Had an affair.....
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Rat,
Yes you screwed up big time but sounds like your wife has some major problems.
Check out this site and click on "Traits". It lists 100 traits of PD (personality diorders). Just in case that is it. The site is to help other people deal with someone elses PD.
www.outofthefog.net
Yes you screwed up big time but sounds like your wife has some major problems.
Check out this site and click on "Traits". It lists 100 traits of PD (personality diorders). Just in case that is it. The site is to help other people deal with someone elses PD.
www.outofthefog.net
Originally Posted By: callbay
Yes you screwed up big time but sounds like your wife has some major problems.
Agreed. 15 months and she still locks herself in a room? not good
Yes you screwed up big time but sounds like your wife has some major problems.
Agreed. 15 months and she still locks herself in a room? not good
Yikes. You didn't think of the consequences of your sins ?
How old are you ?
Are you the father of all 6 kids ?
Are you the father of all 6 kids ?
Actions have consequences my friend. What you did caused huge trust issues that may never be able to be repaired. Man up....you did it, now accept the result. I'm not speaking to you as though I am perfect....I have been in your shoes. Sometimes best to just say fine, I did it and this is the result. Then move on if your wife wants a divorce.
Originally Posted By: andrewg
Actions have consequences my friend. What you did caused huge trust issues that may never be able to be repaired. Man up....you did it, now accept the result. I'm not speaking to you as though I am perfect....I have been in your shoes. Sometimes best to just say fine, I did it and this is the result. Then move on if your wife wants a divorce.
She has been very clear that she doesn't want a divorce. What she does want is for me to somehow feel her pain, but without her having a revenge affair. She likes to hold it over my head that she has had chances to cheat on me but loved me enough to not do it.
Actions have consequences my friend. What you did caused huge trust issues that may never be able to be repaired. Man up....you did it, now accept the result. I'm not speaking to you as though I am perfect....I have been in your shoes. Sometimes best to just say fine, I did it and this is the result. Then move on if your wife wants a divorce.
She has been very clear that she doesn't want a divorce. What she does want is for me to somehow feel her pain, but without her having a revenge affair. She likes to hold it over my head that she has had chances to cheat on me but loved me enough to not do it.
You betrayed her in the most intimate possible way. If she is having trouble coping well sorry bud but emotionally you cut her heart out.
As far as jumping through hoops that has to end. She has to confront the demons in hear heart right now and focus on expressing the pain she feels so its out there and longer trapped inside of her.
That's a serious dirtbag move on your part. You can cheat with any stray out there,you betrayed her with her friend,which just cuts deeper.
At this point she obviously can't face it herself,you guys need a professional. A counsellor will help her focus on moving forward,instead of her staring at you being reminded of how you threw her under the bus.
I guarantee she is internalizing the pain,trying to figure out what she did wrong to push you away. Girls are funny like that.
Guys cheat from the neck down,women from the neck up. She is racking her brain trying to rationalize what you did but the truth is for guys it's just a release in a strange piece.
Seek counselling is the only place to go from here.
And good on you for manning up. I know it isn't easy,but its worth it.
As far as jumping through hoops that has to end. She has to confront the demons in hear heart right now and focus on expressing the pain she feels so its out there and longer trapped inside of her.
That's a serious dirtbag move on your part. You can cheat with any stray out there,you betrayed her with her friend,which just cuts deeper.
At this point she obviously can't face it herself,you guys need a professional. A counsellor will help her focus on moving forward,instead of her staring at you being reminded of how you threw her under the bus.
I guarantee she is internalizing the pain,trying to figure out what she did wrong to push you away. Girls are funny like that.
Guys cheat from the neck down,women from the neck up. She is racking her brain trying to rationalize what you did but the truth is for guys it's just a release in a strange piece.
Seek counselling is the only place to go from here.
And good on you for manning up. I know it isn't easy,but its worth it.
Here's an idea: consider moving to a different house in a different part of town. A change of scenery can help to foster the notion of a fresh start.
