Advice for young BITOG males...

[BMWTurboDzl]

Originally Posted by quint
Originally Posted by Bailes1992
I feel this is less 'advice' and more of a fact that I hope isn't true.

Its utterly and completely true.

Originally Posted by BISCUT
The real test for a man is when she's early 40's to about 55. Good luck!!


This is the even scarier part of this thread. I dont mean menopause, if thats what is implied here. Literally every one of my friends is divorced now, and two family members, and it happened in their mid to late 40's and in every single case the wife cheated. Its scary. It wasnt menopause in my opinion, it was more of a midlife crisis. Unless the two go hand in hand. You always hear about the stereotypical male midlife crisis, but its the female midlife crisis that killed every one of the failed marriages I have witnessed over the past 5-6 years (I'm 51). Going out with the girls, hitting the clubs, getting home late, flirting, texting other guys, dressing and acting like they are 22 again, etc. All's quite until they get into their 40's then watch out, here it comes. Started to see the same pattern with my own wife, I let it slide for a while but then I put my foot down because I saw all my friends marriages failing and saw where this was going. Looking back a few years she has finally admitted she was acting differently and even has said she understands what I was saying about her behavior (back then).

I'm not sure about the ring thing. My wife and I met very young, early teens, and were married at 25, and really in our case the ring and marriage didnt change much at all, if anything it made things better.



I believe the scientific terms is "Monkey-branching" aka Hypergamy.

 

[Smokescreen]

Originally Posted by ZeeOSix
You know how the saying goes: "Happy wife, happy life". She got you trained to put the toilet seat up? Maybe they should put it up after they're done, that makes more sense. How did that ritual ever get started?


The equal saying would be "happy spouse, happy house". Whomever made up the brainwashing saying you quoted was either a henpecked husband or a feminist woman...either way the intention is no where near equality in a relationship. When you ask a woman about my saying they usually concede it is more of a fair point of view.

The toilet seat is a user function, like a seat position in a car. When you go to use it, its up to you to configure it correctly. I leave it down after a sit down use and up after a stand up use, if you aren't smart enough to check before you use, you get your reward. Even in the dead of night half asleep I can check...it's not rocket science, but just another way society brainwashes men to submit to whims of domination.

Ask society this question: What is the female version of male chivalry?

 

[ZeeOSix]

Originally Posted by Smokescreen
Originally Posted by ZeeOSix
You know how the saying goes: "Happy wife, happy life".

The equal saying would be "happy spouse, happy house". Whomever made up the brainwashing saying you quoted was either a henpecked husband or a feminist woman...either way the intention is no where near equality in a relationship. When you ask a woman about my saying they usually concede it is more of a fair point of view.


I bet only about 1 out of 10 guys have heard of the latter saying. Sure it should be fair, but I'll bet there are way more guys bending over backwards to maintain a "happy" relationship/marriage, which only works for so long. Fairness and equality works, not having that doesn't work for very long unless one partner is happy with an unequal relationship.

Originally Posted by Smokescreen
The toilet seat is a user function, like a seat position in a car. When you go to use it, its up to you to configure it correctly. I leave it down after a sit down use and up after a stand up use, if you aren't smart enough to check before you use, you get your reward. Even in the dead of night half asleep I can check...it's not rocket science, but just another way society brainwashes men to submit to whims of domination.


Yep, whoever is going to use it then configure it before use, and the next user does the same ... not rocket science. But it's a big power move for some women to try and have control and domination in the relationship/marriage. If they're not on a pedestal they're not happy (aka, high maintenance). Stay far away from that.

 

[Shannow]

Originally Posted by AZjeff
Try this one out:

"So dear, you're saying washing is women's work? Fine by me."

Yeah, I don't have the stones either. Sorry to tell you mate but after the kids leave there's no one else to blame for anything...


Actually, we've got another twist on that...apparently there's "blue and pink" jobs...blue are things like yard work, and plumbing, pink are the washing, ironing, dishes, vacuuming etc.

In my system...they are all jobs.

