Bummed about long-Time friend divorcing
- Thread starter 97prizm
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Triple_Se7en
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Originally Posted by 97prizm
Hi all,
It's 2 am and can't sleep. A really good friend of mine who I've known for 23 plus years ( we met in high school math class) texts me late and says he and his wife are splitting up after 13 years of marriage. I'm still friends with the guy but it blows my mind that two individuals can't figured something out. I hate change to some extent and always figured two people could figure out their differences. Their 6 year old is very smart and has a sense of humor which is weird and funny. Anyone else deal with this? I'm a very practical individual i.e.you have a problem you solve it, there is no giving up. Maybe that's why I'm 37 and am not married, which is a little frustrating. All suggestions appreciated and welcome.
You haven't solved why you aren't married. So don't be the judge of others, in means-of-marriage.
Help your high school buddy as a listener. But not as a counselor, unless he suddenly asks for advice. He never asked for your help, prior to the divorce paper-filings. Some need to figure out the present and future, all by themselves. So don't meddle and that's how two long-time friends increase to lifetime friends. Let the troubled-side come forward first. Otherwise, don't butt-in.
Hi all,
It's 2 am and can't sleep. A really good friend of mine who I've known for 23 plus years ( we met in high school math class) texts me late and says he and his wife are splitting up after 13 years of marriage. I'm still friends with the guy but it blows my mind that two individuals can't figured something out. I hate change to some extent and always figured two people could figure out their differences. Their 6 year old is very smart and has a sense of humor which is weird and funny. Anyone else deal with this? I'm a very practical individual i.e.you have a problem you solve it, there is no giving up. Maybe that's why I'm 37 and am not married, which is a little frustrating. All suggestions appreciated and welcome.
You haven't solved why you aren't married. So don't be the judge of others, in means-of-marriage.
Help your high school buddy as a listener. But not as a counselor, unless he suddenly asks for advice. He never asked for your help, prior to the divorce paper-filings. Some need to figure out the present and future, all by themselves. So don't meddle and that's how two long-time friends increase to lifetime friends. Let the troubled-side come forward first. Otherwise, don't butt-in.
Hey listen, I've been married >40 yrs and have the best marriage on the planet, Thank GOD!
However, it's ain't all roses every single frikken day. It's just the way it is. We've made it work but, that doesn't mean that everyone can. Marriage is a lifetime commitment or don't do it!
However, it's ain't all roses every single frikken day. It's just the way it is. We've made it work but, that doesn't mean that everyone can. Marriage is a lifetime commitment or don't do it!
He texted you, so he trusts you.
Giving advice is a lose-lose situation.
Stop judging them; just be a friend.
Life is funny; there are no guarantees.
Giving advice is a lose-lose situation.
Stop judging them; just be a friend.
Life is funny; there are no guarantees.
My BIL and SIL were our best friends for 35 years. Our children were best friends with each other. We took vacations together. We got together several times a month. We did everything together. Always great times.
But they divorced after 45 years. It blew up the entire relationship with everyone. The only person we continue to see is my wife's sister. I doubt I'll ever see my BIL or one of my nieces ever again. The divorce was financial and relationship armageddon for their entire family.
Very unfortunate,
Scott
But they divorced after 45 years. It blew up the entire relationship with everyone. The only person we continue to see is my wife's sister. I doubt I'll ever see my BIL or one of my nieces ever again. The divorce was financial and relationship armageddon for their entire family.
Very unfortunate,
Scott
As my late (1994) mother used to tell me as a boy: "Whatever you do, don't get married 'til you're over thirty."
Good advice. Paid no attention. Had some miserable years. Gave my kids the same advice, they paid no attention either. Giving same advice to my grand kids, quoting my mom. We'll see.....
Good advice. Paid no attention. Had some miserable years. Gave my kids the same advice, they paid no attention either. Giving same advice to my grand kids, quoting my mom. We'll see.....
JHZR2
Staff member
I can't imagine. But I have a great marriage with no signs of strife, and great kids. And both our parents are also still married.
I try to put myself in your shoes - if a close friend asked to talk or discuss. Im not sure Id have the right answers.
NOT trying to be a jerk, but I think you will have fewer answers. Just due to an "experience" basis. It is what it is - nature of situations.
So what you can do is be supportive. Be there. Listen. All the good things told you. Dont pretend to be an expert on things youre not, or provide opinion on marriage situations youve not been exposed to. Just be truthful, honest, understanding, and present.
Sad to hear of this happening, especially for the kids.
I try to put myself in your shoes - if a close friend asked to talk or discuss. Im not sure Id have the right answers.
NOT trying to be a jerk, but I think you will have fewer answers. Just due to an "experience" basis. It is what it is - nature of situations.
So what you can do is be supportive. Be there. Listen. All the good things told you. Dont pretend to be an expert on things youre not, or provide opinion on marriage situations youve not been exposed to. Just be truthful, honest, understanding, and present.
