Elder neglect and serious questions

[K-Man]

This story is bad, but it also raises a few questions:

80-year-old woman charged for neglect of 81-year-old Alzheimer's patient

The deceased woman had six children and thirty grandchildren. Uh, where were they? The 80-year-old could probably barely take care of herself, let alone someone in the kind of state the other woman was in. In my book the caregiver was no villain.

This is part of a pattern I've seen over the years, and it's become rather tiresome. Out of a large number of family members who could help, only one or two (or in this case none) will play the role of caretaker to an elderly parent or grandparent. My mother had to take care of her father in the 1970s, even though the man had seven other surviving children. None of them lifted a finger to help or contributed anything financially, but I'll tell you what: when he died, they came out of the woodwork wanting "their" share of the estate. (Granddad had a big surprise waiting for them in his will. He left everything to his wife, my grandmother.)

The other pattern I've seen too much of is to dump Mom or Grandma in a nursing home and then sue if anything happens to her there. If the parent or grandparent had really been worth the millions demanded in a typical abuse/neglect lawsuit against a nursing home to the family, they would have taken care of her themselves, I'd think.

I am preparing to leave work after 10 years in corrections, a job I like a lot, to take care of my mother and stepfather. Both have problems, and duty calls. He had five kids of his own, but they have nothing to do with him (long story, not his fault, his first wife poisoned the relationships) and I'm sure they won't help.

But it seems to me that we need to force people to help their sick, elderly parents in some fashion, at least financially, just as we cracked down on deadbeat parents. There would have to be common-sense exceptions, as in cases of parental abuse and neglect and so forth. But far too many people weasel out of helping when they could and by rights should help. Perhaps laws concerning wills and people who die intestate (without a will) should be revised to favor giving most or all of the estate to the caregiver and those who helped financially. This might be what it takes to get more to do the right thing. Then again . . .

 

[Shannow]

We've seen that WRT sick and dying parents, and siblings who could not give a toss as long as they get to see the football on Saturday etc, and my partner having to be the sole emotional support for her father when her Mum died.

I still love the concept of the extended family (which we have lost as part of the modern world), where childcare is provided by loving grandparents, rather than uncaring employeesl, grandparents are looked after by loving children and grandchildren.

And it's a problem that no market in the world will fix, it needs people.

 

[Gary Allan]

We had the great fortune of having my mother live with us until her last month of life. We owned a bigger house (two unit). Long story short, we couldn't have been happier. Sure we had our minor discussions about this and that where we didn't agree on stuff ..but it was nothing compared to the comfort we both got out of the arrangement. When we had to work long hours ..my mother was there for the kids when they were younger. Managed the pickups and drop offs when we were tied up ..cooked..etc. Later, when she needed care, it was not like our life was turned inside out to do it. She was an integrated part of the whole scheme of things.

My aunt on my mother's side took care of my dad's dad. My grandparents on my mother's side died much earlier. They had 4 out of the 7 living at home yet to share the work.

You used to share the costs of that stuff depending on how far you were removed from the relative in need. Lots has changed since then. We don't have 35 cousins and 12 aunts and uncles per side of the family anymore. The 2.8 child household has sorta made that a more rare arrangement.

An adminstrator at the institution that my wife works at now once said "Too much youth is wasted on the young." He was right. We've been conditioned to work our lives for the benefit of our children and they do the exact same thing. That's not how it works in some traditional households. The tribute is always paid to the parents. They retain a leadership role until their death ..at least in terms of respect. This appears to be reserved for foreigners these days.

[ August 05, 2006, 03:05 AM: Message edited by: Gary Allan ]

 

[eljefino]

I think our society is, perhaps, uncomfortable with having one's grown children changing their adult diapers during their latter years. They'd prefer an anonymous CNA come in and do it, to save some embarrasment. As the elderly vote the most and generally run things around here, it's become a "benefit" they feel entitled to. Long term care insurance used to be offered and is now operating in the red b/c everybody "needs" a nurse/assitant to stop in twice a day. Some of the patients need specialized care to be sure but lots is just dispensing meds, cooking, getting them dressed. The family could handle that if they were close.

The young 'uns should be around emotionally and to help drive their parents to the store etc. If they don't necessarily want to do the "dirty work" or need to share the work with a CNA on workdays for scheduling reasons that's totally understandable. The big question is "who moves" and it's hard for the parents to give up their homestead even if a smaller one-story handicapped accessible condo would be more prudent. My grandparents made the move while they were still able and it's been a blessing even as they miss their old place.

Regrettably zoning laws make it hard in a lot of places to install an "inlaw apartment" with a seperate kitchen... the kitchen really makes it a second living space. Sure have the parents over for Sunday dinner but if they want to be quasi-independent midweek let 'em.

