Mental health VS Daily lifefamilymarriage struggle

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Hi there,

Ok I’m getting a bit personal here, but I’m looking for anything you might say after reading this.

First, I have a depressive background since I was 5yo. Wasn’t aware at this moment, but it’s obvious now that I look back. That said, I went though 3 years of therapy, psychology and psychiatry. I feel really better now, but...

My life has changed. In my 20s, I used to enjoy hanging out with friends, motorcycle rides, car joyrides, listening music, making some, I had many hobbies.

Now I’m 30, I’m married, have a 2yo son with my wife who already have a now 6yo daughter. I work as an IT MSP and enjoy what I do. Family life is hard because constantly being in a underlying war with the daughter, wife avoiding intimacy with me, coming up with various reasons day after day. Not having time to do what I loved to, barely see friends, motorcycle barely 1 time every 2 weeks, well... I’m trying everything I can to make it (family life) right but I feel alone, it’s like it will never happen, still I hope.

Although I’d probably be better somewhere else doing something else with someone else, divorce isn’t an option for now, first I love my wife, second we have a son. So I try to accept and deal with it but... I’m tired.
 
Pretty common story.

Most of these issues are communication based, even the issue with the daughter.

You're talking about your marriage on a website about motor oil. Why are you not talking to your wife? Is this something that doesn't happen? Would approaching your wife feel abnormal?

What stopped you from doing the things you enjoy? It wasn't having children. It was something else.
 
I'm sure you have good doctors, but you might want to double check both testosterone levels and thyroid levels. Both can cause exactly the symptoms you describe if those levels are sub-optimal. I'd be happy to PM you my story if you'd like. Let's put it this way, your health, confidence, physical prowess, the way you dress, testosterone level and so on all affect how others treat you. Remember, others, from your friends, to your boss and your mate, may not want time with you if you are sub-optimal, as the attraction is lost. The confidence that comes with testosterone, ability that comes with intelligence and capability that comes with physical conditioning are very important to a man's well being. Only you have control over these things.
 
Originally Posted By: DemoFly
Why are you not talking to your wife? Is this something that doesn't happen? Would approaching your wife feel abnormal?

What stopped you from doing the things you enjoy? It wasn't having children. It was something else.


I promise talking with the wife won't help. BTDT. One cannot talk a spouse into attraction.

Oh, and doing the manly things you like (dirt bikes/motorcycles, flying, fast boats, race cars, etc) is an absolute imperative. Women may complain about such hobbies, but they will lose respect for you for giving them up, or not having them at all.
 
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In addition to what Cujet stated, I cannot stress enough to have vitamin D levels checked in the winter months. Especially if you do not get a lot of sun exposure.
 
You need to talk to your wife. A frank, honest, discussion about how each of you is feeling will do much to enlighten both of you to the reasons for the others actions. There are probably unmet expectations on both sides of this equation. Most times when women withhold intimacy, it's because they feel unloved. And conversely, when a man feels disrespected, he withholds love. It's a vicious cycle. And then we add in the stressors of kids and money and the cycle accelerates.

I encourage you to begin by removing divorce as an option from the table; that should be an absolute final option, and definitely not a tool to be used in any discussion. Marriage is not easy, it's work. And having young kids puts tremendous stress on any marriage. But also don't forget that you are in a season of life that will pass. They will grow up and move on with their lives.

I also encourage you all to seek counsel. That may be in the form of marriage counseling, or simply finding a support system of people who are in a similar season of life with whom you can share your frustrations and successes.

You also mentioned your depressive history, it may be a good idea for you to ask your doctor if an anti-depressant may be helpful, at least short term.

All that said, communicate with your wife, what you all saw in each other that caused you to marry is still there. Life's just complicating things like it does for all of us.
 
Wow thanks all for the insights. Cujet, I’ll be more than thankful to chat with you.

Maybe I don’t have enough willpower to make myself feel/look right rather than focusing on getting my relationship right. It can’t really work the way I’m doing, uh?
 
This is why many men go thru a mid life crisis.

Man must have hobbies period. If it's working out at the gym, bike riding, martial arts, cars etc. You slowly drifted away from who you we're and now must reclaim it back. Start taking some "ME" time by getting back into what you enjoy. Talk to your wife if she starts complaining about your new interest in the hobbies you enjoyed before you married her. Communication is the key and if she can't understand your need for hobbies that's her problem not yours. Don't miss your children's events do to your hobbies but work them around family life.

Some women are very manipulative and like to pout if men take time for themselves. Don't put up with it, keep your life in balance. You deserve to be happy. Every man goes thru this.
 
Originally Posted By: Veilside

I also encourage you all to seek counsel. That may be in the form of marriage counseling,


We tried 1 year ago. She gave up 20 minutes before the 4th session. I went alone. Let alone what I heard from the therapist then...
 
If the wife doesn't want to go see a psychologist or counselor then maybe you should keep going alone. Find out about you and what makes you happy and start putting boundary's up so you're spouse can't walk all over you.

Your wife probably quit counseling because she didn't like what she was hearing. Again that's her problem not yours. Focus on yourself, you can't change people.
 
I’m surprised no has mentioned it, but what is the “underlying war” with the daughter/wife about? I promise you getting into a war with your wife's 6 year old daughter is not a path to happiness.

While I agree that you need to make time to do somethings you enjoy, it is a simple fact of life that marriage and children bring responsibilities.
 
Originally Posted By: DuckRyder
I’m surprised no has mentioned it, but what is the “underlying war” with the daughter/wife about? I promise you getting into a war with your wife's 6 year old daughter is not a path to happiness.

While I agree that you need to make time to do somethings you enjoy, it is a simple fact of life that marriage and children bring responsibilities.

+1
 
Originally Posted By: Superflan
Originally Posted By: Veilside

I also encourage you all to seek counsel. That may be in the form of marriage counseling,


We tried 1 year ago. She gave up 20 minutes before the 4th session. I went alone. Let alone what I heard from the therapist then...


That's unusual, typically it's the guy that will not/does not want to go.
 
Originally Posted By: DuckRyder
I’m surprised no has mentioned it, but what is the “underlying war” with the daughter/wife about? I promise you getting into a war with your wife's 6 year old daughter is not a path to happiness.

While I agree that you need to make time to do somethings you enjoy, it is a simple fact of life that marriage and children bring responsibilities.


I immediately saw that but didn't want to bring up subject about daughter.

Of course mom will naturally defend her daughter...
 
You need a physical hobby that gives you a sense of self worth . IT (or any service industry work) can be mentally draining. After a rough day at the office I come home and play with one of my junk vehicles in my garage. Or swing some hammers on my junk house. On the weekend ill go off roading or do something constructive.
 
I would also talk to your family doctor. There are drugs that can help that your doctor can prescribe. Paxil is one. I am not talking about a benzo like Xanax. But your doctor can figure it out. May take a few weeks to help.
 
I can't comment on the marriage aspect of your life, but certainly can share with you some other concerns you've outlined. PM me to chat...
 
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