Need advice from the boys. Girlfriend wants kids......

[Cujet]

When I turned 50, I realized that I had made a mistake not having children. I've missed out on what is probably the best part of life. If I could go back in time, I'd have 3 kids starting at age 28.

As a young man, I never wanted children. I wanted to enjoy my life, enjoy my job and to keep my money. I kept thinking I'd do or buy something, take an awesome vacation, get the time to do what I wanted, etc.

What actually happened:

1) My boss recognized I did not need to be home for kids. So he used me weekends, nights, overseas, all the time, non stop. The excuses were endless. You don't have to bring kids to little league this weekend,,,, You don't need to get a babysitter,,,, You can work tonight, as your wife will see you another day. Doin a great job, here's a raise.

2) I ended up spending every waking hour at work. A waste of my time.

3) I ended up with good pay, a nice house and some nice commuter cars over the years.

4) I'm a little older and ill, have very little energy and can't use the proceeds from all my hard work for the things I really like. It's too late. I'm too wobbly to ride motorcyles (I love off road riding) , I can't bicycle anymore, I can't even hike, I can't swim anymore (nearly drowned) and I certainly can't drive (or build) race cars anymore. I'm just too tired.

5) I have no kids. Everything I've done was a waste, amounted to nothing and benefits nobody that I love.

I'd give every penny to have my health back, and to have kids. I'd even gladly pay a bitter ex wife the aforementioned $300K in child support if necessary. I now know that money is worthless. What matters is family and friends.

 

[Cujet]

Originally Posted By: ryan2022
I'm just struggling finding real excitement in having them. At this point, it feels irresponsible.


Hogwash on the irresponsible part. The rest of the world raises good kids in near abject poverty. Heck, I grew up poor and hungry, turned out fine. They won't starve, and they won't want for the basics. Everything else is a luxury.

Ask any new father and you'll get a nearly universal response. "Best thing ever". These are not stupid men either, they get the awesomeness of fatherhood. Do you really want to miss out on the "best thing ever" ?

 

[Jarlaxle]

Yes...they say that because they feel that they have to. Nobody will admit they hate their kids.

 

[gregk24]

Originally Posted By: Jarlaxle
Yes...they say that because they feel that they have to. Nobody will admit they hate their kids.


Wow, what a sad sad statement. I truly hope you don't feel this way, if you do please do not have kids, or any more if you do already!

 

[Jarlaxle]

I despise children and started saving for a vasectomy at 15. I would prefer suicide to fatherhood.

 

[spasm3]

Originally Posted By: Jarlaxle
I despise children and started saving for a vasectomy at 15. I would prefer suicide to fatherhood.



Does everything with you have to be negative? Anything positive?

 

[Jarlaxle]

Not that I recall.

 

[gman2304]

Originally Posted By: Jarlaxle
I despise children and started saving for a vasectomy at 15. I would prefer suicide to fatherhood.
. Good decision. I shudder to think what the fruit of your loins might have produced!

 

[Doc8404]

Originally Posted By: Jarlaxle
Yes...they say that because they feel that they have to. Nobody will admit they hate their kids.


Curmudgeon

 

[Jarlaxle]

Originally Posted By: gman2304
Originally Posted By: Jarlaxle
I despise children and started saving for a vasectomy at 15. I would prefer suicide to fatherhood.
. Good decision. I shudder to think what the fruit of your loins might have produced!


Not nearly as much as I do. I am the FIRST to say the best thing I could do for a child would be to take out a big life insurance policy and step in front of a train.

 

[Mr Nice]

Jarlaxle,

What happens when you get old and sick and you're by yourself ?

 

[555]

Hey! Let's stay focused here. Maybe some direction of deductive reasoning for the O.P.?
How did some decide to have a kid and others didn't?
You know, help the guy figure out what to do.
If in doubt, do without. Having a child is something you should feel innately. That feeling cannot be forced.
How old are your parents and her parents? Do they live close enough to help? Having family and friends to help is a huge advantage.

 

[wrcsixeight]

A female Doctor wanting kids, at least has the brainpower to hopefully override the modern feminist man hating zeitgeist, and instead at least be able to consider employing logic, and should have the income to support kids.

I never wanted kids but left the door open to perhaps change my mind.

Never met a woman who would/could make me change my mind, and now that ship has sailed. No way in Heck would I, at 46, decide to A, subject myself to a modern woman's ridiculous demands ideals or expectations , or B, support a Kid.

I think the kids of today will have to deal with a pretty ugly overcrowded world by adulthood, and are being woefully unprepared for what they will have to deal with.

Welcome to plant earth and the USA.

You owe the government 50K$$

No wonder they cry so much.

 

[joaks]

Just wanted to throw my 2 cents in here, although I will be repeating what many others have said.

Yes, treat depression before making any major life choices. Your energy should not drop until you are much older so be sure to take care of your health.

For kids... We do not have kids either, although my wife wants them *sometimes.* I feel pretty confident I will not regret having them when I am older but the major reasons we do not have is because of time and money. We each work 65+ hours per week and live in an expensive part of the country so need to be frugal. Not much time or money left over for children.

Interestingly, when I first started dating my (now) wife I posted a similar question here! It got locked and maybe deleted because someone broke the rules but there was a surprising percentage of guys who said they wouldn't do it (parenthood) again. I think it is a good idea to ask around for opinions. Putting the question as "would you do it again?" can allow people to be honest without feeling guilty for saying that maybe they did not make the best choice for them.

In my opinion, you should not have children to keep you company in your old age. I worked in a nursing home before and not everyone gets regular visits. Heck, I rarely see my own parents just because I live far away and have the time/money issue mentioned above.

 

[Jarlaxle]

Originally Posted By: Mr Nice
Jarlaxle,

What happens when you get old and sick and you're by yourself?


I'm not by myself.

 

[Dallas69]

I think he's talking about live human contact

 

[Smokescreen]

Originally Posted By: Jarlaxle
I despise children and started saving for a vasectomy at 15. I would prefer suicide to fatherhood.


Thank you for not procreating.

So many dead beat dads out there, moms who use kids as bartering chips for money and services, so much contention regarding children and corresponding pain and sorrow for children out there whose parents neglect them when the parents realize they didn't have what it took to be good ones.

If you don't want kids, don't have them....but if you do want them, do it right and give parenting all the efforts needed.

 

[Jarlaxle]

Originally Posted By: Dallas69
I think he's talking about live human contact


You mean like my wife?

 

[Mr Nice]

I'm talking about if you wife is gone and you are 80 years old and nobody to visit you in hospital when you are sick ?

 

[PandaBear]

So here is the thing:

1) You are depressed, you need to get that treated or managed before making irreversible decision like having a kid.

2) Your GF wants kid, and she can afford one (a doctor).

3) You can relate to kids, but are scared of having one at 40.

I think you and GF need to sit down and have a good talk, present a few scenarios and see what you both want:

a) You get married and have kids, she can afford it and you guys will be stable afterward
b) You break up so she can have kids with someone else, you find someone who doesn't want kids (with you at least)
c) What if she die after having kids, who will take care of him or her, without the MD income? Financially or physically
d) Are you two committed to raising the kid till, 26 these days, because of low starting salary or student debts or what not.
e) Will you or her bail on each other because child raising didn't work out (that happens a lot actually)

You probably already know your preference, you just need to know how serious she is about the kid and whether she wants to have him/her with YOU. Tell her you are not perfect and don't expect you to be perfect after childbirth and mother instinct kicks in. That's a discussion you need to have with her early on. Make sure she doesn't complain that you are not "good enough" "for the kid" afterward.