I must admit raising to the level of physical violence is of course somewhat common in certain castes, but at a funeral is quite gauche. I was really only there for ocean breeze
Not Wanting To Be Involved In Siblings Wedding
- Thread starter Bailes1992
- Start date
You seem to have had a good time, though.
I was an usher at a friend's wedding. Maybe that is the same as a "groomsman"
I was matched up with a brides maid, a friend of the bride. At the reception, she had much to much to drink, and I had to take her outside where she passed out cold.
It was an unexpected turn to the wedding, pretty funny to me, and has made for a good story ever since.
I was matched up with a brides maid, a friend of the bride. At the reception, she had much to much to drink, and I had to take her outside where she passed out cold.
It was an unexpected turn to the wedding, pretty funny to me, and has made for a good story ever since.
Just get it over with. Write it off write them off move on. Stress & aggravation number one killer.
Going grossly off-topic here but there is peripheral relevance. The last funeral I had to go to I had to drive the lead car in the procession behind the hearse. I won't be doing that again because when the hearse got going the driver backed up harshly into my car. I thought the coffin might pop out of the hearse but it didn't. I had to follow the hearse from SF all the way to Colma, the City of the Dead. It was a Chinese funeral with about 400 people showing up and they were a rowdy bunch. I had to participate in the church rituals and light and place incense into a bowl by the departed and do a curtsy. I had to shake hands with the whole bereft family. I was the only white person there. "Who's he?" I kept hearing more than once while the backhoe was digging a hole in front of the mostly alive crowd. I kid you not. And the feast was authentic Chinese-Chinese food and I don't do well gnawing on chicken feet and intestines. From now I'll be attending funerals only for close family and good friends. I did get 50 bucks for good luck in a red envelope which is a Chinese custom but I will never get those 6 hours back. Weddings as a spectator are okay. I do like the drinks but I am no longer allowed to hit on or even check out the bridesmaids, am I?
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Civilized folks gave you a tip.
I prefer secular gatherings.
And a piece of candy! It makes death taste so much sweeter.
There is only one clear solution here, get hammered drunk and make a scene. Maybe even pick a fight or mess up your speech/toast. If you’re going to go through this much agony, you might as well go all in.
Sweet!
Winning. This should have been 1st response and close thread
Or he could start celebrating the day before and get so hammered as to be utterly incapable of attending. "Sorry sis, in sickbay with alcohol poisoning."
If this is stressing you out this much I highly recommend you see a doctor to deal with this anxiety it's not healthy. This is such small potatoes how are you going to deal with the big potato.
Much of this has been covered, I'm going to throw my opinion in in case someone is "counting".
You expressed perfectly valid reasons for not wanting to do it, some more valid than others, but you're trying to apply logic and practicality to matters of family and heart which can be illogical and impractical.
First clarify the expectations of you, I've been a groomsman a number of times not once have i been asked to give a long winded speech or toast, that's the best mans job. The most strenuous thing ive had to do is hook arms with some chick ive never seen before and will probably never see again and walk out behind the lucky couple.
The reason there needs to be 6 grooms men is because you sister has 6 bridesmaids and it needs to be even. when said strangers walk out behind the lucky couple.
You're thinking about this all wrong, you don't need to know anything about the guy, all you need to know is that he presumably makes your sister happy since she agreed to marry him. You're doing nothing for him, you're doing it for her, he could be Donald Duck or Ronald McDonald, it doesn't matter.
There is no "might" or "probably" to it, if you don't do this it will forever impact you're relationship with you sister, even if she tries not to let it.
In short, endure the hours or days of misery if that's what it is (try to make the best of it), for your sister.
You expressed perfectly valid reasons for not wanting to do it, some more valid than others, but you're trying to apply logic and practicality to matters of family and heart which can be illogical and impractical.
First clarify the expectations of you, I've been a groomsman a number of times not once have i been asked to give a long winded speech or toast, that's the best mans job. The most strenuous thing ive had to do is hook arms with some chick ive never seen before and will probably never see again and walk out behind the lucky couple.
The reason there needs to be 6 grooms men is because you sister has 6 bridesmaids and it needs to be even. when said strangers walk out behind the lucky couple.
You're thinking about this all wrong, you don't need to know anything about the guy, all you need to know is that he presumably makes your sister happy since she agreed to marry him. You're doing nothing for him, you're doing it for her, he could be Donald Duck or Ronald McDonald, it doesn't matter.
There is no "might" or "probably" to it, if you don't do this it will forever impact you're relationship with you sister, even if she tries not to let it.
In short, endure the hours or days of misery if that's what it is (try to make the best of it), for your sister.
Have you ever considered that your future BIL is extending the hand of friendship to you?
This is not all about you.
In your place, I'd suck it up and do the right thing.
You do need to deal with you anxieties and getting out there and finding it not so bad might be a good way to do that.
This is not all about you.
In your place, I'd suck it up and do the right thing.
You do need to deal with you anxieties and getting out there and finding it not so bad might be a good way to do that.
