Gift giving \ receiving etiquette

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When giving a gift to someone, is it fair for the gift giver to have expectations as to how the gift is to be used?
Likewise does the gift recipient have an obligation to the giver?
In other words if I give billybob a flashlight is billybob "allowed" to do whatever the [censored] he wants with it?

Several years ago I gave my now wife an ipod, that she wanted, not something I got her that she had no use for. Several months or a year later after visiting with her family she came back without the iPod. Her younger brother, an adult of working age who was currently employed somehow was using it now because he didn't have a phone to communicate with. The plan was he was going to buy whatwver phone waa about to be released at the time then shed get the iPod back. Months passed by I kind of forgot about it but then brought up what's up with her ipod. It ended up probably being a good two years before I got [censored] enough that I made her ask for it back. She still didn't really understand where I was coming from. In her eyes I gave her the item and so it shouldn't matter to me what she does with it (not exact words)
Opinions? Quite a few people I've spoken to feel its for the recipient to do as they please.

Related to the subject, my mom will for example have clothes given to her from years ago. She hasnt worn them in years but will refuse to give them away because X person gave it to her. If Y person goes to her house she puts on the shirt Y person got her. If person Z comes over she uses the pot person Z bought her even if its buried in the back or the cabinet.

Surely theres a happy medium?
 
It's a gift.

The purpose of a gift is to make the person receiving the gift happy. It doesn't need to be read into any farther than that, and when it is, a gift can often become a burden.
 
Gifts don't come with strings attached. Except... I was gifted golf clubs when I was young. They were hand me downs. There were a string of 4 men/boys. I was the youngest/poorest. When the top guy bought new clubs the old clubs got passed down. So, basically, when Mr. R. bought new clubs we all moved up a set. I continue that tradition and will gift a used golf club to a friend with the stipulation that he can't sell it when he no longer wants it. He has to gift it to someone else.
 
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Once you give something, you have no more control over it. Nor should you.
 
Whatever they do with it is their deal.

But perhaps if you keep buying things for someone that they end up giving them away or selling them, maybe change your habits on what you buy them or how often etc.
 
"It depends".

If a coworker gives me tools to get me started, I feel obligated to return them when I no longer need them, or to ask him if he knew anyone else who needed them. Similarly a cousin gave my then-3-year-old a huge box of "Thomas the Tank Engine" toys which we then passed on to another kid when he outgrew them.

If my wife gives me a shirt, it's a consumable item and mine to destroy.

An ipod goes obsolete fairly quickly, but also is very expensive. It kind of walks the line between these two scenarios.
 
In my way of thinking, I would ask the person who gave me the expensive give if they would mind or be upset if I gave it away or loaned it. I think that is the proper why to show respect to the gift giver. To just give it away is completely rude. Ed
 
You sound like a controlling jerk.

Originally Posted By: Walmill
When giving a gift to someone, is it fair for the gift giver to have expectations as to how the gift is to be used?
Likewise does the gift recipient have an obligation to the giver?
In other words if I give billybob a flashlight is billybob "allowed" to do whatever the [censored] he wants with it?

Several years ago I gave my now wife an ipod, that she wanted, not something I got her that she had no use for. Several months or a year later after visiting with her family she came back without the iPod. Her younger brother, an adult of working age who was currently employed somehow was using it now because he didn't have a phone to communicate with. The plan was he was going to buy whatwver phone waa about to be released at the time then shed get the iPod back. Months passed by I kind of forgot about it but then brought up what's up with her ipod. It ended up probably being a good two years before I got [censored] enough that I made her ask for it back. She still didn't really understand where I was coming from. In her eyes I gave her the item and so it shouldn't matter to me what she does with it (not exact words)
Opinions? Quite a few people I've spoken to feel its for the recipient to do as they please.

Related to the subject, my mom will for example have clothes given to her from years ago. She hasnt worn them in years but will refuse to give them away because X person gave it to her. If Y person goes to her house she puts on the shirt Y person got her. If person Z comes over she uses the pot person Z bought her even if its buried in the back or the cabinet.

Surely theres a happy medium?
 
I can relate to the OP. He gave a nice expensive gift to his wife for her use. He did not spend all that money for her to gift it to her brother. He likely would NOT have spent that much money on the brother, so he is ticked off about it.

I think the OP has a valid argument here.

If I buy something for my wife, I sure dont want her re-gifting it to her lazy brother.
 
Originally Posted By: Uregina09
You sound like a controlling jerk.


Agreed.

I certainly would not want to be married to OP if that's how he treated me and the things he gave me.
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Was it a gift or a loan? OP is treating it as a loan. If it's a gift, it's up to the receiver to do whatever they like with it, the original giver has no say in the matter because the current owner of the gift is the rightful owner so the owner can do whatever they like.

I know some of my gifts are appreciated and some gifts that I know that I'm giving to someone they will destroy it or lose it within a few months. But I have no use of it so I give them away knowing full well that it will likely be lost or destroyed in short order, but at least I know it'll get some use of it before that happens so I feel that's better than letting it sit in one spot and age away unused.
 
Originally Posted By: Uregina09
You sound like a controlling jerk.

Originally Posted By: Walmill
When giving a gift to someone, is it fair for the gift giver to have expectations as to how the gift is to be used?
Likewise does the gift recipient have an obligation to the giver?
In other words if I give billybob a flashlight is billybob "allowed" to do whatever the [censored] he wants with it?

Several years ago I gave my now wife an ipod, that she wanted, not something I got her that she had no use for. Several months or a year later after visiting with her family she came back without the iPod. Her younger brother, an adult of working age who was currently employed somehow was using it now because he didn't have a phone to communicate with. The plan was he was going to buy whatwver phone waa about to be released at the time then shed get the iPod back. Months passed by I kind of forgot about it but then brought up what's up with her ipod. It ended up probably being a good two years before I got [censored] enough that I made her ask for it back. She still didn't really understand where I was coming from. In her eyes I gave her the item and so it shouldn't matter to me what she does with it (not exact words)
Opinions? Quite a few people I've spoken to feel its for the recipient to do as they please.

Related to the subject, my mom will for example have clothes given to her from years ago. She hasnt worn them in years but will refuse to give them away because X person gave it to her. If Y person goes to her house she puts on the shirt Y person got her. If person Z comes over she uses the pot person Z bought her even if its buried in the back or the cabinet.

Surely theres a happy medium?


Give him back his ipod dude!
 
A gift is a gift. Your job as a giver is to choose appropriate gifts the recipient will want to use and enjoy. (Some people can't even pull that off, so you're doing well so far).

But your "ownership" of the gift ends the moment you offer it. If it comes with an obligation of any kind, it's not a gift.

Apparently (I've never tried to confirm this) the Jewish Religion has a hierarchy when it comes to giving; the least valuable gift as far as being a good example is one where the giver and the recipient know each other and know what the gift is. The greatest gift is where the giver doesn't know the recipient and the recipient doesn't know whom it came from.
 
A gift is a gift. Once given it belongs to the recipient to do with as he/she pleases.

In other words, you wife is 100% right here.
 
I would be happy if I gave someone something, and after getting good use out of it, they gave it to someone else who needed it. A gift that keeps giving - a win/win in my book.
 
I'd be frustrated that she didn't get it back in a timely manner and was taken advantage of by her own brother, but then again if she doesn't care, I guess neither should you.

I'm thankful my significant other and I think alike for situations such as this.
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Originally Posted By: Silk
I would be happy if I gave someone something, and after getting good use out of it, they gave it to someone else who needed it. A gift that keeps giving - a win/win in my book.

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