dealing with despair

[Master ACiD]

man i went through that too. i feel bad just thinking about how bad it was for me. in some ways i dont think i ever fully got over that girl, and its been close to a decade.
its hard to think about moving on, or even what you are going to do tomorrow. just remember that you will get over her even if it doesnt seem like it right now. yes everything sucks right now.
also try not to think about what she might be doing or who she might be with. just dont think about that stuff. it makes things worse believe me.

last bit of advise, the easiest way to get over a woman is to get under a different one if you know what i mean its hard to do but if you can manage it you will feel better quicker.

 

[oilyriser]

gftow.

Even just meeting new people helps with the loneliness. And you get to hear new stories, and learn from other's experience.

 

[SecondMonkey]

Maybe you should see your doctor if you feel it's bad enough. In the last year or so I've lost my girlfriend, my brother, my best friend, and my dog. As such I have been a VERY unhappy person and extremely depressed. I thought very long and hard about shooting myself. Then I went to the doctor, and after a few different medications Cymbalta has made a HUGE difference in my unhappiness. Without it I don't think I'd be here right now.

 

[Camu Mahubah]

Go for a long walk in the woods...take a dog...Chant..."I'm free! Free at last!"...over and over in your head...have a cold beer outside in the cold night air...have two...or three...let all your pain vanish into the ether...don't call her...don't call her...don't call her...plan for that vacation you've always wanted...Travel...meet women...but remember you are finally free...you don't need to be tied down just yet...Time heals all things...I quarantee once you get to Mexico and start dancing with some long-legged senorita...your troubles will fade away...don't call her...Living Well is The Best Revenge....

...and remember were here for ya Bro!...Everthings gonna be alright!...

Yes it burns...for a while...

but it'll all fade in time...Aye there be plenty of life's adventures waiting

 

[MrCritical]

I'm gonna get killed on this one but here goes.

This is a tough old world. "For better or worse" actually means till something better comes along, or I just get tired of you.

There has always got to be something bigger than your relationship with a gf/bf, or wife. For a Christian, it's got to be ----. For a nonbeliever, you can't put him/her in a position to destroy you if they have enough and walk out one day. You've got to love yourself more than any one else. I don't mean that in a selfish way, but you can't let someone put you in a position to destroy yourself if they walk out that door. You may not survive it. And they walk out, for whatever reason, all the time.

It may not have even happened to you yet but don't kid yourself. Statistically, it's coming. There are so many things you don't know about the person you know better than any one else in the world. They have baggage you may not have seen, even after 20 years. And the lock on the American Tourister can break at any time.

They were raped as a child, had a drug problem, robbed a bank. They were driving drunk and killed their best friend. Their ex beat them, they poisioned their pet. The best of us have the worst of secrets sometimes. After all, there was a reason they were available when you met them, eh?

Life has beaten us all to a pulp at one time or another. Get back up and get into the ring again. It's very possible that with time, something or someone better will walk right into your life. They may be right around the corner right now.

 

[Brett Miller]

MrCritical is right. Staying active in Church really helped me get over her.

 

[rjundi]

My best advice after my partner of 8 years basically packed up and moved is to figure out how to enjoy time alone. Things tend to work out. Don't let people tell you bad things about your previous partner its not helpful.

I fell into another relationship after 6 months that has yielded a compassionate and understanding wife along with 2 girls(3 weeks & 22months). Things do look up

good luck

 

[Lonnie]

It also might be a positive thing that you girl friend left you instead of a wife.

Love is sometimes something that finds you and if that's true you have to get out in the world and become a target instead of being the shooter. A friend started a relations ship with a woman and a dog from the shelter in the same year. The girl friend left a year later and he still has the dog. That next spring the dog helped him attract the girl of his dreams and they have been married for 5 years now. He was fooled by the first woman but the dog was not. The dog approved the second woman and the three are as happy together as can be. Moral, get some help from a dog.

 

[JHZR2]

Been there, done that. Not the same, but it sucks, and that is all that you can really say.

The biggest key, as others have said, is to have something to focus your time and efforts on. The reality is that this was not a spur of the moment decision. Either you saw it coming, or you didnt, and neither way makes it any better, but try to learn from it.

Use this time to strengthen your relationships with other friends. Use it to better yourself. Pablo said exercise, and Id agree... work on your health, itll also release good endorphins which will lift your mood.

All the time that you are working on yourself and trying to enjoy life with friends, try to gain some self-confidence and faith in yourself. Its tough to keep when lying in bed late at night, but you need to stay tough and strong.

I agree with Al to go and talk and speak your mind to this person once and for all. Likely a communication problem caused the issue in the first place. Speak your mind, and without expecting anything to change, try to learn from it, see if she will communicate how these issues started, why they came to fruition, and why tey werent discussed before. Youll both learn something.

After repeating a learning cycle, and gaining confidence, surity, and a strong sense of importance in yourself, youll be better able to have a success down the road. it took me a lot of tries and many depressed nights.

Good luck,

JMH

 

[K-Man]

Aldaris, you can work through this with a little time. I wish you the best, as I was in your shoes many years ago.

This could have been a lot worse—namely, if you had been married to her, and even worse, if you had had a child with her. Every day, I hear and read about women who file for no-fault divorce using the excuse "I'm bored," "I don't feel fulfilled," "I just don't want to be married any more," etc. Of course, the present legal situation enables her to take half of hubby's resources in divorce to help relieve her boredom. That doesn't even consider child support. Today, going in, some women openly (to friends) refer to their first marriage as just a "starter marriage"—and hubby-to-be isn't necessarily aware that she's thinking this all along. He finds out when she decides she's bored.