So when I see two weeks worth of unfolded clothes, and need a shirt ironed to go to work in (which is reliably predictable, 5 days a week)...just like at work, step in to pick up the slack, and get the job done.

But no, that's actually a personal attack...on her abilities as a home keeper and mother.

I bought a back scratcher on Wednesday...it was like I'd brought home an extra marital affair.

 

[fdcg27]

I read threads like this and I have to wonder whether I'm a delusional fool or I really was very lucky to have found my wife of these past 35 years.
I have no idea whether she's become her mother since her mother had died before I met her, but we still have a good and enduring relationship and still enjoy one another.
I look around at all of the unhappily married folks as well as those who've divorced and I have to wonder what we got right and they got wrong.
A ring changed nothing between us. Children changed everything but in a good way and they're both all grown up and on there own now, with one son and his spouse having bequeathed us a grandson, a little ball of fire with the ginger locks of his mother, or my wife when she was younger.
Life can be very happy and congenial if both partners in a marriage let it be.
Life is too short to allow ill will to dominate one's view, but both partners in a marriage have to share this view for it to work.
I sometimes have to give and the same is true for my wife, but over time neither of us takes more than we give.

 

[ZeeOSix]

Originally Posted by Shannow
I bought a back scratcher on Wednesday...it was like I'd brought home an extra marital affair.

... just don't give it a female name.

 

[Silk]

Wait until the kids have left home and it's just the 2 of you. With no one left to mold in her image, the things you are doing wrong multiply.

The ring changed nothing - she seldom wears it, when she does it's silver and on the other hand. No name changes, no role changes. Choosing someone different from the herd has it's challenges.

 

[Cujet]

How did I miss this thread???? Oh well.

Great advice Shannow!

My father provided all the advice he could, and it was SPOT ON. I tend to listen to advice.

However, I never got any advice from my grandfathers. That was a shame. As "the change" was completely misunderstood by me.

I married a woman 4.5 years older, mature, responsible and self sufficient. But change came early and By the time I was 40, I might as well have been a catholic priest.

 

[DoubleWasp]

Never been married, but I've learned enough in my life to use great caution and care with my relationships.

A big part of that is the simple understanding that humans are humans, and many times there is no malicious intent involved, even if it can develop from one's confusion or frustration over how and why we humans do what we do.

I'd have to say the biggest difference between previous women and the one I am with now would be the self-awareness and the intelligence and will to either use that information in a positive way or simply realize that classic arcane human behavior is what's going on.

I try to do the same thing. It's not the easiest thing in the world to know without even looking at the man in the mirror what ones flaws and strengths truly truly are. Harder even then to apply that data out into the real world.

I'd say the biggest thing IMO is to never become the "opposition". I say this from just seeing so many bad relationships where this is clearly what happened by some means. Always somehow being on her side, and somehow keeping her on yours isn't always easy. But I do know that losing that bond is the beginning of the end.

Awareness and self-awareness really are key. Romance is a mind bending condition to be in. It can cloud, it can misrepresent, it can impress, it can do a lot of things we all don't intend. Keeping the eyes wide open is paramount.

 

[KrisZ]

Great advice indeed. I've been married for 14 years and counting...
Problem is that:
1) When we're young we don't listen to "old" people.
2) While we can judge the future looks based on their mother, their true character and behavior is not something we see everyday in their mothers, if ever. One has to have an excellent judge of character to do this. The rest of us are blind to this.
3) I'm sure lots of guys also turn into their fathers.

 

[Cujet]

Originally Posted by KrisZ

1) When we're young we don't listen to "old" people.
2) their true character and behavior is not something we see everyday in their mothers
3) I'm sure lots of guys also turn into their fathers.



I think Shannow's Points stand.

1) some of us do listen when young
2) mom does predict wife
3) men don't change much

 

[Pew]

Easy solution: don't get married

 

[aquariuscsm]

Originally Posted by Cujet
Originally Posted by KrisZ

1) When we're young we don't listen to "old" people.
2) their true character and behavior is not something we see everyday in their mothers
3) I'm sure lots of guys also turn into their fathers.