 

[Gary Allan]

My mother knew the writing was on the wall when they sent her from the hospital on her last ER/ICU/CCU event to a nursing home instead of upstairs to the rehab wing. A nursing home can be a pretty sad place. We wanted to take her home, but the nursing staff talked us out of it citing the 24hr care that she needed. I think that they just didn't want us to experience her death at home...and somehow blame ourselves for it

 

[Drew99GT]

You ain't kidding Gary on how sad a nursing home can be. On the other hand, the people who work there are truely a blessing and it gives me hope for humanity that people are willing to work in that kind of environment. I guess we lucked out and my grams ended up in a good facility, cause many of them are downright dangerous for the occupants.

Most people think of nursing facilities as being strictly for the elderly but having been in them for a while in dealing with my grandmother, I'd say a quarter of the occupants were young to middle aged and ended up there from auto accidents, falls etc. that left them permanently disabled. Man, to end up in a place like that with full cognitive ability but nothing going on from the neck down. And most of the time I think my life sucks...

 

[Gary Allan]

Yep, there's a great many who would swap places with any of us ..no matter how pathetic we think that our current situation may be.

 

[Zee1]

depends what culture you are from also, for example whites will typically throw their parents in a convalescent home whereas hispanics & asians will keep them at home and take care of them - depends on your priorities, some folks just 'can't be bothered' with elderly/sick family members.

 

[Shannow]

Zee,
I watched a doco on sick kids and recovery a while ago.

They were indicating that white kids often had poorer outcomes in serious injury/cancer etc, than some other cultures, and nurses were indicating (anecdotally at least), that the white kids were more often left alone in hospital for 20-22 out of every 24 hours, while other cultures nearly sleep in the kid's room.

I've not seen statistics, so it's still anecdotal.

 

[Drew99GT]

We moved my grand mother into a house a half block from our house. She still had her independence but we were within a 2 minute sprint if need be. Unfortunately Alzheimer's took over and she simply had to go to a retirement home, then a nursing home, and she passed away at 99 in March.

 

[Drew99GT]

Zee, to some extent I agree but not ever situation where an elderly person goes to a nursing or retirement facility is because their family doesn't care. The retirement facility my grandmother went to initially was strictly for Alzheimer's patients, but she degraded so bad in 6 months that a long term care facility was the only way she could live. We would have had to hire someone full time or care for her full time and it simply wouldn't work. Caring for someone who doesn't even know their name is tough. When someone is that gone, you have to do EVERYTHING. It is a 24/7/365 job. My mother kept her in her house a block away for about 10 years; made her dinner EVERY night etc.

 

[Gary Allan]

Zee, I would also add that many other cultures cannot afford for all of their old to be in skilled nursing facilities. Hence many of alternative cultures just have their parents die at home. It's kinda hard to do otherwise when you have a culture that hasn't fully industrialized and developed a mass number of nursing facilities for any other outcome to occur. We had this at one time. Most poor had 6-7 children. It's what you did. They took care of you when you got old.

I do agree that we're way too whipped up in our own lives to (typically) devote unlimited care of our parents ..but then again, we're of the 2.8 child typical household ...not 4-8. Our expensive nation almost mandates a two paycheck household. Most Indians and Bangalese (Bangladeshi according to them) have two paycheck households in the USA. Now they do manage to send $$$ home to the parents out of cultural obligation.

 

[K-Man]

No quarrel here with people who are really unable to care for an elder and must find a nursing home. My beef is with those who want to have their cake and eat it too, as in the lawsuit scenario mentioned, or have someone of questionable abilities caring for their supposed loved one, as with the news story link. The unanswered questions in that story are the one I asked, where were the deceased woman's six children?, and just how did an 80-year-old woman come to take care of another woman of about the same age with Alzheimer's?

 

[rjundi]

Generalization: One of the weakest points of US culture as a whole is the indifference of elder care by family individuals and government.

 

[Gary Allan]

quote:

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Originally posted by rjundi:
Generalization: One of the weakest points of US culture as a whole is the indifference of elder care by family individuals and government.

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Coming soon to a 3rd world nation near you when they achieve modern status and can afford not to breed like bacteria.

That is, this assumption of cultural nobility is merely supported by a culture where the standard is there because it is required. It's very simple. Once those requirements are moved into atrophy out of lack of need ..they will not be the adorable characteristics that they are now. They will be "traditional" things that are unneeded ...until they are needed again.

That is, realize where this "pride" comes from. It's a little hard to boast of your hard labors when you're using stone knives and bear skins. That is, it's a little hard to do otherwise.