Bummed about long-Time friend divorcing

It's not the divorce itself but how you feel about it that is causing you distress. Find a way to think differently about the event and you will feel better. A little free cognitive/behavioral psychotherapy. It works.
 
Originally Posted by Gebo
Don't be nodding or shaking your head in response to his remarks. Just be still and listen. Be stoic and as unemotional as you can.

This is good advise.
Every time my spouse is complaining about something I utter "I understand" and "umm, hmm" constantly while nodding my head.
I usually do this to indicate I haven't fallen asleep, but I'll try this approach next time
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His divorce is keeping you awake? This makes no sense to me. First of all you should be happy for him not sad. He is getting out of a bad relationship. I divorced my first wife back in 1991. It was the best thing I ever did in my life. Things turned around for me and my life got much better. I had 50% custody of my three kids and we all got along great afterwards. I just saw my ex a few weeks ago and she was looking for advice on a gun. I have been married to my current wife 18 years and we are best friends. I am a Grandfather now and looking back I wouldn't change a thing.
 
Originally Posted by 97prizm
Thanks for the help / suggestions. It sounds like it was mutual, nobody bad mouthed anyone. ...


Just wait.

Good advice already given, should you chose not to heed it you can always just say:

"So you both lied when you said until death do us part.?"
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Lots of good points.

Great advice Gebo!!! I now know who to go to on this board. Do you take paypal.
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And yes this thread civil. Great job all.
 
Originally Posted by Al
Lots of good points.

Great advice Gebo!!! I now know who to go to on this board. Do you take paypal.
lol.gif


And yes this thread civil. Great job all.



You know, I take praypal.
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Given what you said, you are a great friend. I'm not sure I've got any buddies left that would loose sleep over such a thing!

Forget your friend and his spouse. They're going to mess up a 6yr old now because of their choices.

They knew before they got married that something was up with one or the other, yet they chose to move forward, get marred and worse yet, have a child. Seems to be the case 99% of the time.

You gotta choose wisely which really takes some doing.

The darling bride and I have been married for 20yrs and we dated for 10 prior to that. We have 4 kids. Knowing what I know now, would I do it again? Ehh.. I dunno. I don't think my wife or I necessarily chose wisely. We have great days and we have bad ones, but we keep going forward.
 
It's a Covid-19 thing - shhhh, I didn't say that word ! My daughter and partner are splitting up...he has now lost his job, like many others, his world has fallen apart, all the big plans in ruins. He's spat the dummy, it's all her fault, she won't support him, NZ is horrible, he's going back to Aussie. Luckily my other daughter is staying there, so she has good support. A lot for her to sort out, and he's taken all his good stuff and disappeared. Well soon have 3 girls homeless, and we will have a very full house.
 
Originally Posted by 97prizm
Hi all,

It's 2 am and can't sleep. A really good friend of mine who I've known for 23 plus years ( we met in high school math class) texts me late and says he and his wife are splitting up after 13 years of marriage. I'm still friends with the guy but it blows my mind that two individuals can't figured something out. I hate change to some extent and always figured two people could figure out their differences. Their 6 year old is very smart and has a sense of humor which is weird and funny. Anyone else deal with this? I'm a very practical individual i.e.you have a problem you solve it, there is no giving up. Maybe that's why I'm 37 and am not married, which is a little frustrating. All suggestions appreciated and welcome.


Most individuals in a marriage are not honest. Most individuals wait 10 years or more to lock into maximum social security benefits. Most individuals imagine that grass is greener on their side. Most individuals are influenced by their circle of besties more than their spouses.
 
Originally Posted by stockrex


Most individuals in a marriage are not honest. Most individuals wait 10 years or more to lock into maximum social security benefits. Most individuals imagine that grass is greener on their side. Most individuals are influenced by their circle of besties more than their spouses.



A lot people suck. That's for sure.

You've just gotta make sure you don't marry them and gawd forbid, have kids with them.

I guess all you can (hopefully) do, is learn how to avoid it in the future.
 
