Bummed about long-Time friend divorcing

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Hi all,

It's 2 am and can't sleep. A really good friend of mine who I've known for 23 plus years ( we met in high school math class) texts me late and says he and his wife are splitting up after 13 years of marriage. I'm still friends with the guy but it blows my mind that two individuals can't figured something out. I hate change to some extent and always figured two people could figure out their differences. Their 6 year old is very smart and has a sense of humor which is weird and funny. Anyone else deal with this? I'm a very practical individual i.e.you have a problem you solve it, there is no giving up. Maybe that's why I'm 37 and am not married, which is a little frustrating. All suggestions appreciated and welcome.
 
No suggestions to offer except do pray and hope for their best. Until its really done, there is still hope. Just being a friend is the part you can do. Best wishes, GFH.
 
Originally Posted by 97prizm
Hi all,

It's 2 am and can't sleep. A really good friend of mine who I've known for 23 plus years ( we met in high school math class) texts me late and says he and his wife are splitting up after 13 years of marriage. I'm still friends with the guy but it blows my mind that two individuals can't figured something out. I hate change to some extent and always figured two people could figure out their differences. Their 6 year old is very smart and has a sense of humor which is weird and funny. Anyone else deal with this? I'm a very practical individual i.e.you have a problem you solve it, there is no giving up. Maybe that's why I'm 37 and am not married, which is a little frustrating. All suggestions appreciated and welcome.



You must be a good friend/person to be stressing about another couples marrital issues. Most of the time someone cheated or it was financial issues


Best of luck to you and your friend. At the end the 6 year old is loosing his/her family. Sad stuff
frown.gif




Dave
 
I've got a few buddies that have gone through a divorce or on the brink of divorce. It's very unfortunate but it happens. I used to think the same thing as you; you solve problems but after seeing so many marriages fail, sometimes issues just can't be resolved and divorce is the only or best way.
 
Originally Posted by 97prizm
Hi all,

It's 2 am and can't sleep. A really good friend of mine who I've known for 23 plus years ( we met in high school math class) texts me late and says he and his wife are splitting up after 13 years of marriage. I'm still friends with the guy but it blows my mind that two individuals can't figured something out. I hate change to some extent and always figured two people could figure out their differences. Their 6 year old is very smart and has a sense of humor which is weird and funny. Anyone else deal with this? I'm a very practical individual i.e.you have a problem you solve it, there is no giving up. Maybe that's why I'm 37 and am not married, which is a little frustrating. All suggestions appreciated and welcome.

Just be a good friend. Dont have to agree or understand, to do that.
 
My wife and I stressed over a good friend's divorce years ago. We were like family. Now we aren't friends with him or his ex. Life goes on.
 
Try to resist catching the "White Knight Disease". We can't fix all the bad things we see in this world. People change, everyone has different pain thresholds. Marriage is WORK.
 
I think in a lot of cases things were never great, but they just keep trying and trying. Eventually it comes to a point where both sides just realize it isn't going to work.
 
You never know how much people lie to others and themselves.
I bet MANY people go into marriage with BIG reservations.
a) My friends are wedding so I gotta too
b) The elders will call us sluts if we don't wed
c) We'll be better off financially...maybe

Then there's just plain stupidity....people can be so, so stupid
a) A baby will fuse our marriage completely
b) I really hate the singles scene....I'll make this work (White Knight Disease from within the marriage)

And the "secondary" reasons
a) We'll get a bigger wedding gift from "daddy" if we wed
b) It'll get me out of the house

I also bet many people desire the "guaranteed sex" of marriage but never addressed that it's "fantasy movie sex" they're after.

Back when 95% of us tilled the soil for a living there was little time left to drive yourself crazy.
Today we have oodles of "spare time" to get in our own way.
 
At the time, it was very stressful and sad but getting divorced was a great decision I made. I'm so much happier now. My friends were happy when I got divorced and advised me to stay with it and not go back to her.
 
I am not sure i know of many couples that havent had a divorce at some point..


The couples that i do know that are married again... i often see 'selfies' or 'quotes' looking for attention... on social media... and lots of hearts..

Just a matter of time...
 
Originally Posted by Bottom_Feeder
As they say, no good marriage has ever ended in divorce.


True, but there are plenty of bad marriages which lasted up to the point where one passes away from old age.
 
Originally Posted by krismoriah72
I am not sure i know of many couples that havent had a divorce at some point..


The couples that i do know that are married again... i often see 'selfies' or 'quotes' looking for attention... on social media... and lots of hearts..

Just a matter of time...



Yeah, it's like the old poker adage. Strong is weak and weak is strong.
 
It happens all the time, do not get yourself involved in that. If he talks to you do not give any advise just listen and say its your thing sorry but I don't want to get involved.
You will never know what really went on behind closed doors or when the lights went out and you don't need to.
Whatever you do not under any circumstances bad mouth the wife. Well meaning comment or advise in this sort of thing can come back to hit you like a baseball bat in the pie hole.
 
I'm not married, but I can totally understand why people get divorced, even after that many years. People cheat, lie, steal, etc. I've been through a relationship with someone who was mentally abusive. If I was married to that person, the amount it costs for divorce would still be worth it. The sad part is how many people end up in financial ruin because of divorce through something that is no fault of their own.

It makes a young guy like me who is financially stable think long and hard before even considering marriage.
 
Prizm - You're in a tough spot. I've been on both sides of this problem (the divorcing couple, and the friend).

Check in with your buddy. Be prepared to listen. Take him out for lunch/dinner/a beer. He will need to talk. Be there for him.

If you're friends with his wife - be fair. Don't ostracize or cut off one party in a divorce.

DO NOT TAKE SIDES.

Listen...reach out...have patience. They both need support. The child needs support. Continue the relationships that you had with each of them before this happened.

You should be prepared to hear lots of awful things about the other party. Some are true, some are not, but none of them should be acted upon, repeated to anyone else, or used in judgement.

You should also be prepared to lose one of them as a friend.

Sad, but true: some people (like my ex-wife) have a scorched-Earth view of the world. In the eyes of this kind of person, the divorcing partner is evil, and therefore, anyone who is even kind to that person must also be evil. My ex cut off all contact with friends of 20+ years once she discovered that they had sent me a Christmas card, even as she got a Christmas card from them, too. Those people were decent. They were rewarded with scorn and a loss of contact.

I have some college friends, people I've known for 30+ years, who chose to cut me off under threat from her; she forced them to choose sides, and my kids are awesome, so they chose the side that allowed them to keep contact with the kids, in their view. So, while I understand their predicament, their lack of integrity is a disappointment.

As an aside, that person who imposed the scorched-earth and choosing of sides, lives by herself, having not dated in the past 14 years, and the kids and I are close, despite her best efforts, while I moved on and got remarried to a totally awesome girl...

So, listen, be fair, you will see the worst in people, so let that go, ignore the relationship details that you hear, don't choose sides, and realize that the situation is beyond your control.
 
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