Sad to hear of this happening, especially for the kids.
I have two good friends who are in very unhappy marriages. They have suffered for 26 years and should have divorced years ago. Sometimes divorce is the right thing to do.
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You've been given a lot of good advice.
- Listen, don't advise
- Don't take sides. Frankly, don't say much at all. Even if she's "obviously" the one in the wrong.
- Focus on something so it doesn't eat at you. Ponder it during the day, but find a healthy way to prevent it from keeping you up at night. You have zero control over what others do. You cannot be your best self for others if you are not getting adequate rest and so on.
- Some problems cannot be solved. That doesn't mean give up on everything. However, it also doesn't mean taking on problems that are not yours. Your friend's divorce isn't really your problem to own. You can be a good friend, but don't adopt his issues. Be a friend, not a counselor, a problem solver or relationship medic for him and his family.
If you read the story of Job in the Bible, Job's friends were at their best when they just stayed with Job and mourned the losses with him. Once they ventured beyond that and started looking for reasons (the blame game) they were no longer helpful. Even if you do not follow any faith tradition, the story holds up regardless. Being there for your friends is the way to go.
Originally Posted by 97prizm
Hi all,
It's 2 am and can't sleep. A really good friend of mine who I've known for 23 plus years ( we met in high school math class) texts me late and says he and his wife are splitting up after 13 years of marriage. I'm still friends with the guy but it blows my mind that two individuals can't figured something out. I hate change to some extent and always figured two people could figure out their differences. Their 6 year old is very smart and has a sense of humor which is weird and funny. Anyone else deal with this? I'm a very practical individual i.e.you have a problem you solve it, there is no giving up. Maybe that's why I'm 37 and am not married, which is a little frustrating. All suggestions appreciated and welcome.
- Listen, don't advise
- Don't take sides. Frankly, don't say much at all. Even if she's "obviously" the one in the wrong.
- Focus on something so it doesn't eat at you. Ponder it during the day, but find a healthy way to prevent it from keeping you up at night. You have zero control over what others do. You cannot be your best self for others if you are not getting adequate rest and so on.
- Some problems cannot be solved. That doesn't mean give up on everything. However, it also doesn't mean taking on problems that are not yours. Your friend's divorce isn't really your problem to own. You can be a good friend, but don't adopt his issues. Be a friend, not a counselor, a problem solver or relationship medic for him and his family.
If you read the story of Job in the Bible, Job's friends were at their best when they just stayed with Job and mourned the losses with him. Once they ventured beyond that and started looking for reasons (the blame game) they were no longer helpful. Even if you do not follow any faith tradition, the story holds up regardless. Being there for your friends is the way to go.
Originally Posted by 97prizm
Hi all,
It's 2 am and can't sleep. A really good friend of mine who I've known for 23 plus years ( we met in high school math class) texts me late and says he and his wife are splitting up after 13 years of marriage. I'm still friends with the guy but it blows my mind that two individuals can't figured something out. I hate change to some extent and always figured two people could figure out their differences. Their 6 year old is very smart and has a sense of humor which is weird and funny. Anyone else deal with this? I'm a very practical individual i.e.you have a problem you solve it, there is no giving up. Maybe that's why I'm 37 and am not married, which is a little frustrating. All suggestions appreciated and welcome.
That's admirable that you're concerned, but all you can do is be a listening ear and be neutral. Don't try to fix things or take sides.
My first marriage didn't work out because we didn't realize just how different we were living apart. She was the country mouse, I was the city mouse. i also think she was a little too independent.
Current wife's first marriage didn't work out because she recognized there was a problem, but he didn't think he had any problems and rejected the idea of counseling. I recognized my first marriage had a problem, and my ex wouldn't even consider counseling. Fortunately, we both learned that marriage takes work, it takes compromise, it might not always be smooth sailing, but having gone through it once before we're in it for the long haul. We've agreed we're not jumping ship at the first sign of trouble, but since we've been able to resolve the few disagreements we've had, we're satisfied that we can resolve our disagreements. If we have a major one, then we'll consider counseling. Been together 6 years now, and celebrating 3 years of marriage next month.
My first marriage didn't work out because we didn't realize just how different we were living apart. She was the country mouse, I was the city mouse. i also think she was a little too independent.
Current wife's first marriage didn't work out because she recognized there was a problem, but he didn't think he had any problems and rejected the idea of counseling. I recognized my first marriage had a problem, and my ex wouldn't even consider counseling. Fortunately, we both learned that marriage takes work, it takes compromise, it might not always be smooth sailing, but having gone through it once before we're in it for the long haul. We've agreed we're not jumping ship at the first sign of trouble, but since we've been able to resolve the few disagreements we've had, we're satisfied that we can resolve our disagreements. If we have a major one, then we'll consider counseling. Been together 6 years now, and celebrating 3 years of marriage next month.
