Originally Posted by thooks
I think most marriage problems are a result of both parties involved. Look around at people your age. Doesn't matter how old you are. You will see plenty of people your age that can't grow up, who are slobs, who are basically sorry, pathetic people. The men are drinkers, possibly drug users, they would rather hang around people like them so they can be lazy and mindless. This aggravates their wife, who is mad that they couldn't make this sorry piece of crap husband grow up, but she probably can't grow up, either. She was most likely told 100 times that she shouldn't marry this guy, not to mention she shouldn't be running around with him before marriage. Her father probably tried to tell her, if he was in the picture.
One might ask a disgruntled husband or wife why they chose to marry that person? If they were a drinker or drug user or lazy before the wedding, why expect them to be different after?
I'd agree, for many things, the state of the marriage is on both parties.
However, there are some behaviors that are ONLY on the one engaged in them. If your wife chooses to have an affair, no one forced her to do it. She 100% owns the decision to do that. She may not have been happy. However, she chose the most hurtful and unhealthy way to deal with her unhappiness.
Originally Posted by thooks
Which brings up the real problem in society in the US today - no real father in the household with kids being raised and if there is, there's a strong possibility he's some hipster-like male who is afraid to tell his kids how it is without sugar coating it because his "educated" wife tells him he shouldn't talk to the kids _that_ way, but kindly explain to them that blah, blah, blah.
Many fathers are driven out by a wife who wants a divorce (about 2/3rds of all divorces in the US are filed by women and relatively few of those women have complaints like his adultery, addiction or abuse) and is treated as a visitor to his children.
He's an ATM for the whims of the mother.
Originally Posted by thooks
I can tell you what works - talking to your kids in plain English with no BS, no skirting around the issue and no sugar coating it. My 20 yo daughter will tell you (like she's told many others) that she is glad her daddy talked to her in that manner about life. My wife didn't use to like how I would explain things or talk to my daughter, but today she (wife) will tell you that it all worked out and it's all good.
Yep, I was told my approach was wrong. Now that my daughter is 21, I'm the one she goes to for advice, help, etc. She calls her mom merely her "Birth Giver" and that she's a big child masquerading as an adult.
Originally Posted by thooks
My wife constantly tells me how glad she is that I take care of things, do things without having to be told, etc. This usually comes after she's had a "girls night" or a girls weekend (like this recent weekend) where she's around 3-5 of her long-time friends who seem to gripe and complain about their husbands. I ask her if she just sits back and listens, she says yes.
I'm sure there are a few things my wife might like me to do differently. But then she realizes that I do take care of things that she doesn't have to. She's found her cars are more reliable since she met me and that I can make breakfast and do laundry when working from home, leaving fewer things for her to do.
Originally Posted by thooks
Marriage is work and it is also about growing the heck up and acting like adults who have been taught how to be responsible and handle problems. That's a big issue, many parents don't need to be parents and certainly aren't educating their kids at home on how to be an adult and handle life.
If you're in a bad marriage or relationship, do something about it. Either figure out if it's going to heal and get better or get out and move on. I assure you that you're probably a huge part of the problem...if you recognize this, either do something about it or stop rooking people into entering a relationship with you where you screw up both lives.
I'd say do something HEALTHY and HONORABLE about it. Most people, "DO SOMETHING." However, few seem to do things that are healthy and honorable.