That probably isn't what you wanted to hear, but I'm saying you might actually have dodged a bullet. By the way, I disagree with Al's advice to see her one last time, as she could then try to say you're stalking her and get you in trouble.

 

[Chris142]

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The one very last thing I will add though is you should make one last visit to see her and very unemotionally tell her how you feel..yadda, yadda, yadda.

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I wouldn't do this. She will see you as a wimp. If you 2 see each other before she splits tell her that you enjoyed her company but do NOT get all mushy!

Don't say things like "I will always love you". Make her think that you already have another date even if you don't.

If she calls and says she wants to see you tell her you have plans that night and make plans with her for another day.

And block her from your buddy list. If she checks her mail and see's you online she will think your at home sulking over her which gives her the upper hand.

If she does not see you online she will think that your out and possibly with another girl which will tear her up inside.

Don't answer your phone if she calls! Let it ring. You can call her back the next day or later that day. Tell her that you didn't answer because you were "busy".

It's none of her business what you were doing when she called anyway.

 

[Chris142]

Oh and another thing. If you can park your car in your garage when your home. She will think your out enjoying yourself. If you don't have a garage or it's too full of ---- to get a car in ask a neighbor to park his car in your driveway next to yours. Or atleast in the street infront of your house.

If it's a BMW or Mercedes this is even better. She will think you have a female friend over and she has money!

 

[ITSMR2U]

Advice I got years ago from a counselor - don't get so screwed up that your job is in danger. Losing your livelihood can put you over the edge. Get into new hobbies, do something you've always wanted to do that won't remind you of your pain. You've left the diving board, now start swimming!

 

[doitmyself]

Lots of excellent advice here: support from friends, family, and BITOGs.....maybe lean on your spiritual crutch of your preference, diet and exercise.

But, kind words from others can only go so far. If possible, please consider a few visits with a good counselor. They are trained to help in these situations and will keep you going in the right direction to recovery.

 

[ThirdeYe]

I just went through your exact situation last summer, it was the hardest thing in the world for me and i'm still trying to cope. I have a new girlfriend now and while it helps, it still hurts. If you ever find anything that works, please share

I try to get my mind off of things by monkeying with my car and taking care of my car to the best of my ability, play video games, etc. It's really tough, I know how it goes

 

[Rob Taggs]

It will take time. You will get over the whole thing. The right lady is out there, you will find her. She is just waiting for a guy like you.

 

[drivewaytech]

There are probably very few if any guys here that have not gone through what you are experiencing. Oh yeah, been there myself. Happened when I was 20 years old and we had been dating for over 4 years. Put me into a massive depression, but I got through it and made me a stronger man. I have not thought of her for years and really don't care to now. I have a beautiful wife and 2 great girls. Every man tackles this in his own way as you will find your own way. My only advice that I can remember that I used was to think of the bad times (there had to be few) you had together when you thought to yourself "if I wasn't tied down to her I would..." Then go out and do it, her, whatever. Since we dated through most of our highschool years, I kind of left my buddies behind. I hunted them down and caught up on old times. Those years brought forth alot of growing pains and wild experiences that eventully brought me to G 0 D. He found the perfect woman for me. All the best to ya dude...cause the best has yet to come!!!

 

[Vilan]

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Oh and another thing. If you can park your car in your garage when your home. She will think your out enjoying yourself. If you don't have a garage or it's too full of ---- to get a car in ask a neighbor to park his car in your driveway next to yours. Or atleast in the street infront of your house.

If it's a BMW or Mercedes this is even better. She will think you have a female friend over and she has money!

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I dunno about this one. Don't jump on the phone if she happens to call, sure, but playing mind games like this is just being petty IMHO. And if she's snooping around his place seeing who's over, she has issues anyway. Just get on with life.

 

[Merkava_4]

Whenever I'm feeling a little blue, I'll go flag down the Snap-on truck and get my tool fix; it's more fun and cheaper than hiring a psychiatrist.

 

[JHZR2]

Quote:

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Quote:

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The one very last thing I will add though is you should make one last visit to see her and very unemotionally tell her how you feel..yadda, yadda, yadda.

---

I wouldn't do this. She will see you as a wimp. If you 2 see each other before she splits tell her that you enjoyed her company but do NOT get all mushy!

Don't say things like "I will always love you". Make her think that you already have another date even if you don't.

If she calls and says she wants to see you tell her you have plans that night and make plans with her for another day.

And block her from your buddy list. If she checks her mail and see's you online she will think your at home sulking over her which gives her the upper hand.

If she does not see you online she will think that your out and possibly with another girl which will tear her up inside.

Don't answer your phone if she calls! Let it ring. You can call her back the next day or later that day. Tell her that you didn't answer because you were "busy".

It's none of her business what you were doing when she called anyway.

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I agree mostly with your suggestions of ways to essentially make him seem unavailable, unhooked, not needy of her, etc. THis may have been the problem to start.

However, that said, I do think it is smart to unemotionally, in a quick and friendly manner, discuss what went wrong so that something can be learned. Without maximizing what we learn about what went wrong, we have to iterate many more times to learn all the tricks.

A good friend told me 2 weeks ago that he and his GF of 3 years broke up... or were just about broke up. He and she had to think long and hard about the relationship, and after about a week, they met up to discuss what went wrong, as a learning experience. THey seem to have come to the realization that they were not saying what needed to be said in the here and now, but rather kept the slight issues cooped up until they turned into big ones. With going into that meeting to end it once and for all, and learn from their mistakes, they found that they just were both not approaching the relationship correctly, and they fixed it. So far, so good.

So learn from it... Whether it means that youll revive your relationship (dont count on it) or youll just be smarter, something will be gained. The key is to maximize what you get out of the lousy situation.

JMH