Need help. How to agree on spending decisions with wife.

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People don't let friends get married. It sucks. Both get old and ugly then you have to look at that ugly every day
 
Originally Posted by csandste
Wife #1 was bi-polar and almost bankrupted me. She died.
Wife #2 was married to a bi-polar who did bankrupt her. We kept separate accounts which worked well. We were also compatible financially. She died.
(note-both spouses died of natural causes-- didn't do anything violent to anyone).
Girlfriend lives six miles away. I can go home every night and be with the dog. We are both frugal but enjoy the same things-- travel, mostly.
She has a friend who strikes me as a sugar daddy seeking spendthrift. Woman has been in a half dozen relationships in the last five years. They all run away screaming and she can't figure out why.

I am dealing with a wife number 1 scenario. Divorced, paying child support, and living extremely lean on a good salary. Still paying off the 50k in credit card debt that was amassed living the lifestyle she thought she deserved to live, all while working very little. Very bi polar. One day I hate you, then next planning the rest of our lives together. Rinse, repeat.
While living on a tight budget kinda blows at 40. I am much happier and can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
 
Totally ,undeservedly, lucky in surviving 46 yrs of marriage. If mere money can preserve marital bliss....
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My ex-wife and I had a joint account and anytime I wanted to buy something, her answer was always "no" but it was okay for her to buy things. I finally said screw it and quit asking and bought anyway and usually hid my purchases when I could. It helped that I always did the bills. It's not a coarse that I would recommend but I was tired of always being told "no".

My long time fiancee and I have separate accounts. I pay my bills and she pays hers. I give her money for paying for things around the house but I don't ask her if I can spend money on things and she doesn't ask me if she can spend money. It works out great.
 
Finances are one of those things that should be discussed prior to the wedding date. My wife and I share everything and don't ever question the other's purchases. We have married friends who have separate everything and bicker about who's account certain bills will be paid from!
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My wife and I are frugal in some areas and frivolous in others. She likes to buy crafty things, things for the house and clothes for the family, but she doesn't spend much, doesn't demand fancy things and doesn't wear any jewelry, except for her Apple Watch, which I got for her, unasked, a few years ago.

Me? I tend to spend a lot more than she does, on gizmos, doodads and equipment. I like to buy some things in the mid-high tier and keep it forever; she gets that. She also understands that I save us a ton of money buy maintaining our things.

Heck, based on how many hours I work, she's been telling me that I deserve to buy a new WRX STI, if I want to. I think my days of spending that much on a vehicle are long gone, though!

Maybe I'm just lucky, but this doesn't seem like rocket surgery. Buy what you want, so long as it's affordable and justifiable. I think separate accounts for married folks is an absolutely terrible idea!
 
Originally Posted by gathermewool
I think separate accounts for married folks is an absolutely terrible idea!

It's not a terrible idea if these separate individual accounts are kept IN ADDITION to a shared account from which all the household bills get paid, and to which both spouses equally contribute.

If you want to buy something "for the household" that everyone will benefit from, you discuss this with your spouse in advance and then pay for it with the shared account. But if you buy something that only you will benefit from, then you pay for it with your personal account.

This assumes that both spouses generate decent amount of income.
 
You guys should be able to discuss and agree with large purchases. $100 and under probably not unless it's a regular thing.
 
Come on $100. bucks is nothing to get excited about, let her have her way, friend of mine has separate accounts with his wife and it's always, give me your half!
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Originally Posted by aquariuscsm
What's hers is hers and what's yours is hers :^D



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Each partner needs disposable income. If the wife has all the disposable income, and spends all the disposable income, the husband is going to feel jaded.

Perhaps have three accounts, the main account to pay all the bills, and a his and hers disposable income account. You can spend your own money on whatever you feel like, without having to seek "permission". She can buy handbags and shoes or whatever without feeling guilty.

We just have one account. Works for us. All the money goes in, we both spend what we want. I raise my eyebrows at some of her purchases, and she raises her eyebrows at some of my purchases, but we both agree not to give each other a hard time and just accept that we both choose to spend our "disposable" income as we wish.
 
