Filing for divorce

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Been married for 5 years, started out good, went bad, tried to save it but it appears we are unable to. We don't have any children together (thank goodness). About a month ago, we both agreed that our relationship is toxic and it's best we divorce. We both have attorneys but haven't pulled the trigger on filing. Well, after today, I'm filing 1st thing tomorrow. We cannot go 60 seconds w out arguing. She's convinced that I'm 100% at fault and only I have to change. (I accept responsibility for my part of this toxic marriage but no way am I 100%). This is my 1st and most likely only marriage. It's her 3rd. At first I was embarrassed and felt like a failure but after this passed month, I think I've made peace w parting ways. I know this process sucks, expensive, emotional roller coaster, and is life changing, not looking fwd to it, but we both deserve to be happy(apart). I have 2 buddies that recently got divorced after 20 yrs of marriage and multiple children, so my situation is chump change compared to theirs. Both say that I'll be okay after the initial hurt and just take the time to heal. Any other advice is appreciated.
 
I was going to say Lawyer Up, however you already have one. Hopefully he/she is good. And FILE FIRST.

Since you don't have kids, this SHOULD be a fast transaction. Don't let the attorneys milk both of you dry by dragging it out.

Get it done.
 
2 previous marriages should have been huge red flag. My advice is to brush up your game. Look for warning signs women are great pretenders. Start reading up on the various personality disorders especially the cluster B disorders. Work out take care of yourself.

https://www.avoiceformen.com
 
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Sorry to see this. It really is a shoddy deal. The only advice I can give you is that no matter how well it does or does not work out, do yourself a HUGE favor and just let everything go. There is little I hate to see more than a man who is (understandably) bitter about their losses from a divorce. It doesn't help them. At all. A good friend of mine just lost $7 million in his divorce, and he is one of the rare breed who truly just sat down, wrote the check, and walked away leaving all of the drama and loss behind him.

I have never been married, but I have had relationships with regrettable consequences.

Do anything and everything you must to protect yourself, but once all options have been taken, just walk away physically and mentally.

Don't make rash decisions or predictions about your future either. You're smart enough that you don't have to make barricades for yourself.
 
^^^Excellent advice. Many of my friends still fight with their ex years later. My FIL has to write an INCREASING check every year to his ex because he couldn't bear to just take the hit and walk away.

No one wants a divorce, but sometimes you simply have to. It can still be amicable, and you can't get caught up over money and material things!
 
The previously divorced bit you should stay away from, especially if you never married before. Kinda like a lemon car, fix away but it's ultimately a money pit. One divorce tops and ONLY if she has solid career/life and doesn't rely on ex.

Nothing material is worth your health and well being. If you have those two you can always make more. You can keep fighting over the material, but if you lose the previous two the doctors will eat it all anyways.

Detach cleanly, don't look back, don't be friends, don't be in a rush to find another one or you get one just like her again! Toxic women can smell their next victim from a mile away...

Brush up on some Buddhist literature. A lot of wisdom to deal with detaching yourself from material world and negative emotions/ people.
 
Unless you plan on having kids next time its just better to rent you are very lucky she didn't produce an insurance policy with you (kid). Never kid yourself again they are just like buying a new car they don't last forever.
 
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Divorce is a pain for sure. My first marriage lasted 6 years. That ended in 1991. We had three kiddos together and I paid child support for over 18 years. It was a bitter divorce and very tough on me.
I stayed single for 15 years before I remarried. My Ex is still single. Go figure! She has "Control Issues". I have been happily married to my current Wife for 16 years. We never argue and life is very pleasant
for us. You will get over this after time. Try not to let it get you down. Stay busy and get plenty of exercise. It will help keep your mind off of it.
 
Sorry to hear it, but it also seems like both of you just need to move on.
One of the wisest short quotes I have heard for life in general may especially apply here...from No Country For Old Men, think it is the same in the book and movie.

"Well, all the time ya spend trying to get back what's been took from ya, more is going out the door. After a while you just have to try to get a tourniquet on it."

This isn't made clear in the movie, but Ellis is referring both to the criminal who shot him and put him in a wheelchair as well as the woman who left him because he became a cripple in the book.
 
If you're filing, then be certain to move your checking/savings and other assets that might have her name on them to a new account. Close any joint credit cards/lines of credit immediately. Place any items of value somewhere that she can't reach them. Guns, family heirlooms, your tools, anything that you would like to keep. If she thinks it's valuable, then it's at risk.

No kids makes for a pretty simple process - split the assets, move on.

But, in the next few months, all her friends will give her "good advice" - and one of those bits of advice will be "possession is 9/10 of the law". My ex cleaned out my checking account while I was out flying. I had my checkbook, she called the bank, gave them a sob story, and even though I had told the bank to take her off, they sent her the entire balance because her name was still on the account. She also had the entire house cleaned out when I was out flying. I came home to an empty house. She had it all placed in a friend's barn. I got to keep the things that she deigned, a few trinkets...and she kept family heirlooms, all the furniture, including those pieces that I had made, all the household items, everything, including childhood possessions of mine, claiming "that was a gift to me from your parents" - and because it was all out of the house, I couldn't get it back.

