Fear of having children - serious discussion
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I am extremely lucky and have two great kids. I am happy with that. I think I would be very lonely without them, although maybe I would adapt.
I have a sibling who never had kids. My wife has a sibling who never had kids. I worked with several people who’ve never had kids. I don’t think their lives are incomplete. They seem happy enough. It’s a very personal decision.
I know someone who raised their kids, Retired, started enjoying “the good life”. Then something happened to one of their kids, and now they’re raising their grandchildren full time. They tell me they enjoy it and wouldn’t have it any other way, and I totally believe them.
I know someone who's kid committed suicide. I know people who's kids turned out not the way they had hoped and they don't speak anymore.
It’s a very personal decision with no right or wrong answer. It can turn out in a lot of different ways. Its definitely something that you can't get advice about, because everyone has a very different experience.
I have a sibling who never had kids. My wife has a sibling who never had kids. I worked with several people who’ve never had kids. I don’t think their lives are incomplete. They seem happy enough. It’s a very personal decision.
I know someone who raised their kids, Retired, started enjoying “the good life”. Then something happened to one of their kids, and now they’re raising their grandchildren full time. They tell me they enjoy it and wouldn’t have it any other way, and I totally believe them.
I know someone who's kid committed suicide. I know people who's kids turned out not the way they had hoped and they don't speak anymore.
It’s a very personal decision with no right or wrong answer. It can turn out in a lot of different ways. Its definitely something that you can't get advice about, because everyone has a very different experience.
One of my medical staff was in his 80s (and still very competent I might add). On a trip to England to visit his mother (who was nearly 100) he did a number of odd jobs for her, as sons do.
As he was about to leave he asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"
"Yes." she said, "Get a haircut." The parenting never stops.
One of my former co-workers retired and not long after ended up with his three grandchildren because both his son and DIL ended up in jail. My friend and his wife have custody and the parents seem to not have any desire to have the kids back even though they are both out of jail now.
My friend doesn't seem to be enjoying being a parent again at his age.
A longtime neighbor had a few kids, but really unfortunately luck. One committed suicide (He had bipolar disorder) about 10-15 years ago and his daughter was murdered just a few months ago. I can't imagine what that has to be like to have two significant losses like that as parents.
Bipolar disorder is no joke, though. My brother has it and growing up with him was extremely difficult. My parents struggled with my brothers mental health for so many years... He was destructive, abusive, couldn’t keep a job, got into hard drugs, many suicide attempts, etc… It was bonkers. Thankfully he eventually got his meds sorted out with his doctor and things start going good for him. He has been mentally stable for probably 10 years or more now. Night and day difference from what I grew up with. But thankfully, he has been on the right track and doing very well for himself as an adult. For a few years, I really didn’t expect to have a brother much longer when I was growing up.
So between my own personal experience, the people around me don’t help the case either… One coworker had a son a year ago (their second) that they had found out was born deaf a few months later, so by the time their son was one, had undergone two surgeries to put in cochlear implants. Hearing his stresses of surgery, insurance, treatments, and all the post-care… Oof. Not to mention, prior to his second son, his general regret and discussing having literally no time for himself anymore and all those standard parent compromises… He didn’t do so well with that.
My project manager has a child with downs syndrome, which sounds quite challenging when he has talked about it.
A friend in Florida had their first child about 14 years ago who ended up having pretty severe autism, which has been very difficult/stressful for them as expected. But they do try to get their son the best chance at being an independent adult. Many school changes for the best care, doctors, etc… But the meltdowns and all that are still prominent and is very stressful for them. As terrible as it sounds, I absolutely get the impression they wished they didn’t do the kid thing (they did later in life, late 30’s early 40’s I believe) because of general comments about being held back from travel or this or that because of their child. It’s sad, but I mean, you signed up for it… Good or bad.
On the flipside, I know of happy families as well of course… It’s not all doom and gloom, but I will admit I hear/experience more of that than the good. My cousins have a large family and seem to LOVE being parents and their kids, which are all getting into sports and kind of "repeating" their own childhood of course. So that gets them excited. I have a few friends with large families that seem straight out of a sitcom (foreign to me!) in terms of well behaved, great kids. So it certainly goes both ways.
At the end of the day, you either have to be up for the challenge or not... Will probably be the highest highs and lowest lows you will ever deal with as a parent. Having a good partner is huge, too. Make sure you are on the same page and have the same goals in mind for care and all that. Be a stable, loving home… If you can’t offer that, honestly don’t bother.
For me, though, I will stick to having dogs as my spoiled kids... ! But if one day my SO seriously approached me and really wanted kids, I would likely be on board (but maybe the adoption route, instead). But she is more against kids than I am in general, so I don't see that happening
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yup, all abt the spouse - as it all goes back to that shortly (20 yrs) anyway.
