what do you say to someone who is getting a divorce?

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"I'm really sorry to hear about that, but I hope you're able to work out a deal that's fair to everyone."

That's my suggestion, anyway. If you want to get nosy, you could say "I thought you guys were so happy. What happened?" I wouldn't recommend that, however, unless you're close to your sister. I'm sure you'll find out the whole story sooner or later anyway.
 
I know from personal experience that there isn't much you can say. It is a tough thing to go through and with all the emotions of the heart and head it is hard to think straight. Don't feel bad about not knowing what to say just be there for your sister and help her keep a level head.

Like Pablo said, tell your sister to stay "single" during this time. My lawyer advised me that things can get ugly if someone starts dating "too quick". In my case my "ex" cheated on me but my lawyer didn't want her to be able to sling mud if it got ugly. Fortunately it was a smooth transaction that took about 8 months with no kids and no contesting anything by either side.
 
I'm sorry to hear that but it seems that you may be a little more upset than she is (atleast from your post).

And "What do you say...?" nothing. Listen instead. Unless you have been through what she is going through, then there isn't much you're going to say to help her or make it better. Listen to what she has to say and be supportive whatever that may be for you and her.
 
Ask who's getting the Porshe? ha ha ha....OK, that was probably cruel. But like you said, there has obviously been something going on for a while and now it's at this point. Sometimes counseling, a NEUTRAL third party, can help and see different angles that the other party may not have looked into. But since she's your sister, your loyalty must lie with her. Face it, relationships come and go, but families are what's going to be there after it's all said and done.
 
I would say that divorce hurts worse than staying married, growing and working out the problems, it does little to solve any problems, and only adds to the problems that already existed.

If your sister had a "church wedding" I'd remind her that the vows were about what she would do, and not a promise that she would only stay if she was happy. That there are only a few biblical reasons where divorce is justified, and that if she were divorcing for those reasons, you would back her 100% after she has demonstrated that she has tried everything possible to preserve the covenant made.

If she just fell out of love with him (like a lot of women do, 2/3rds of divorces are filed by unhappy, but not necessarily betrayed women, BTW) then I'd remind her that love is a verb, an action, and not a feeling.

I have little sympathy for those who cheat on their spouses or quitters who do nothing, but bail out when the going gets rough.
 
On the other side of that coin....when divorce is a viable option, why live your ENTIRE life miserable, or even unhappy? I would hope that they've both reached a point in the marriage where they're both desperately unhappy before they get this drastic, and if so then go for it and try to make the most of the remainder of your lives. If either or both are just wanting to pursue other romantic avenues, then shame on them.
 
I agree with the idea of not being miserable or unhappy.

I disagree that an affair or divorce should be the first course of action, never an affair, and divorce only in the case of an unrepentant covenant breaking spouse.

Otherwise, your vow means nothing. There is nothing in the vows about until unhappiness do we part.

You can't "find" happiness, you have to make it. Too many people get married thinking it will make them happy.

If you expect that, you will be disappointed. You get married because you want to help contribute to the happiness of another, and only marry someone who has the same beliefs, that their vows are a pledge to contribute to the happiness of their spouse.

Too many get divorced because they can't stop being the center of their universe when they get married, and expect their spouse to make them happy without being willing to do the same for their spouse.
 
I agree, I will choose much more carefully next time. There will be NO children (I've taken care of my end of that arrangement) and there will be a pre-nuptual that describes what we both agree the vow means and that the breaking of that vow by either party means the unfaithful party forfeting rights to any assets accumulated during the marriage.

You can't keep someone, but you can prevent them from taking any children and cash with them.
 
Call me old-school and I've had five step mothers and been divorced myself, but pre-nups are death nails in a marriage. It leaves, to me, that trust issue out in left field.
 
But doesn't it also call trust into question when one or the other bucks the idea of a pre-nup when it's mentioned? I'd happily sign one, as I feel the willingness to do so reinforces your intentions to make the union work, monetary issues aside.
 
Schmoe,

I've heard the arugment before, and I don't mean a "one-sided" pre-nupt that says who gets what. Instead, a pre-nupt that describes what happens if anyone breaks their vows.

More like a marriage contract, stating what marriage is, what is expected, and what happens if someone breaks the contract.

Not the protection of my wealth, saying what someone else gets if I get tired of being married to her. Instead, making the vow mean something in this age of "no-fault" divorce where someone can just say I'm tired of this and I want 1/2.

If a woman is not willing to sign a legally binding document of what she believes defines marriage, then she doesn't want to be my wife, and I don't want someone who doesn't believe this in the same way as I do.
 
quote:

Originally posted by javacontour:
I've heard the arugment before, and I don't mean a "one-sided" pre-nupt that says who gets what. Instead, a pre-nupt that describes what happens if anyone breaks their vows. .

I agree. The fact is that 60+% of marriages today will likely fail. This contract makes a breakup less financially devestating and forces both parties look at something called "reality"-rather than the handxsome prince and beautiful princess living happily everafter.
 
"I'll pray for BOTH of you and the kids."

In this case be honest and open with both of them, that She is your Sis but He is a friend ( if you have that kind of relationship). Here's what I would say to him or her. *** I also would make it clear I WILL NOT GET BETWEEN OR BE USED AS A INTERMEDIARY FOR THE DIVORCE.***

"In the meantime I am your friend, feel free to call or contact me at anytime if you need to talk or vent."

I have beem married 27 years and healthy relationships are no cakewalk. *** knows why she stays with such a pain in the buttocks as me...
 
quote:

Originally posted by javacontour:

Too many get divorced because they can't stop being the center of their universe when they get married, and expect their spouse to make them happy without being willing to do the same for their spouse.


Well stated.

One-sided relationships don't work, vows or not.
 
quote:

I'd happily sign one, as I feel the willingness to do so reinforces your intentions to make the union work, monetary issues aside.

What about bringing a living will into a relationship?
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Well, they made a good go of it, but now it's time to help them stay civil and get thru the process. Being surprised and 'nosey' and is ok as long as you're being sincere.
 
Well,

As someone who just went through it after 15 years, there is not much to say.

I guess, offering to lend a "ear" I think helps with the person getting the "frustrations" out.

I would also say to try to show them the positives of divorce. Maybe they will have a chance to be happy in ways they weren't when they were married. It's not the end of the world even though it feels like it sometimes.

The way I feel right now changes by the hour and the day. I just celebrated my 16th anniversary (alone, with a 12 pack) I didn't drink them all though so that's a good sign, only 9 of them.

I think I have a long way to go as far as getting my head screwed on right, but I'm not giving up.

Hope this helps.
 
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