Passion in Relationships

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An odd topic for a forum like this, but what the heck....

Does passion always fade in relationships/marriage and do they inevitably become more of a friendship/companionship? I personally think Sternberg's Theory of Love is pretty good. It seems you need all 3 components, which are:

1.Intimacy – Which encompasses feelings of attachment, closeness, connectedness, and bondedness.
2.Passion – Which encompasses drives connected to both limerence and sexual attraction.
3.Commitment – Which encompasses, in the short term, the decision to remain with another, and in the long term, plans made with that other.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangular_theory_of_love

I also think many people think their relationships/marriages should be that of a Hollywood movie. That's just unrealistic.

I know the mystery/passion fades over time, but hopefully the intimacy doesn't bc once that fades, I feel it's tough to keep going.
 
It seems that some of the Hollywood is true, the scenes with the 30 something kids walking in on the mom and dad, and realizing that they have a more vibrant sex life.that seems to be more true than not, however there are relationships without much passion, just ask the Norwegians
 
You need to work at relationships, and it seems that the effort is uneven in just about all of them. But, if one partner puts in an effort the other usually does more than they normally would, which is good.

It doesn't have to be elaborate or expensive but surprises and anything out of the routine is the ticket in my experience. That could be as simple as a drive in the country one Saturday afternoon or a night or two in a local hotel together.

All relationships are unique so you have to tailor the effort to what fits your relationship but you will do best when whatever you two do is something you both enjoy, once in a while.
 
Commitment - yes. The rest is a joke. Pick a mate like you pick a car, make sure it doesn't go [censored] up until 300k. No rust, no funny noises, handles good, doesn't magically turn into a minivan -- close enough.
 
Originally Posted By: hansj3
It seems that some of the Hollywood is true, the scenes with the 30 something kids walking in on the mom and dad, and realizing that they have a more vibrant sex life.that seems to be more true than not, however there are relationships without much passion, just ask the Norwegians


Hey, hey, hey! I'm Norwegian heritage and am very passionate.
My Asian wife, not so much.
frown.gif
 
Were pretty young so I cant say for the long run, but Id admit on here that all three are healthy and well.

Maybe it helps that both of our parental sets are still married, and that both of our families have like zero divorce rate? I don't know.

There are so many differentiations in brain chemistry, personality, etc. that Im sure there is no one size fits all element. But I would put out these observations as to issues observed amongst family, friends and others' parents:

1) Television and sports - While TV, movies, events, etc can be bonding opportunities, quite often the "boob tube" does just that... Make people dumb, lethargic, addicted, and often one sided. It amazes me how people have the time to sit down multiple times a week for multiple hours to watch their shows. Ditto for watching sports... Or watching other sports at sports bars (away from their family).

2) Physical fitness - another one that is a tool that affects other things. Im neither talking size zero nor size 12 here for women, nor am I talking marathoner or offensize lineman for men... But fitness, body structure, etc. does play into #1 and 2 in the OP.

3) One-sided consumption - even if legal, one-sided socializing at the bar, cigar lounge, etc. separates people and impacts the bond and family unit, IMO. Ditto for one-sided shopping. There is a place for self-time, or socializing with a specific circle of friends that is healthy, but being together as a committed family unit is also critical, and one often gets in the way of the other.

4) Financial alignment - while two spouses wont necessarily earn the same (or in the case of a stay-at-home, vastly different levels), but their goals and interactions need to align and be consistently checked and discussed.

5) Commitment for the sake of commitment - This can go dangerously far... I have encountered friends' parents who essentially stayed together just for the kids, and broke up as the oldest were heading out to college. That can still create an enormous amount of strain through remaining formative years.

6) Negative circles - Ive encountered folks who are "whipped", who can say no good about their SO, even their kids. Its sad... But if one person sees no good then there is bound to be friction and negativity.

WRT Hollywood, I think it is a big cross of things...

-No, not everyone looks like a model. But these excuses for being large don't help others' internal wiring either. That's not an attack on men or women who are larger, but there is some level of expectation that Hollywood presents that is false.

-Womanizing is a big issue, especially in some cultures and in some music.

-Take a walk through any supermarket checkout aisle and these dirt magazines tell rumors about who is breaking up with whom, etc. It means that its "ok" to weak minded folks.

-Erosion of morals, which can mean different things to different people, does affect the family structure (even if family is just a spousal pair). All the hot button topics which may have some root in a good reason for being an issue, can be taken too far in either direction and create polarity. Just like it creates polarity in the population at large, it can do so in smaller structures too.


Im sure there's tons more to say... It was an interesting thing to think about at lunchtime...
 
Of all those mentioned by the OP...I think passion is the one most likely to fade, or at least subdue itself into some sort of hibernation.
As you grow older with someone, the intimacy and commitment can be as solid as an old oak tree. But sexually speaking, for many of us...that part loses it's significance when compared to when we were younger. Now if I was the type of guy that was into very short term relationships, I'm sure that part would be at the forefront. I would be lying if I didn't say that as a man, the thought of different females in the "hay" didn't enter into my mind now and then. But with my partner...the closeness...the loyalty we have...our common interests...no way would I ruin all that for some new experience in bed.
Not worth it.
 