If that is not possible, consider making some meaningful changes to the interior of your house. Maybe replace your bedroom set and/or the furniture used by the other woman, or anything else that might remind your wife of what occurred.
Is this a bit extreme? Yes. But your situation may require some kind of permanent change in order to break these destructive patterns. Something new, to start anew. Your willingness to make such changes might carry a reassuring message about your sincerity. Maybe.
Be VERY careful of making any kind of "helpful" suggestions to your wife -- these could be perceived as criticisms that reveal how you "really" think of her, and thus fuel her feelings of inadequacy.
If that is not possible, consider making some meaningful changes to the interior of your house. Maybe replace your bedroom set and/or the furniture used by the other woman, or anything else that might remind your wife of what occurred.
Is this a bit extreme? Yes. But your situation may require some kind of permanent change in order to break these destructive patterns. Something new, to start anew. Your willingness to make such changes might carry a reassuring message about your sincerity. Maybe.
Be VERY careful of making any kind of "helpful" suggestions to your wife -- these could be perceived as criticisms that reveal how you "really" think of her, and thus fuel her feelings of inadequacy.
How old are the kids? If they are all relatively young then divorce would be very difficult on them especially they are yours, hers, ours kind of deal.
However moving away from the house also would be difficult for them since now the burden to take care of all 6 of them are solely on your wife.
If financially possible, I say hire someone that could help out with the kids at home, and as someone to talk to by your wife. Make sure it is someone older so you will have no possible reason to have any affair with her.
However moving away from the house also would be difficult for them since now the burden to take care of all 6 of them are solely on your wife.
If financially possible, I say hire someone that could help out with the kids at home, and as someone to talk to by your wife. Make sure it is someone older so you will have no possible reason to have any affair with her.
JHZR2
Staff member
Good on her to try and keep the family together despite your stupidity. I think any guy would be lying if they werent attracted to someone that wasnt their wife at least a little at some point.
But to act upon it is another issue. Im sure it happens a LOT, people have endless urges, look at how every other website is porn. But it is just so sad that it happens.
I just hope that your wife doesnt use this as an excuse for infidelity on her part - two wrongs dont make a right.
But she has every right to be extremely hurt and not trusting.
I think you should focus on a LOT of counseling, and doing everything to keep your kids in a healthy, functional home. Not only can your actions, but her actions teach them some very bad, wrong lessons. Yours have already so you have a lot of work to do.
But I wish you and your family all the best.
But to act upon it is another issue. Im sure it happens a LOT, people have endless urges, look at how every other website is porn. But it is just so sad that it happens.
I just hope that your wife doesnt use this as an excuse for infidelity on her part - two wrongs dont make a right.
But she has every right to be extremely hurt and not trusting.
I think you should focus on a LOT of counseling, and doing everything to keep your kids in a healthy, functional home. Not only can your actions, but her actions teach them some very bad, wrong lessons. Yours have already so you have a lot of work to do.
But I wish you and your family all the best.
I think you (and we here) should stop beating yourself up. Everybody makes mistakes and while this is a big one, you are doing all you know to do. And that is the problem. To quote a friend of mine, you are like "A monkey working a math problem."
Lets take a look-
First, 6 kids? Its a fair bet you, as a couple, haven't had or made much time for the relationship for a good while. Her role in the family probably took her into the motherhood thing in ways men can't even understand. And that role probably took her away from you and your needs too. So when this opportunity came up, well... and that is an important part - you didn't go looking.
So what has she taken on as her role and where do/did you fit in? Are you a cornerstone or a support person? Remember,not your opinion but hers. Is she an insecure person? I bet so. Maybe we should take a look at her viewpoint? The unthinkable has happened (and with someone she called friend) can she trust her judgments? What can she do to recover herself with you desperate to talk and resolve this situation? How can she do much of anything? Except lock herself up and hide. And we shouldn't forget any hormone changes, like pre-menopause. They can really make things difficult for her and you.