Become the sole income earner! J/k, well sort of. Luckily my wife has a very frugal personality, but in a pinch there's always the "I work full time and put in overtime" card I can play if necessary. Playing that card will usually yield the "then you pay for daycare" argument, but most times she relents.

I use checking account w/ direct deposit to pay bills. For spending money we each have a low limit (deliberate, few hundred bucks each) credit card which is essentially our "disposable income". The limit is low enough that the balance can be paid in full each month within our budget for disposable income. If I notice we're spending too much or money might be tight in a given month, a quick "hey we have to cut back a bit this month" usually works without too much drama. Using a credit card also gives us cash back on all our purchases and the low limit helps immensely to cut down on individual overspending.
 
Originally Posted by Quattro Pete
Separate accounts.


Exactly. I don't tell her what to do with her money and she does't tell me what to do with mine. Never understood why some people need to "ask permission" from their other half in order to spend their own money.
 
The basic way (worked for my parents for 60 years) is to split the bills (may not be 50/50) but then each should set aside some play money to do what they want with.

If your wife wants to spend $100 on fancy shoes then let her and say they look nice. She won't complain when you buy a $50 filter cutter. That assumes the basic bills are being paid and this is extra money.
 
Originally Posted by xxch4osxx
Originally Posted by Quattro Pete
Separate accounts.


Exactly. I don't tell her what to do with her money and she does't tell me what to do with mine. Never understood why some people need to "ask permission" from their other half in order to spend their own money.

It's called a team.
 
Originally Posted by hatt
Originally Posted by xxch4osxx
Originally Posted by Quattro Pete
Separate accounts.


Exactly. I don't tell her what to do with her money and she does't tell me what to do with mine. Never understood why some people need to "ask permission" from their other half in order to spend their own money.

It's called a team.


We are a team without needing to ask "permission"
 
Originally Posted by xxch4osxx
Originally Posted by hatt
Originally Posted by xxch4osxx
Originally Posted by Quattro Pete
Separate accounts.


Exactly. I don't tell her what to do with her money and she does't tell me what to do with mine. Never understood why some people need to "ask permission" from their other half in order to spend their own money.

It's called a team.


We are a team without needing to ask "permission"

LOL. So you're not a team at all. If getting together on large purchases is asking permission obviously you guys aren't all that connected.
 
Originally Posted by Quattro Pete
Originally Posted by gathermewool
I think separate accounts for married folks is an absolutely terrible idea!

It's not a terrible idea if these separate individual accounts are kept IN ADDITION to a shared account from which all the household bills get paid, and to which both spouses equally contribute.

If you want to buy something "for the household" that everyone will benefit from, you discuss this with your spouse in advance and then pay for it with the shared account. But if you buy something that only you will benefit from, then you pay for it with your personal account.

This assumes that both spouses generate decent amount of income.


I don't understand. Any argument for separate accounts is, in essence, an argument against consolidating resources and working as a true partnership. If partners consider themselves equals, then what does it matter who contributes more? The assets of a couple should literally belong to...the couple.

My wife has one independent credit card, so that she can maintain a semblance of autonomy, but we both know who buys what and when each bill is due. 99% of purchases use common credit/checking accounts. To maintain vastly separate accounts seems foolish.

If there are secrets, comparisons of who makes more or questions about who is spending how much money, then something is WRONG!
 
Originally Posted by hatt

LOL. So you're not a team at all. If getting together on large purchases is asking permission obviously you guys aren't all that connected.


+1
 
LOL. So you're not a team at all. If getting together on large purchases is asking permission obviously you guys aren't all that connected. [/quote]

Thats your opinion, doesn't make it fact.
 
Originally Posted by xxch4osxx

LOL. So you're not a team at all. If getting together on large purchases is asking permission obviously you guys aren't all that connected.


Thats your opinion, doesn't make it fact. [/quote]
Where does it stop? If you wife comes home unannounced with a new Audi A8 that's cool?
 
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