The pet store was selling monkeys for a nickel apiece, and I thought this was odd since they are normally a couple thousand each probably. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth though, and so I bought 200 of them. What can I say, I like monkeys.
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I took my 200 monkeys home all at once since I have a big car. In fact, I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund. I think Sigmund was mentally defective.
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Come to think of it, none of them were really very bright. I could tell because they kept punching themselves in the genitals.
That made me laugh.
Then they punched me in the genitals.
I stopped laughing.
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Then I herded them into my room, but they didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall.
Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
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Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so cheap - they died.
All of them.
For no apparent reason.
They all just sort of dropped dead.
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Dang cheap monkeys!
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I didn't know what to do at that point.
There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room…on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase…literally everywhere.
It actually looked like I had 200 throw rugs.
At one point I tried to flush one down the toilet. That didn't work because it got stuck before going down and ended up just clogging the toilet.
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So at that point I had 1 dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
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Eventually I tried to just pretend that they were stuffed animals, and that worked for a while. That is, until they began to decompose.
Those things started to smell real bad, real quick, and wouldn't you know it, I had to go we-we in the worst way. But I couldn't use the toilet because there was a dead monkey in it.
I thought about calling a plumber, but I was too embarrassed.
New plan…
I figured I could slow down the monkey corpse decomposition by freezing them. And that would have worked, but unfortunately there was only enough room for 2 monkey corpses at a time in the freezer. Which meant I had to start changing them out every 30 minutes.
I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad.
New plan - I decided to incinerate the decomposing monkey corpses.
That would have worked, but I had to stop before I finished with the 1st one because it turns out my bed was flammable.
Now I had a fire to extinguish on top of everything else that has gone wrong for me.
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Just to recap, by this point in the story I had:
- 1 soggy monkey corpse clogging my toilet.
- 2 frozen monkey corpses stuffed in my freezer.
- 197 charred monkey corpses in a pile on my smoldering bed.
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And the odor inside my home was NOT improving!
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It was at this point that I became extremely agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys, and it was exacerbated by the fact that I still had to go to the bathroom.
So I went and severely beat one of the monkey corpses. That made me feel much better…much better.
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I suddenly thought of a new place to send my furry deceased friends to get them out of my hair - the landfill!
So I started throwing the smoldering ones in the trash, but the garbage man said I was not allowed to dispose of charred primates like that because of the risk of a dumpster fire. (How ironic, that's what my life had devolved into by that point.)
I told him I had a soaking wet one, but he couldn't take that one either.
I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
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I finally arrived at THE solution: I gave the monkey corpses out as Christmas gifts!
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My friends didn't quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying.
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Ingrates...So I punched them all in the genitals.
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I like monkeys!!
