

We've been together for two years and shes amazing.

I'm tired...and dealt with fertility struggles in my previous marriage

At 39 my energy levels are fairly low due to occasional struggles with depression.

I love kids, and relate well to them but feel like this ship may have sailed.


She has a wonderful, very functional family with a couple of amazing nephews.

Saying no firmly may be the safest move given the above circumstances....but will most likely end things or leave her resentful.

Life is good right now. Challenging enough with a career change and helping out my folks.

I feel like I've answered my own question, but anyone have any Insight?

In addition....shes a family doctor, so money wouldn't be as much of a struggle. But money cant buy energy...peace and quiet...or a vasectomy reversal...oh wait...that it can.

Thoughts?

 

[funkymonkey1111]

If you don't want kids, certainly don't have them to save a relationship (which is not what you've said you'd want to do, but things change as the conflict develops). Life is hard enough without an indifferent parent.

You need to get a solid answer out of her on the resentment, because you don't want that crap simmering below the surface in perpetuity

 

[BMWTurboDzl]

#1: There's a high probability that she will resent you for not making enough $$ so that she can stay home and cut back on her practice.

#2: Within the next 15 years you have a high probability of having to contend with aging parents, while simultaneously save enough $$ for retirement. Throw kids/college in there and you're going to have a hellva time saving for retirement.


My father had a second set of kids at age 47-48. It really hurt from a financial perspective. Do that math on yourself. Say you have a child at age 41. You'll be in your early 60's when they're 15+ yrs old. Then you'll be in your early 70's when he/she has their first child with perhaps a wedding in between.

My two cents. Oh and I'm over 40, married, childless.

 

[dogememe]

Granted my situation is a little different because if I had a partner and if we wanted kids we'd have to adopt, but anyway, kids are stressful, time consuming, and expensive - for a minimum of 18 years!

If you don't think you have the energy or want to deal with kid(s) for the next 18+ years you just have to be honest with your girlfriend that you are not into kids and that's that. I'm all for compromise and making things work but this is a big one where compromise is likely to have a negative outcome for both the relationship and the kids.

 

[Drew99GT]

Oh boy.....

If she strongly wants kids, and you don't, that could be a complete deal breaker OR lead to bad outcomes in the future. Women who want kids are a force of nature (in a good way mind you, I think...) that can't be tamed. If they want kids, they'll have them, with you, or someone else.

Just sayin...

 

[bradepb]

It sounds like you do not want kids,don't talk yourself into it. At 39 you would be at least 40 before any child came along.

That makes you at least 58 before they would finish High school, 63 or 64 before finishing college.

I had three children and am 61 now and my youngest is 26. I cant imagine having a teenager at my age,this is my time.

 

[StevieC]

Have an honest conversation with her but stick to how you feel. Not following how you feel will only end poorly.

 

[OVERKILL]

This Peterborough in the UK or Ontario? You don't have to answer that if you don't want to.

I had my kids in my early 20's. I am close to your age and definitely wouldn't want to be starting that now. My sister, who is 1.5 years younger, just had her second in the last couple of years and I am seeing how much more challenging it is in that age bracket than when one is in their 20's with a lot more energy. I do think you've answered your own question, but I think you owe it to both of you to sit down and discuss this in earnest. Maybe she's not as committed to the idea as you think she is, maybe she didn't realize how uncomfortable with the idea you were. It needs to be talked out.

 

[Speak2Mountain]

First of all, you're not gonna win either way. If you've got a winner for a wife then please please on this. Kids are a blessing and they might give you your 2nd wind in life.
Energy levels----> hit the gym and take testosterone enhancers...perk up the love life too.

You gotta come off as the good guy or you'll be hated...give in have the reversal and then....fun time

 

[Mr Nice]

Have kids and enjoy your life.

 

[raytseng]

kids is like one of the things you decide by date #3 of a long term relationship. This should be something you figure out quickly as it can be a dealbreaker.

As far as "money cant buy" sure money can't solve everything, but people say babies are the one situation where you can buy happiness by allowing you to hire help and night nannies and so on so you can sleep.

As far as your comment on getting older and tiredness and depression, that also is where money can potentially help. Have you spent say $5000 or $10000 on mental health therapy as well as physical checkups for blood chemistry etc? This is a good chunk of cash, but it is a small amount when you compare how you are describing how it is affecting your life and future. If you could pay $10k and not feel tired or depressed would you do it? If you could pay 10k and not lose your gf /fiance would you do it?

If you haven't taken this step or investment, you haven't really investigated or worked towards solving what you are claiming is your problem.

If your issue is you don't like babies or kids that's a separate issue for you to figure out different from excuse that you like them but you are tired and so on.

 

[ARB1977]

Originally Posted By: ryan2022
At 39 my energy levels are fairly low due to occasional struggles with depression.

Have you ever had your testosterone levels checked? Low T can bring on signs of depression. I know a buddy who suffered from depression. He was on medication. Come to find out his testosterone was extremely low.

 

[Andrew1972]

Did something change since you were married, or did you two forget the part about having kids in future related to the marriage?

 

[azjake]

Originally Posted By: ARB1977
Originally Posted By: ryan2022
At 39 my energy levels are fairly low due to occasional struggles with depression.

Have you ever had your testosterone levels checked? Low T can bring on signs of depression. I know a buddy who suffered from depression. He was on medication. Come to find out his testosterone was extremely low.

This. 39 is way too young to have low energy levels. Do whatever necessary to get this addressed. Once addressed your attitude on having kids may change.

 

[pbm]

It sounds like one way or another somebody in the relationship is not going to be happy....that's not good...

 

[ARB1977]

Originally Posted By: azjake
This. 39 is way too young to have low energy levels. Do whatever necessary to get this addressed. Once addressed your attitude on having kids may change.

I’m 40 and was tired all the time and my attitude sometimes sucked. My wife and I would argue because of it. No depression thank god. I have low T. Started taking testosterone injections six months ago. Night and day difference over all.

 

[02SE]

If you don't want kids, and have them to appease your future wife, you will never be happy, and neither will she or the kids. Having kids should be one of those things that you are both fully committed to.

I had typed up a bunch of examples of people that had kids, to appease their spouse, mostly with a poor outcome for all. Suffice it to say that the importance of both parents being fully committed to having and raising kids, can't be overstated.

 

[supton]

Originally Posted By: ARB1977
I’m 40 and was tired all the time and my attitude sometimes sucked. My wife and I would argue because of it. No depression thank god. I have low T. Started taking testosterone injections six months ago. Night and day difference over all.

How does that work, like a shot every week or once a month or __? I've noticed a slow down over the last year or so, very noticeable to me. The last month I could blame stress but the last year, no so much. Almost to hit 42. So I'm curious. I've been thinking it's time for my mid-life crisis, but maybe it's something else. I've lost a great deal of motivation and drive.

[And for the record, I'm not going to march to my doc's to demand anything. But I do have a physical coming up in spring, so it'd be a good time to discuss.]

 

[StevieC]

Supton, I have the problem as well and use the Gel. I apply it every morning on either my shoulders or across my stomach. You can also get shots periodically. I think it's monthly. I can't remember what my doctor said. I chose the gel because I do too much travel for work the shots would be inconvenient.

 

[Al]

Yes you have answered your own question. Certainly can't know all the particulars. But putting myself into your situation , I would come up with the same answer the safe answer. Life is unpredictable I (myself) would be looking for simpler/safer not more complicated. I am 72.

Good luck.