difficult elderly parents...

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Hello BITOGers.

Do you have a story of getting/convincing difficult/stubborn elderly parents to do something?

Either trough your un-conventional approach or just simply finding somebody in the family they listen to?

I'm out of options/ideas at this point and still regarded as the black sheep.
And as the Son-In-Law, I'm at the point I don't want either my wife or my kids closer to them for safety reasons...

Thank you for your 2 bits, serious or not.

with a heavy heart, pandus13
 
I’m curious what you want them to do.

If my son in law was directing me to do something I didn’t like, I might refuse.

If his request is unreasonable, then he would actually be the difficult one, not me.

And safety? Really?

You’re going to have to explain that one, too.
 
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Old people have rights too. You and your wife have control over your family and. Your FIL and MIL have likewise control over themselves. I see no point to your question.
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My parents are deceased. They were the most stubborn people I have ever encountered. The only way I could convince them of anything is if I could demonstrate, in actual figures, how it would save them money.
 
the FIL is a retired 72 years old, kind off self sufficient, still green, still lucid (most of the time).
Me and wife, youngest in the family, but 5,000 miles from him.
call weekly or twice a week to check on him.
He managed to alienate all the close friends , so we are out of who to ask to keep an eye on him.
He had a heart attack about 2 years ago, got 2 stents.
Find out last year he didn't take most of his medicine, does not eat the right stuff (he also has some stomach trouble).
About a year ago both the daughters (SIL and my wife) got together and renovated his apartment so he at least has a new, clean and functional place to live.

The "thing" we want from him is for us (on our money) to hire a lady/maid to come cleaning regularly and cook for him.
He does not want to permit anybody and he only wants us there including us leaving everything we have here to go take care of him.
Of course no matter what I say is null/none/pfft

The safety thing is based on 2 experiences:
first, him at heart attack:
-my wife flies there with first available flight, got him to better/competent hospital, take care of the 2 stents operation, get him home and she wants to start the good daughter thing and take care of him.
-he locks the doors, does not give her a key, so basically she cannot buy any food or supply to clean up the apartment (he's alone, and not really good or cooking or cleaning)
-lot of yelling, yadda yadda, why did you married this guy, and so on and on. Let's just say she was really glad to be home when she left him in better health after 2 weeks
second, last year, her and SIL renovate his apartment and go there to help with cleaning + direction to construction crew.
-well again, yelling, yadda yadda, plus some luggage thrown thru the house when my wife wanted to leave since she was tired of being subjected to this while also having ours kids with her to visit grandpa. also some coarse language for the kids to hear.
-of course he also tries to lock everybody out, nobody is leaving, you do not go anywhere, finally fixed when cell pickup and "I will call the police if you don't open the door"

sorry of all the details, but I don't want anything from him. i don't care if he likes me.
what I want for him is to live in a clean, functioning place, with good/healthy food and to make sure even if he does not take his medicine, at least he goes to his family and specialist medic practitioner regularly.
 
Originally Posted By: Blkstanger
Maybe they are right on the subject and YOU are wrong.

Thank you for your response.
Like I said, I appreciate any take on the subject.
 
Originally Posted By: John_K
My parents are deceased. They were the most stubborn people I have ever encountered. The only way I could convince them of anything is if I could demonstrate, in actual figures, how it would save them money.

Thank you.
He is really a scrooge.
We renovated his place on our dime. I considered the good thing to to for him in his age.
 
Originally Posted By: Al
Old people have rights too. You and your wife have control over your family and. Your FIL and MIL have likewise control over themselves. I see no point to your question.
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AL,
I consider you a really level-headed guy.

MIL is gone, many years ago.

I don't want to take control of anything for or from him.
I just want for him:
-a clean/functional/functioning place to leave
-good nutrition
-to make sure he takes his medication
-to make sure he does his health checkups with the family and specialist (cardiologist)
 
Astro14,
I hope I answer some in my long post.
I appreciate your take, coming from somebody who deals with customers all day long and your previous position as the mother and father of everybody in the USN.
 
With my dad (r.i.p) we had to enlist the aid of his MD to pen a letter/form from DMV to revoke his driving privileges at age 88. Vision deficits, hearing deficits, and developing cognitive deficits. His Doctor was very good about it and told my brother (r.i.p.) and I cheerfully, "Let him direct his anger at me, I'm used to taking the heat for these things, part of my job!" That was step 1 in convincing dad it was time to move out of his apartment (after mom's death and sold the old family home) and into an assisted community, where they have senior transportation and general help available. He begrudgingly agreed. he was never really happy in the assisted community but he was falling too often and having to call my brother or call me who would then call each other and take turns on which of us went which time to go all the way across the county to his apt to help him. When he started pressing his Life Alert more often, and hitting other parked vehicles in the VFW lot more often, including running over and dragging a newspaper dispenser box and dragging it a block and half down the street before he realized it was pinned under his Chevy Colorado truck, it was then that it was time for him to stop driving. Actually should have before all that but it was what it was. we're lucky he didn't hurt himself or others and we waited too long, in hindsight.

My advice if you're trying to nudge them towards an assisted community is work on pulling the driver licenses first, through their MD penning a DMV form, if in fact they're no longer safe to drive. Then if they're having brief hospital stays on account of falls or chronic health problems, discuss with their MD that the family is leaning toward them being discharged to rehab/assisted facility before home. Then from the assisted facility you can work with the social services person to try and get options for long term placement somewhere nice for them. The hospital also will have a social services person to discuss these things with. It's a tough thing to have to do when they refuse to recognize their own deficits and their own failing health and how it is putting them at further risk and also putting too much burden on their loved ones.
 
NormanBuntz makes a good suggestion, but it may take a really creative approach to warm him up to the idea. Perhaps mentioning the alternative ie sticking him in a 'facility' might be compelling enough?
 
I am also an elderly parent/grandparent and great-grandparent and my experience on all things is greater than some 50 year old kids-right? There is always the the SERENITY PAYER. Ed
 
Sounds like my very elderly mother in some ways. We can talk to her into we are blue in the face, and have done so on many, many occasions over the past 7 years since my father passed. She refuses. Period. It ain't going to happen as she has been and I expect to be steadfast in her refusal right up to her dying day..

Her, I and the rest of the family just have to live with it.
 
Sorry pandus.. tough spot to be in. I see myself in your situation in a few years.

Best of luck.
 
I used to be a family physician, with many elderly patients. A few key safety issues that would concern me are: (1) leaving burners on, (2) wandering outside, especially in cold or hot weather while inappropriately dressed, (3) getting lost in apparently familiar areas, (4) repeated significant driving errors, (5) driving combined with intermittent unpredictable incapacity. There are likely many others but that should give you an idea of the kinds of issues that would concern me. These come down to a direct risk to themselves or to others.

From your description it sounds like you have in-laws who want to live the way they want to live and aren't hurting anyone but (potentially) themselves. Patients who don't follow their doctor's advice are pretty common and not just among the elderly (and 72 isn't elderly - you had to be 95 or older to be considered "old" in my former practice).

I'd let him be. Maintain appropriate family relationships and leave it at that. But keep an eye on the situation. If he becomes a risk to himself or others there will be a legal basis for a declaration of incapacity.

My mother preferred to do without dish detergent, never seemed to have much to eat in her refrigerator, had a grubby apartment but refused home care, wouldn't accept meals delivered to her apartment, etc. And died (at age 92) the same day she was told she could no longer live alone. She lived the way she wanted.
 
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