Quips from a South African Airline's crew that reminds me of southwest.
Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg.
Kulula airline attendantsmake an effort to make the in-flight "safety
lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real
examples that have been heard or reported: (see below)
On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where
you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a
flight attendantannounced, "People, people we're not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot
said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this airplane."
"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business
as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop atDurban Airport, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a
flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening
the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as
[censored] everything has shifted."
>From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 toPort Elizabeth.
To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
"In the event of a sudden loss ofcabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one
small child, pick your favourite."
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more thanKulula Airlines."
"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlinesis
pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in
the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Kulula 255 just after a veryhard landinginCape Town: The
flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump
and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and
bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight
it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats
with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated asCaptain Kangaroobounces us to
Anairline pilotwrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said
that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal.."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."
Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke,
the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light
'em, you can smoke 'em."
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.