I lost a good friend over his divorce. After he met her he starting bringing her around and hanging with my wife and I which was great because we liked her and we all became friends. A few years later they separate and of course he was a good friend so I listened to all he had to say and didn't really take sides because my wife had become good friends with his wife. It got to the point to where I couldn't stand him coming over because all he wanted to do was bash her and drill my wife for information. I finally had to put my foot down because it was starting to cause my wife and I to argue, I told him I don't mind if you come over but no more talking about your ex, well that was the last I seen him for quite a few years. We never did hang out like before he met her but I couldn't let it come between the wife and I.
 
I've been divorced twice. First one I was young and suborned, didn't listen to my wife's needs. She left me for another guy, can't blame her now that I've matured and understand why. I wish we would have worked it out, she was/is a great person, kick myself for letting her get away. Second marriage ended almost 2 years ago now. She ended up having mental issues, taking advantage of me being a nice guy and almost drove me to the brink of financial disaster. I tried to work on that one but due to her mental issues she was pretty abusive and wouldn't change the constant spending. It was hard, took me years to leave especially because we had a child together, but I did it.

Took my time and was much more experienced on what to look out for when vetting a new partner. My current GF is really amazing. It's weird to be with someone normal, it's almost too easy!

Anyways, I guess my life lesson is don't get married young before you have mentally matured and can deal with all the stuff that comes along with marriage. Also read up on what s normal and abnormal behavior from the opposite sex, what a healthy relationship looks like etc. I had so many warning signs in my second marriage that I just didn't know what was right in front of me. It's not that people want to get divorced, sometimes there are things out of their control that they can't fix.
 
Had to chime in here on this one. After i finished college, I moved into my friend and his wives house. I knew them both for a long time and we all got along. They had just bought a huge house and weren't having children anytime soon. I viewed it as temporary, until I found a stable gig. I was working as an IT contractor at the time.

Anyhow, I got a front row seat on watching their marriage explode. Some questionable decision making on my buddies part (porn, finances, other women) had them at odds. The kicker was that he decided to buy a Lotus (55k) without telling her and hid it. As soon as he finally brought it home, it exploded. I moved out within 3 weeks.

I was by default, kind of in the middle of it. On one hand, I think my friend was finally being himself (not what other people thought he should be). He had gotten married right after college and had done status quo. I'm not sure he really was in love with her, but loved idea of marrying her and she was a good catch. However, she was kind of boring. The more I learned about what he was doing the more in good faith couldn't condone that behavior.

As it went on, I distanced myself from my buddy. Eventually, lots of thing came out into the open. I couldn't help feel bad for her knew she would be ok. After the divorce, I eventually talked to my buddy but things were never the same. Things worked out for the best.

Unless you are in the house, no outsider really knows what goes on in a marriage. So let them do their thing. Try not to takes sides if you can. Just be supportive and keep it at that. If you can't handle that then find new friends.
 
Originally Posted by Ws6
Originally Posted by 97prizm
Hi all,

It's 2 am and can't sleep. A really good friend of mine who I've known for 23 plus years ( we met in high school math class) texts me late and says he and his wife are splitting up after 13 years of marriage. I'm still friends with the guy but it blows my mind that two individuals can't figured something out. I hate change to some extent and always figured two people could figure out their differences. Their 6 year old is very smart and has a sense of humor which is weird and funny. Anyone else deal with this? I'm a very practical individual i.e.you have a problem you solve it, there is no giving up. Maybe that's why I'm 37 and am not married, which is a little frustrating. All suggestions appreciated and welcome.

Just be a good friend. Dont have to agree or understand, to do that.



Well said and right in my opinion ^^^^^^^
 
Originally Posted by pbm
OT....I love a party...but I HATE getting invited to a wedding. First of all.... in NY a wedding is usually an overblown affair and an expensive
day for the guests....between the 'wedding shower' and 'wedding present' it can cost $400 or $500...another trend lately is out-of-town
weddings (and bachelor parties) where the guests are expected to get hotel rooms as well as travel expenses (besides the big gift...that is expected to be cash).
I think it's pretty 'cheeky' to expect people to travel hundreds of miles or more and take a hotel room and give a big present just to make
'her day' special. (I say 'her day' because I think it's usually the female that desires such grandiosity)...On top of all this....half the marriages
end in divorce.

Hosteen says phooey on wedding presents. So you are getting married, so what?
 
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