Seems to me she probably wants you out but can't financially afford for you to leave. Loose the house, etc. So I'm thinking you should be the man and move out. Give her a chance to recover herself a bit. And tell her what you are doing by giving her space to recover. Obviously you will keep supporting her and the kids, giving her time to decide what she needs. Continue to try to get her counseling. You should start immediately working with a therapist to show you are suffering too.
This is going to take a while, and if you are serious she will see you are doing what it takes. Sadly, it might not be enough. The issue is hers to decide and obviously she might decide to break up. Hopefully she will see your pain from being without her and the kids and maybe she will see it for what it is - a mistake. Not the betrayal as she takes it. You never intended that, did you?
Its a roll of the dice. However, I'm betting you were willing to do what it took to get her in the first place, and now you are going to have to show determination to get her back. If she is a blamer, be prepared to take the blame for everything that is wrong in her world.
Can the relationship survive? Again, its up to her. The good news? To quote Spock from Star Trek, "...when you eliminate the impossible, whatever left, however unlikely, is possible."
It's going to take years of work and I'm betting you can and will do it.
Good luck!
Lets take a look-
First, 6 kids? Its a fair bet you, as a couple, haven't had or made much time for the relationship for a good while. Her role in the family probably took her into the motherhood thing in ways men can't even understand. And that role probably took her away from you and your needs too. So when this opportunity came up, well... and that is an important part - you didn't go looking.
So what has she taken on as her role and where do/did you fit in? Are you a cornerstone or a support person? Remember,not your opinion but hers. Is she an insecure person? I bet so. Maybe we should take a look at her viewpoint? The unthinkable has happened (and with someone she called friend) can she trust her judgments? What can she do to recover herself with you desperate to talk and resolve this situation? How can she do much of anything? Except lock herself up and hide. And we shouldn't forget any hormone changes, like pre-menopause. They can really make things difficult for her and you.
Seems to me she probably wants you out but can't financially afford for you to leave. Loose the house, etc. So I'm thinking you should be the man and move out. Give her a chance to recover herself a bit. And tell her what you are doing by giving her space to recover. Obviously you will keep supporting her and the kids, giving her time to decide what she needs. Continue to try to get her counseling. You should start immediately working with a therapist to show you are suffering too.
This is going to take a while, and if you are serious she will see you are doing what it takes. Sadly, it might not be enough. The issue is hers to decide and obviously she might decide to break up. Hopefully she will see your pain from being without her and the kids and maybe she will see it for what it is - a mistake. Not the betrayal as she takes it. You never intended that, did you?
Its a roll of the dice. However, I'm betting you were willing to do what it took to get her in the first place, and now you are going to have to show determination to get her back. If she is a blamer, be prepared to take the blame for everything that is wrong in her world.
Can the relationship survive? Again, its up to her. The good news? To quote Spock from Star Trek, "...when you eliminate the impossible, whatever left, however unlikely, is possible."
It's going to take years of work and I'm betting you can and will do it.
Good luck!
Do the kids know what happened ?
Originally Posted By: david_ES2
Im surprised she didnt pack up , take the kids and leave.
Just the fact that there's 6 kids would make me not want to leave, either.
The OP should feel lucky that he didn't knock up the babysitter.
BC.
Im surprised she didnt pack up , take the kids and leave.
Just the fact that there's 6 kids would make me not want to leave, either.
The OP should feel lucky that he didn't knock up the babysitter.
BC.
Women will beat you over the head for a very long time when you have an affair. Some will never be able to forgive or allow you to be close ever again. That's just the way it is. You should have thought of that when you were messing around. I know you aren't stupid. You knew this could happen....but while you were getting off, you pushed away any rational thought from your mind. Big mistake, right? Well, now you are paying big time and may pay for a very long time. But while she certainly has a right to be highly upset and crushed (by you), if in a few months time (with counsel) she is unable to forgive and move forward with your relationship....then you must be able to accept what you did and move on yourself. No sense in heaping too much guilt on yourself after that point. But since you aren't to that point yet, just give her space, don't bug her in any way nor grovel like a dog. Ask her if she wants you to move out for a while.
Good luck.
Good luck.
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