Need Help! Tombstone

[AirgunSavant]

My father is in a nice graveyard in the country next to the Faihill Horse track
training center. Its tombstone time- nearing the setting of such.

As you folks know its not a happy time. My mother is upset because she has the idea in
her head it should go down one way. I don't have an issue with it. Here goes...

He is in the last row against a fence. This graveyard lays out the stone like this.
When you walk up to the stone- you come to it first- right in front of the grave. The whole row is lined up this way.
I prefer it this way because I'm not walking on your grave to see the stone or put flowers on it.
Okay!

Now she sees it like this. The stone is a head stone. The first thing you walk up to is the grave and the stone is in the back. It has her upset and I suspect its more with that than anything. But she has it in her head it has to be this way.

What is technically right in these situations?
My father was a simple hard working man of ultimate integrity.
A man of honor and quiet dignity. I want the best for him but I see my mothers point but
I also would not want people walking on his grave to reach the tombstone and he is the last of the row far left.

My mother has agreed to let this post decide. I bragged you guys up so please share your opinion with us!

Thank you!

 

[Vern_in_IL]

There is no technical right here, what is right in this situation is family custom.

Whatever was done in the past, is continued. It is considered disrespectful to stand on a grave.

It's really the family customs you should embrace and observe.

 

[Shannow]

When people walk towards your bed do they approach the head, or the foot of the bed ?

Hospitals, and certainly me have the head of the bed against a wall...my daughter liked the head of her bed mid room from 10-13, but then chose the "norm"

When you look at a grave typically, you are expecting the words to be the head, and reflecting on the "bed" in front of it.

I get that you may be trampling the person, but that's where stones and bricks and things go to prevent that.

I prefer the horizontal tombstone, laid flat, over the area of importance. Idiot kids don't wander around kicking over that which can't be kicked over, and no-one is really likely to stand astride it and read it.

If it's a full burial, or a plastic pot of ashes, it's the same...

 

[LoneRanger]

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your father, I know this is a difficult time for you and your family and you have my condolences. Some cemeteries do not budge on marker placement, type, and dimensions and some do. Hopefully this one does. If it were me I would try to think how dad would have considered the matter. Would he have wanted to maintain the symmetry of the cemetery spaces or would he have relished being the maverick who's marker placement catches the eye when surveying the space? Or would he have simply wanted the wishes of your mother be abided? Since the plot is on the end, putting it at the head of the grave will not impede foot traffic with the narrow clearance it would create between the vertically neighboring marker. I guess I would say place it at the head of the plot as your mother wants. It won't impede foot traffic being on the end and if anything it will draw visitors over to it and they will see the tribute to your father that is inscribed upon it, and he will at least for the moment be in people's thoughts whom he might not otherwise have been if they hadn't glanced over and said "hey that one's different" and strolled over to have a look.

 

[skyactiv]

Is your father's feet pointing east? Is this because she wants the marker facing east?

 

[ARCOgraphite]

I this a family plot? Maybe have it moved so the stone could be placed at the head. or, have a flat stone.

 

[Kuato]

Stone at your father's head. A nod to the cemetery to do it right.

 

[double vanos]

I keep up with the real Russian blog on you tube. In one of his episodes he cleaned up his grandmothers' grave. Her grave had a small fence around it, maybe a foot or so high. I had never seen such a thing before but it does put a definite barrier around the grave to mark it and protect it against being accidentally walked over. The headstone was inside the fenced area and the fence allowed flowers and such things to be attached to them or leaned up against them.
After cleaning up his grandmothers' grave it looked very nice and was truly respectful. Don't know if you could do such a thing ( grave yard rules) but if you could, you could honor your moms wishes and know that the grave was well defined.
Sorry for your loss; wish the best for you in this trying time.

 

[JHZR2]

Sorry to hear of your loss. I think the two critical items are cemetery aesthetics and your mothers desires. Since it seems that they are in conflict here, it's a tough situation.

I think that since there is an established aesthetic, that should be respected and maintained. I agree it is bad form to step on a grave, but guess what? It happens when the grass is mowed, the stone is weed whacked, etc. You don't want to just willy nilly walk on it, but sometimes it's a practical reality. I'm sure the deceased will forgive you.

If it's that big of a concern, do a European style grave setup where the plot has borders, planting a in it, and the grass walkway is defined on the sides.

 

[AirgunSavant]

Thank you all for your kind remarks and suggestions!

 

[mr_boring]

My condolences.

Would your father care? Perhaps you could photoshop one in BOTH ways and maybe that would help her....

 

[SatinSilver]

I like your mom's idea since it's the traditional way. It will give her some comfort doing it this way. Now's not the time to make more changes to what's normal for her. She has enough to deal with right now so one less thing will help. I'll be going through this same type of decision making with my mom very soon since my dad is in hospice. My mom will get upset with the smallest of issues. Like me trying to clean up the garage by getting rid of some small empty medical boxes. My condolences.

 

[DuckRyder]

My condolences on your loss.

FWIW - some googling seems to indicate that some sort of marker should be placed at the head even if a "footstone" is used and that it was practice overseas to bury felons with only a footstone.

FWIW 2 - I think the first consideration should probably what you fathers thoughts would have been, I think your mother is probably in the best position to know this. While I do think the children(s) wishes should have weight, I think the final decision should rest with your mother.

If there is one thing I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, this thread should not be the deciding factor.

 

[gfh77665]

I mean this with all respect, but your Dad is not there. I have not visited my Dad's or Moms grave site since the burials in 1999 and 2007. When someone randomly asks me why, I tell them because they are not there, they went to their real home.

 

[AutoMechanic]

I have visited my dads parents graves I never got to meet his dad or step mom but I met his mom she died in 2014 but I have visited a few times but it’s 200 miles away from home so not very often. And all my moms family is out in the Midwest where they are from originally and we haven’t visited those the times we have went out there.

 

[Leo99]

I mean this with all respect, but your Dad is not there. I have not visited my Dad's or Moms grave site since the burials in 1999 and 2007. When someone randomly asks me why, I tell them because they are not there, they went to their real home.

My mother took me way too many times to the cemetery when I was a little kid. I never go now. My family cemetery did away with tombstones decades ago and only uses the flat memorial markers.

When a loved one passes, sometimes a relatively minor matter takes on great significance. In this case, OP's mother might not like either option. At the foot, the tombstone is in the wrong place and at the head it will be out of alignment with the others.

I assume OP's mother will be interred in the same or adjacent site? That's always a creepy, depressing thing when there's a plot reserved for someone.

Good luck.

 

[02SE]

I mean this with all respect, but your Dad is not there. I have not visited my Dad's or Moms grave site since the burials in 1999 and 2007. When someone randomly asks me why, I tell them because they are not there, they went to their real home.

Why would you bring back this nearly 5 year old thread?

 

[gfh77665]

Why would you bring back this nearly 5 year old thread?

I did not. I saw it on the right side of the screen

 

[AutoMechanic]

I did not. Why do you think I did?

Yours is the first post since 2016. Unless their was a post before yours that got deleted. I didn’t even realize the date till after I replied and the OP isn’t on the forum anymore either so he won’t see.

 

[gfh77665]

I agree. I did not notice the date either. I see new threads and posts on the right side of the screen, and found it there. I did not go looking for it. I dunno what happened.

Even if its 5 years old it is not time sensitive. Still a good discussion IMO.