'Cept for the visits and grand kids
8^ )
(This has been a great way to get to know our 'members'. Thanks for trusting us enuff to post on this weighty subject.
Good luck as U continue to decide. Put the time in to do so but complete it as it can go on (not great to sit on razor's edge long).
'Cept for the visits and grand kids
8^ )
(This has been a great way to get to know our 'members'. Thanks for trusting us enuff to post on this weighty subject.
Good luck as U continue to decide. Put the time in to do so but complete it as it can go on (not great to sit on razor's edge long).
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Wondering if its the right time to have kids, or deciding whether or not you want kids ever at all.... lets put this in automotive terms. Its is like wondering if you want to restore a rusty mid-60's Jaguar or own a Mazda rotary. You've got to absolutely WANT it without question, or your life is going to change in a manner you probably arent counting on. If you're not sure, or there is any doubt at all, the answer is noooooooooooo......
Lets put it another way. Picture yourself a student pilot, your instructor just keeled over dead while you are trying to land an F-18 on a carrier, in the middle of a hurricane, at night, with one engine out, the other on fire and stuck on full afterburner, the carrier is listing 30 degrees to one side, your nose gear has a blown tire, you're hungover and need to barf, there is a wasp nest under your seat and you just accidently kicked it, a huge carpenter ant just crawled inside your ear, you have irritable bowel syndrome and its knocking on the back door RIGHT NOW, you're almost out of fuel, the canopy just cracked and slid open 4 inches and its blasting your face with 180 mph rain and wind, your right arm is broken, a mosquito keeps landing on your eyebrow, and you're holding a three-month old pitbull puppy on your lap that is chewing and yanking on the eject handle and while all this is happening your very angry wife is calling you on the phone wanting to know why some college age girl is at the front door holding a toddler saying its yours. If this kind of stress sounds like fun to you, then you're probably mentally ready to have kids, because from age 14 to 21 the above scenario is what your life is going to feel like Every.Freaking.Day.
Really before age 14, kids arent that difficult, relatively speaking, in our experience. The teen years were crazy at times.
We have two kids, well they're actually adults in their 20's now, and while I love them both, they were (or are) a challenge, and they were by no means what you'd consider difficult kids, not by a longshot. They were a piece of cake compared to some of our friends kids.
The boy is in his mid 20's, has no ambition whatsoever, lives alone in a nearly empty 2-bedroom apartment with his dog, working on a loading dock for $17/hr, the inside of his car looks like a landfill after a cataclysmic flood, he has no social life at all and his biggest goal in life seems to be the day he can go to Taco Bell without using his credit card. He likes to watch football, so he's got that much going for him.
The girl on the other hand, is barely 22, zero debt, full of ambition, runs a business, owns her fairly new car, lives in her own three bedroom house in the suburbs, has a 6-figure income, and is working full time during the day while going to school at night to finish up her degree.
Two kids, same two parents, two very different outcomes. I'd tell you I have the 20+ years experience raising kids and know what I'm doing and can give advice, but I just dont feel like I can do that. Other than that second paragraph above, I think I got that part right.
Lets put it another way. Picture yourself a student pilot, your instructor just keeled over dead while you are trying to land an F-18 on a carrier, in the middle of a hurricane, at night, with one engine out, the other on fire and stuck on full afterburner, the carrier is listing 30 degrees to one side, your nose gear has a blown tire, you're hungover and need to barf, there is a wasp nest under your seat and you just accidently kicked it, a huge carpenter ant just crawled inside your ear, you have irritable bowel syndrome and its knocking on the back door RIGHT NOW, you're almost out of fuel, the canopy just cracked and slid open 4 inches and its blasting your face with 180 mph rain and wind, your right arm is broken, a mosquito keeps landing on your eyebrow, and you're holding a three-month old pitbull puppy on your lap that is chewing and yanking on the eject handle and while all this is happening your very angry wife is calling you on the phone wanting to know why some college age girl is at the front door holding a toddler saying its yours. If this kind of stress sounds like fun to you, then you're probably mentally ready to have kids, because from age 14 to 21 the above scenario is what your life is going to feel like Every.Freaking.Day.
Really before age 14, kids arent that difficult, relatively speaking, in our experience. The teen years were crazy at times.
We have two kids, well they're actually adults in their 20's now, and while I love them both, they were (or are) a challenge, and they were by no means what you'd consider difficult kids, not by a longshot. They were a piece of cake compared to some of our friends kids.
The boy is in his mid 20's, has no ambition whatsoever, lives alone in a nearly empty 2-bedroom apartment with his dog, working on a loading dock for $17/hr, the inside of his car looks like a landfill after a cataclysmic flood, he has no social life at all and his biggest goal in life seems to be the day he can go to Taco Bell without using his credit card. He likes to watch football, so he's got that much going for him.