No boom-boom after 55. Fact of Life - designed that way, and my father never told me.
So ....

That's why there's BITOG and lots of angst
smile.gif
 
Originally Posted By: ARCOgraphite
No boom-boom after 55. Fact of Life - designed that way, and my father never told me.
So ....

That's why there's BITOG and lots of angst
smile.gif



Ha ha ha...partially true.
 
Originally Posted By: JHZR2
Were pretty young so I cant say for the long run, but Id admit on here that all three are healthy and well.

Maybe it helps that both of our parental sets are still married, and that both of our families have like zero divorce rate? I don't know.

There are so many differentiations in brain chemistry, personality, etc. that Im sure there is no one size fits all element. But I would put out these observations as to issues observed amongst family, friends and others' parents:

1) Television and sports - While TV, movies, events, etc can be bonding opportunities, quite often the "boob tube" does just that... Make people dumb, lethargic, addicted, and often one sided. It amazes me how people have the time to sit down multiple times a week for multiple hours to watch their shows. Ditto for watching sports... Or watching other sports at sports bars (away from their family).

2) Physical fitness - another one that is a tool that affects other things. Im neither talking size zero nor size 12 here for women, nor am I talking marathoner or offensize lineman for men... But fitness, body structure, etc. does play into #1 and 2 in the OP.

3) One-sided consumption - even if legal, one-sided socializing at the bar, cigar lounge, etc. separates people and impacts the bond and family unit, IMO. Ditto for one-sided shopping. There is a place for self-time, or socializing with a specific circle of friends that is healthy, but being together as a committed family unit is also critical, and one often gets in the way of the other.

4) Financial alignment - while two spouses wont necessarily earn the same (or in the case of a stay-at-home, vastly different levels), but their goals and interactions need to align and be consistently checked and discussed.

5) Commitment for the sake of commitment - This can go dangerously far... I have encountered friends' parents who essentially stayed together just for the kids, and broke up as the oldest were heading out to college. That can still create an enormous amount of strain through remaining formative years.

6) Negative circles - Ive encountered folks who are "whipped", who can say no good about their SO, even their kids. Its sad... But if one person sees no good then there is bound to be friction and negativity.

WRT Hollywood, I think it is a big cross of things...

-No, not everyone looks like a model. But these excuses for being large don't help others' internal wiring either. That's not an attack on men or women who are larger, but there is some level of expectation that Hollywood presents that is false.

-Womanizing is a big issue, especially in some cultures and in some music.

-Take a walk through any supermarket checkout aisle and these dirt magazines tell rumors about who is breaking up with whom, etc. It means that its "ok" to weak minded folks.

-Erosion of morals, which can mean different things to different people, does affect the family structure (even if family is just a spousal pair). All the hot button topics which may have some root in a good reason for being an issue, can be taken too far in either direction and create polarity. Just like it creates polarity in the population at large, it can do so in smaller structures too.


Im sure there's tons more to say... It was an interesting thing to think about at lunchtime...


A good summary.

Quote:
No boom-boom after 55. Fact of Life - designed that way, and my father never told me.
So ....


That is not the case for everyone over 55.

Boom-boom still going on here!
grin2.gif
banana2.gif
 
But is passion all about a bussy sexlife? I Mean No doubt it is important. But you can have pasionate sex With a woman you have known for 4 hours. But it can take years before you share your deep thoughts and feelings With a person.
 
Originally Posted By: Turk
Originally Posted By: hansj3
It seems that some of the Hollywood is true, the scenes with the 30 something kids walking in on the mom and dad, and realizing that they have a more vibrant sex life.that seems to be more true than not, however there are relationships without much passion, just ask the Norwegians


Hey, hey, hey! I'm Norwegian heritage and am very passionate.
My Asian wife, not so much.
frown.gif


Maybe it's the lutefisk.....
 
Originally Posted By: MolaKule
Quote:
No boom-boom after 55. Fact of Life - designed that way, and my father never told me.
So ....


That is not the case for everyone over 55.

Boom-boom still going on here!
grin2.gif
banana2.gif



I sure hope to go way beyond 55. It's still ways to go for me, but maybe it's a good opportunity to convince the wife to pick up the pace while we still can
grin.gif
 
Originally Posted By: shDK
But is passion all about a bussy sexlife? I Mean No doubt it is important. But you can have pasionate sex With a woman you have known for 4 hours. But it can take years before you share your deep thoughts and feelings With a person.




I agree. Per the outline definition from the OP...passion relates to sexual enjoyment.

As you age...most, but not all...experience a reduction in that passion. Especially so if you are monogamous for years. I think that's completely normal. Some guys can't deal with it and still have the "passion" while the female partner does not. That's when the character of the man gets tested. Of course, females can sometimes be the one with the stronger libido. Same thing.

But yes...the deep thoughts...feelings....real companionship found in a long term, older age couple...is very pleasant. That can't be found in a one nighter...but the two things are really quite different in my opinion.
 
Originally Posted By: Inspecktor
Maybe it's the lutefisk.....


Hey, if you can eat lutefisk, you can surely "eat" anything else that might come to mind!!
;^)

My mother loved lutefisk and my dad would not touch it (and was also not Weegie like her)....maybe that was why they seemed unhappy together??
 
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