Eric Clapton was really bummed when he found out his friend George Harrison was divorcing Patty Boyd in 1977, but he and George remained friends and recorded music together.
OK, maybe not too bummed out.
OK, maybe not too bummed out.
Meh..Hormones play the biggest role in the Marrying process...As hormones fade and they do...There needs to be a deeper sense of love..BY BOTH PARTIES. Its amazing that only 50% of marriages fail. And I would gurss more than 50% "fail"...there is just no divorce. Don't take it too seriously. Its part of life. And its not yours
Better he divorces than stay in a marriage that is flat out not working. Not all marriages can be saved.
OT....I love a party...but I HATE getting invited to a wedding. First of all.... in NY a wedding is usually an overblown affair and an expensive
day for the guests....between the 'wedding shower' and 'wedding present' it can cost $400 or $500...another trend lately is out-of-town
weddings (and bachelor parties) where the guests are expected to get hotel rooms as well as travel expenses (besides the big gift...that is expected to be cash).
I think it's pretty 'cheeky' to expect people to travel hundreds of miles or more and take a hotel room and give a big present just to make
'her day' special. (I say 'her day' because I think it's usually the female that desires such grandiosity)...On top of all this....half the marriages
end in divorce.
day for the guests....between the 'wedding shower' and 'wedding present' it can cost $400 or $500...another trend lately is out-of-town
weddings (and bachelor parties) where the guests are expected to get hotel rooms as well as travel expenses (besides the big gift...that is expected to be cash).
I think it's pretty 'cheeky' to expect people to travel hundreds of miles or more and take a hotel room and give a big present just to make
'her day' special. (I say 'her day' because I think it's usually the female that desires such grandiosity)...On top of all this....half the marriages
end in divorce.
Thanks for the help / suggestions. It sounds like it was mutual, nobody bad mouthed anyone. I really like her parents as they always host a Christmas party every year. The double whammy is that i was invited to and accepted a wedding invitation to my friends future ex sister inlaw in September. Still on the fence about that. I asked my friend if he's going and said he wasn't sure yet.
Divorce is much better than being miserable for the next 40+ years.
I've seen way too many people remain married and stay in a very unhappy marriage.
I've seen way too many people remain married and stay in a very unhappy marriage.
From a Pastor's perspective, when someone says they have decided, they have decided. I treat it as such. I don't try to change their minds.
Of course, no one has ever told me they were gonna murder someone or commit suicide so don't be a dork. ok?
To carry this further, if someone comes to me and says, "I have decided to divorce my wife, what do you think?" I tell them what I think doesn't really matter if they have already decided. Depending on their response, I will know how to proceed.
A normal response I have seen over many years is they will blink their eyes about 3 times, stare and not move. I slowly walk away at that point. About 1/3 will come back to discuss their issues and about 2/3 stick with their plan.
Now, if they come to me seeking advice then everything changes. We meet as couples, with my wife there as well, and have discussions. I generally take them to dinner.
Since he didn't ask you for advice, I wouldn't give any at this point in time. The only question I would ask him first is how are you gonna deal with your 6 year old?
He'll come to you for advice when he's ready. Since you haven't been married, it may be out of your wheel house to give much advice. I don't know anything about you so I am speaking in general terms. You may be a trained marriage counselor, I don't know.
Do not take sides. Don't let him talk bad about his child's mother. Especially in front of him/her.
Be careful of your body language when he is telling you his side. Don't be nodding or shaking your head in response to his remarks. Just be still and listen. Be stoic and as unemotional as you can.
I don't know your beliefs, but I would pray with him quite a bit. Pray for wisdom. There is only One who can and does change hearts.
Of course, no one has ever told me they were gonna murder someone or commit suicide so don't be a dork. ok?
To carry this further, if someone comes to me and says, "I have decided to divorce my wife, what do you think?" I tell them what I think doesn't really matter if they have already decided. Depending on their response, I will know how to proceed.
A normal response I have seen over many years is they will blink their eyes about 3 times, stare and not move. I slowly walk away at that point. About 1/3 will come back to discuss their issues and about 2/3 stick with their plan.
Now, if they come to me seeking advice then everything changes. We meet as couples, with my wife there as well, and have discussions. I generally take them to dinner.
Since he didn't ask you for advice, I wouldn't give any at this point in time. The only question I would ask him first is how are you gonna deal with your 6 year old?
He'll come to you for advice when he's ready. Since you haven't been married, it may be out of your wheel house to give much advice. I don't know anything about you so I am speaking in general terms. You may be a trained marriage counselor, I don't know.
Do not take sides. Don't let him talk bad about his child's mother. Especially in front of him/her.
Be careful of your body language when he is telling you his side. Don't be nodding or shaking your head in response to his remarks. Just be still and listen. Be stoic and as unemotional as you can.
I don't know your beliefs, but I would pray with him quite a bit. Pray for wisdom. There is only One who can and does change hearts.
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