The following is a basic guide to Valentine's Day survival
for men, which was faxed to me by the nice ladies down
at "Romance Anonymous," formerly known as "Men Are
Pigs But We Can't Kill Them."
STEP ONE: The minimum requirement is to let the woman
know you care. The least expensive way is to look at her --
preferably somewhere on her face -- and say, "I love you,
[her name here]." If you forget her name, don't bother with
the rest of the steps. You're dead.
STEP TWO: A Valentine card is an acceptable nonverbal
token of appreciation. Best of all, it's cheap. Good
Valentines are pink with lots of lace and have cute words
such as "I'll love my sugar bunny forever and ever and ever
and ... " Bad Valentine cards say, "Good for one free
quart of motor oil."
STEP THREE: Candy. For some scientific reason that
makes no sense, women regard chocolate the same way
men view beer. While a handful of M&Ms is OK, women
tend to expect something a bit nicer. Wrapped for starters.
STEP FOUR: Jewelery. A bit pricier, especially if you did
not bother with steps 1-3. If you did, you might get by with
a small but hideously expensive ring, necklace, or tiara.
Keep in mind most women, even in Utah , do not consider
aluminum, tin or a Mylar balloon to be a precious metal.
STEP FIVE: Lingerie. Be careful. Not only does it have to
be the right size and caliber, it must also match any of
the 8 billion feelings she currently has about herself. To
be safe, tell the clerk you're looking for something that
can't be used to strangle you in your sleep.
STEP SIX: Romantic getaways are good for couples with
more than .002 kids. Studies prove that not even bacteria
can reproduce when a toddler is beating on the bedroom
door with a Fisher-Price toy. Depending on the size of
your family, the romantic getaway may have to cross at
least three international boundaries.
STEP SEVEN: Unlike men, women give points for trying.
So do something. Anything is better than nothing.
If you don't believe me, I can show you last year's knot
on the back of my head.
for men, which was faxed to me by the nice ladies down
at "Romance Anonymous," formerly known as "Men Are
Pigs But We Can't Kill Them."
STEP ONE: The minimum requirement is to let the woman
know you care. The least expensive way is to look at her --
preferably somewhere on her face -- and say, "I love you,
[her name here]." If you forget her name, don't bother with
the rest of the steps. You're dead.
STEP TWO: A Valentine card is an acceptable nonverbal
token of appreciation. Best of all, it's cheap. Good
Valentines are pink with lots of lace and have cute words
such as "I'll love my sugar bunny forever and ever and ever
and ... " Bad Valentine cards say, "Good for one free
quart of motor oil."
STEP THREE: Candy. For some scientific reason that
makes no sense, women regard chocolate the same way
men view beer. While a handful of M&Ms is OK, women
tend to expect something a bit nicer. Wrapped for starters.
STEP FOUR: Jewelery. A bit pricier, especially if you did
not bother with steps 1-3. If you did, you might get by with
a small but hideously expensive ring, necklace, or tiara.
Keep in mind most women, even in Utah , do not consider
aluminum, tin or a Mylar balloon to be a precious metal.
STEP FIVE: Lingerie. Be careful. Not only does it have to
be the right size and caliber, it must also match any of
the 8 billion feelings she currently has about herself. To
be safe, tell the clerk you're looking for something that
can't be used to strangle you in your sleep.
STEP SIX: Romantic getaways are good for couples with
more than .002 kids. Studies prove that not even bacteria
can reproduce when a toddler is beating on the bedroom
door with a Fisher-Price toy. Depending on the size of
your family, the romantic getaway may have to cross at
least three international boundaries.
STEP SEVEN: Unlike men, women give points for trying.
So do something. Anything is better than nothing.
If you don't believe me, I can show you last year's knot
on the back of my head.