I'm going to start with some questions.
1. Are you at odds with your sister or family for other reasons? Abuse ,narcissism , they enable others self destructive behavior?
2. Do you have a severe social phobia?
If the answer to question 1 is a yes. I get it, you should remove toxic people from your life and move on. I'd support not being involved with toxic, controlling abusing people, esp if they are family.
If question 1 is a no. Then you are otherwise a normal member of your family, and you should support family events, weddings, funerals, celebrations etc.
If the answer to 2. is yes or maybe, that is something you need to work on. The world is a social place.
My son had a severe social phobia as a young child, to the point he was mute around everyone but family.
We got him NON-MEDICATED therapy from a child physiologist. It included us modifying our parenting style to not reinforce or make his phobia worse. He was quite successful in dealing with this, to the point that as an adult he is quite comfortable with groups, and even enjoys public speaking.
If your entire reason for not wanting to do this is your social discomfort. I would be very clear about that, tell them, i am extremely uncomfortable in front of groups of people and its a phobia for me.
If they understand why, and they care about you, they hopefully will not pressure you.
But you need to do your part to get better. There is no reason to avoid any and all groups of people especially family, due to a phobia.
The phobia won't get better , in all reality it may get worse. Don't become a Agoraphobic recluse.
If its just a control thing for you, then you need to suck it up and support your sister on her big day, be glad she does not want you to be left out.
You need to make your decision and stand with it. Don't say "I don't want to" , then go get measured for a suit,( and be angry after getting fitted) that sends mixed signals. Stand on your feet firmly, be able to articulate why and be done. ( If its not family, you don't have to articulate reasons or anything).
If your are going to be a member of your family, support them, or give them an honest reason as mentioned above, so you don't just look like a jerk.
Either you are a member of your family, or you are not ( and maybe you are not for valid reasons).
Straddling a fence gets you a sore crotch. You have to pick a side.
1. Are you at odds with your sister or family for other reasons? Abuse ,narcissism , they enable others self destructive behavior?
2. Do you have a severe social phobia?
If the answer to question 1 is a yes. I get it, you should remove toxic people from your life and move on. I'd support not being involved with toxic, controlling abusing people, esp if they are family.
If question 1 is a no. Then you are otherwise a normal member of your family, and you should support family events, weddings, funerals, celebrations etc.
If the answer to 2. is yes or maybe, that is something you need to work on. The world is a social place.
My son had a severe social phobia as a young child, to the point he was mute around everyone but family.
We got him NON-MEDICATED therapy from a child physiologist. It included us modifying our parenting style to not reinforce or make his phobia worse. He was quite successful in dealing with this, to the point that as an adult he is quite comfortable with groups, and even enjoys public speaking.
If your entire reason for not wanting to do this is your social discomfort. I would be very clear about that, tell them, i am extremely uncomfortable in front of groups of people and its a phobia for me.
If they understand why, and they care about you, they hopefully will not pressure you.
But you need to do your part to get better. There is no reason to avoid any and all groups of people especially family, due to a phobia.
The phobia won't get better , in all reality it may get worse. Don't become a Agoraphobic recluse.
If its just a control thing for you, then you need to suck it up and support your sister on her big day, be glad she does not want you to be left out.
You need to make your decision and stand with it. Don't say "I don't want to" , then go get measured for a suit,( and be angry after getting fitted) that sends mixed signals. Stand on your feet firmly, be able to articulate why and be done. ( If its not family, you don't have to articulate reasons or anything).
If your are going to be a member of your family, support them, or give them an honest reason as mentioned above, so you don't just look like a jerk.
Either you are a member of your family, or you are not ( and maybe you are not for valid reasons).
Straddling a fence gets you a sore crotch. You have to pick a side.
Do you know something about the OP that we don't??
I just recently went through something similar. We were simply invited to the wedding initially, until one of the groomsmen dropped out and they asked me (well… asked my wife to ask me) to step in pretty last minute.
I wanted absolutely no part of it. I hate crowds, I hate people staring at me, I want nothing more than to blend into the background (at 6’2” 295lbs riddled with anxiety and built like a brick outhouse that’s not possible but I try anyway). But I did it anyway, it took all of ~20 minutes and then I was free to go hide with my oldest son outside on the tailgate of my truck, it honestly wasn’t that bad and it didn’t create any rifts between various people.
I wanted absolutely no part of it. I hate crowds, I hate people staring at me, I want nothing more than to blend into the background (at 6’2” 295lbs riddled with anxiety and built like a brick outhouse that’s not possible but I try anyway). But I did it anyway, it took all of ~20 minutes and then I was free to go hide with my oldest son outside on the tailgate of my truck, it honestly wasn’t that bad and it didn’t create any rifts between various people.
That'quite a stretch there. Just because someone doesn't want to do something they don't necessarily need therapy.
They asked the boss? Well, you had no choice.
Also true! I really have no right to fight against her, she birthed my 4 sons