I think Shannow's Points stand.

1) some of us do listen when young
2) mom does predict wife
3) men don't change much


I agree. Shannow is always right on!

 

[Shannow]

Being right isn't by definition comfortable...neither was being miserable and always wrong...

Miss the kids bad...

 

[blupupher]

And after 27 years of marriage, I tell my wife when she is acting like here mom, which is not often, but does happen. And guess what, she either quits doing it or just shakes her head and mumbles about how she knows and does not like it. She does not get mad at me.
There are a lot of things I do not like about her mother, and my wife agrees on most of them. She always says she wishes her mom could be more like mine.
Only in the past 5-6 years have to two of them started getting closer, and probably have the best relationship they have ever had. She knows her mom is mean and not a very loving person (just the opposite of my wife), but I admit my MiL is getting a little better in some ways, but worse in others (partially due to dementia setting in and those thoughts that most of us have that we filter out, well, her filter is gone).

Originally Posted by ZeeOSix
You know how the saying goes: "Happy wife, happy life". She got you trained to put the toilet seat up? Maybe they should put it up after they're done, that makes more sense. How did that ritual ever get started?

I agree with the term "Happy wife, happy life". But not to the sense that she gets whatever she wants and I get nothing. I do everything I can (within reason) to make her happy, and she in return does the same.
We talk when things are not going as expected, and see what we each can do to improve it. Sometimes it is something we can work on, some things are just not under our control and we learn to get through it together. If she is not happy, then I am not happy because I want to see her be happy.

As for the toilet seat, my wife (and daughter) learned a long time ago that if you complain about the toilet seat being left up, then I will just never lift it and they can deal with that consequence. Their choice.

 

[Mr Nice]

Originally Posted by Red91
In other words, don't get married. If I had a dime for every unhappy married couple I've come across in my life, I'd have a lot of dimes. 🤣 seriously, I can do miserable all by myself.

Can't have kids by yourself....

 

[Shannow]

Originally Posted by Mr Nice
Originally Posted by Red91
In other words, don't get married. If I had a dime for every unhappy married couple I've come across in my life, I'd have a lot of dimes. 🤣 seriously, I can do miserable all by myself.

Can't have kids by yourself....



Yep, and when she walks out and takes them, it's devastating.

 

[Astro14]

Originally Posted by Shannow
Being right isn't by definition comfortable...neither was being miserable and always wrong...

Miss the kids bad...


"You can be right, or you can be happy"...often true. But not always the foundation of a successful strategy.

Tried that for 19 years with wife 1.0.

Still ended up miserable.

Wife 1.0 tried to keep kids from me, used them as leverage in the divorce. Now, over a decade later, the kids and I are very close. Her plan was selfish, manipulative and detrimental to them.

They saw right through it.

Wife 2.0 is awesome. Beautiful. Accomplished. Fun.

We're enjoying a long weekend in Coronado, CA. Having a great time together.

Hang in there, my friend. I've been where you are. It gets better.

I promise.

 

[JTK]

That's got to be the great thing about 2.0. As painful as the 1.0 had to be, you learned from it.

I've been with 1.0 for 30yrs and married 20. There's so much I wish I knew!

 

[Fawteen]

Originally Posted by Shannow
They become their mother...always.

So wanna see what they will be like in 25 years time ?

look at the mother.



Sorry pal, but you're wrong. My wife is nothing like her mother, and being from a smaller town I know a lot of ladies in church my age who are nothing like their mothers. After 35 years of marriage to the first, the one, and the only, I'm glad I married someone who didn't cause me to have that sorry, jaded, viewpoint. I do know a few guys who have that sort of view, and more than once I've looked right at 'em and told them that the problem was more with them than it was with her. I also have some very good friends (our closest) who have been married as long as we have (in some cases longer). Every one of them is in a very happy, healthy, relationship with a core centered around one of the subjects forbidden on here.