Ever.

Move your stuff to where it can't be accessed. The relationship is already toxic, so nothing will stop her from grabbing things for both her personal gain, and to "punish" you.
 
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You know what needs to happen so just follow through. My first marriage lasted 4 years and I am 24 years into my second one. My ex wife is currently on her 5th marriage. Add that up. However I still have a great relationship with my ex mil and fil. Heck me and my wife tailgate with them all the time. I had a child by my first wife and was determined to keep things civil for my daughters sake and am proud to say I did so.
Move on and dont look back because when you look back you may miss something in front of you. Good luck.
 
Live and learn my friend. Sucks. Just no other way to put it. Divorced once, with a child, long time ago. Would have been divorced again for sure, had I not just opened up my past to her. Long story short, she knew I had a son but lived 8000 miles away. Right before I was going to ask her to marry me, I said at some point my son may or may not want to visit me and maybe stay at the house for a few days, or maybe even live her. She said...no way....he'll never be allowed in our house and I don't ever want to meet him. Egads....freaked me out. Well, I wasn't about to throw that chance with my son away because of her, so we split after 2 years. Ouch, still hurts. Anyway, my point is this, next time around put everything on the table and watch her reaction. One thing my dad taught me, been divorced 4 times, was to just block it out. Focus on work and work you butt off. Stay busy....lay off the booze if you drink, only a temporary feeling and you are NOT ten feet tall and bullet proof. Start writing down all your joint property. Don't have to cave in and give her everything...I mean....all those pots/pans/dishes/towels, etc. etc. cost money too. Keep your pride in check. You are still a man.
 
Never ever get involved in another relationship while the divorce is pending. Wait until the divorce decree is signed, sealed, and delivered and then you can start a new relationship. Don't let a divorce keeps you from getting married again, but make sure you roommate with your future girlfriend at least a year or two before deciding to tie the knot.
 
Originally Posted by Astro14
If you're filing, then be certain to move your checking/savings and other assets that might have her name on them to a new account. Close any joint credit cards/lines of credit immediately. Place any items of value somewhere that she can't reach them. Guns, family heirlooms, your tools, anything that you would like to keep. If she thinks it's valuable, then it's at risk.

No kids makes for a pretty simple process - split the assets, move on.

But, in the next few months, all her friends will give her "good advice" - and one of those bits of advice will be "possession is 9/10 of the law". My ex cleaned out my checking account while I was out flying. I had my checkbook, she called the bank, gave them a sob story, and even though I had told the bank to take her off, they sent her the entire balance because her name was still on the account. She also had the entire house cleaned out when I was out flying. I came home to an empty house. She had it all placed in a friend's barn. I got to keep the things that she deigned, a few trinkets...and she kept family heirlooms, all the furniture, including those pieces that I had made, all the household items, everything, including childhood possessions of mine, claiming "that was a gift to me from your parents" - and because it was all out of the house, I couldn't get it back.

Ever.

Move your stuff to where it can't be accessed. The relationship is already toxic, so nothing will stop her from grabbing things for both her personal gain, and to "punish" you.


Family heirlooms, childhood possessions and furniture you made.....that's cold as ice! I know that in foreclosure tools are off limits because they are your livelihood. I'm not sure how that applies if you don't wrench for a living, or if you are a mechanic by trade with a huge wood shop at home.

I watch Dave Ramsey on Youtube and he always says you should try to be as civil as possible, the lawyers get more and more of both of your money if you want to act tough.
 
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Max - She was far worse than just the personal possessions, "cold as ice" doesn't begin to describe it...it would take a couple beers to tell you the whole story.

But in response to the OP, I was merely offering an example of how money and property can "disappear" very, very quickly and permanently. Since my profession doesn't require tools, they weren't exempted from her adverse possession...and I never got any of my possessions, or the money from my checking account, back... gone for ever. All of it. It included so many things...

E.G. a child's chair (windsor style, high chair for a child to sit at a table) that was my mother's, then mine, and that my children used, that she still has. If it hasn't been disposed of, at this point, the only hope is for her future death, when it will go to one of my children. Sooner, would be my hope, rather than later...anyway...

Best to move first to protect your bank account(s), credit cards, and personal property.

Dave Ramsey is right. However my ex wanted to fight. It wasn't about what made sense, or was practical, it was about "winning" and punishing me. I spent nearly $50,000 on attorney's fees. I suspect that she spent similar. At issue was always my ability to see the children. Having children gave my ex incredible leverage over the situation.

In that regard, the OP is lucky.
 
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Originally Posted by georgemiller
2 previous marriages should have been huge red flag. My advice is to brush up your game. Look for warning signs women are great pretenders. Start reading up on the various personality disorders especially the cluster B disorders. Work out take care of yourself.

https://www.avoiceformen.com


Men can be great pretenders too. Just ask my Mom.
 
She was married 3 times? And of course not once was it her fault. Get out....find a way to do it without the lawyers if possible.
 
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