The girl on the other hand, is barely 22, zero debt, full of ambition, runs a business, owns her fairly new car, lives in her own three bedroom house in the suburbs, has a 6-figure income, and is working full time during the day while going to school at night to finish up her degree.
Two kids, same two parents, two very different outcomes. I'd tell you I have the 20+ years experience raising kids and know what I'm doing and can give advice, but I just dont feel like I can do that. Other than that second paragraph above, I think I got that part right.
Life's a gamble.. I have older half sister and a younger sister, the younger sister passed away back in 2011 after a long battle with AML and organ rejection. Had another cousin drop dead at 39 no idea why. all my other cousins are bit bonkers. My youngest son was born at 24 and half weeks but at 14 you'd never know he's perf.. well I wouldn't say perfect. Can't say the same for other kids that was with him in the hospital, we were fortunate. I've known people with kids that preferred not to and people without kids that are perfectly happy, and some at a older age that regretted it since no one could help take care of them. Then there's the ones that the kids don't help at. Life's a gamble... best thing to do is live.. in a 100 years no one will know who we are/were.
That is interesting. Where did you get the 80% of the women want 15% of the men. I always thought it was the other way around. But that is just my observations. Maybe it is both.???
As another side observation. I know about 10-15 adults over 50 who never had kids or adopted. All but one say they are happy with their choice. The one that isn't is very extroverted and had their partner pass away just about 4 yrs ago. I think the grief from the passing and then the pandemic isolation has made her very lonely. Granted I have only known her for a few years but I do not see her as a good parent as she likes to drink and can not do a very good job of getting basic stuff done. Loneliness can get people to make bad choices. They say loneliness is becoming a big problem. In Europe some countries are trying to address it. If you have kids you may not get loney as you age but if you have a strong network of friends and neighbors you won't either. Everything takes some work. There is no easy life.
Of the people I know who have kids, it seems the more kids the more they struggle. Some do great with 1 or 2. I hardly know anyone with more who are not always in chaos or some kind of stress most would never want. I do not know many very wealthy people. Maybe they can do great with lots of kids. The economic realities of today takes a toll on families.
Children are a blessing. (and a challenge as already stated) My daughters loved me like I was a King when they were younger, then around 12-13 they changed. Still wonderful kids, are independent and balanced. I am happy they can live their life as they see fit. But the teenage years are unbridled hell.
One final comment:
If you're going to have kids, get on with it. My daughter had her kids very late (at age 40 and 42). She was also very lucky - 2 perfect babies. Several of her friends were trying to have babies at the same age and couldn't. They had run out of time. And that was very sad.
And being a younger parent is easier too. Being up through the night with sick kids (which will happen) is not easy, just easier when you're in your 20s. And being a parent takes lots of energy which you will have more of when you're younger.
So don't put it off.
If you're going to have kids, get on with it. My daughter had her kids very late (at age 40 and 42). She was also very lucky - 2 perfect babies. Several of her friends were trying to have babies at the same age and couldn't. They had run out of time. And that was very sad.
And being a younger parent is easier too. Being up through the night with sick kids (which will happen) is not easy, just easier when you're in your 20s. And being a parent takes lots of energy which you will have more of when you're younger.
So don't put it off.
And then it gets better again as they get older. As the old story goes, - "My parents didn't know anything when I was 15. When I got to be 25 I couldn't believe how much they had learned in only 10 years."
I think that rejecting your parents ideas is part of growing up. And maybe it's even a necessary part of growing up.
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OP,
I need others to have children.
Of course all (ore most) of us that have kids love them and can't imagine not having THEM. But in an alternative universe, if you could know the struggles and cost and depravation that come with them. Many would not have them. Many have kids bc "its what married people do).
I for one wouldn't. But its impossible to really believe that bc I know my kids and grandkids.
So again. Why do you want kids?
Vil's statement is right on.
I for one wouldn't. But its impossible to really believe that bc I know my kids and grandkids.
So again. Why do you want kids?
Vil's statement is right on.
Wow. You were very lucky.
One of my patients had male twins born at 24 or 25 weeks (don't remember exactly as that was more than 30 years ago). I didn't deliver them. When it was apparent they were going to be born (this all happened in the middle of the night of course) I had the mother transferred to a nearby hospital with a NICU. They set the record at that major urban hospital for the most premature surviving male twins. They were normal toddlers when I left general practice.
I have 2 friends that had twins . 1 had mono and the other had di . Twins have a bond that is amazing. It was quite the treat to experience them.
My kids are awesome. No regrets.
It’s important to understand that for the past 30 years, my life has been focused around them.
A life focused on the needs of others may not be for everyone.
It’s important to understand that for the past 30 years, my life has been focused around them.
A life focused on the needs of others may not be for everyone.
I actually get energy by giving it here. I
dont think it would B worth it otherwise
(justa drain).
dont think it would B worth it otherwise
(justa drain).
