Altered Christmas Carols

[GrtArtiste]

"Wrap Your Gift"
(to the tune of "Deck the Halls")

Wrap your gifts with fingers agile, Fa la la...
Seal it up and mark it "fragile", Fa la la...
There's no reason to feel nervous, Fa la la, la la la...
You can trust the Postal Service, Fa la la...

Hear the postal worker singing, Fa la la...
As your parcel he is flinging, Fa la la...
See it crumple in the bin there, Fa la la, la la la...
Aren't you sorry you walked in there? Fa la la...

See your parcel speed to Philly, Fa la la...
Through the air to cousin Billy, Fa la la...
It will end up in Savannah, Fa la la, la la la...
Via Nome and Butte, Montana, Fa la la...
--------------------------------------------
Sam and Roz Are Comin' To Town (to the tune of Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town)

You'd better give up,
On Christmas this year;
You haven't a chance
With relatives here;
Sam and Roz are coming to town

They're bringing their kids,
To add to your fun;
They're staying 10 days
You thought it was one;
Sam and Roz are coming to town

They'll monopolize your bathroom,
They'll destroy your solitude;
They will eat you out of house and home,
Then complain about the food.

Oh, there's only one way,
To save your Noel,
Just give them the house
And take a hotel.
Sam and Roz are coming to town.

Sung to the tune of: It Came Upon a Midnight Clear

This plane we boarded last evening, dear
to start on our holiday spree.
We read a book and enjoyed a meal
and saw a movie for free.
We pushed our seats back and slept 'till dawn,
then chatted together past noon.
It's been real fu-un, and now let's hope
that we'll be taking off soon.
--------------------------------------------------

(Tune – Walking In A Winter Wonderland)

Doorbells ring, it's the season
And you know what's the reason
There's someone out there
Who's after his share
Stickin' out his greedy little hand.

First to come, is the doorman
He'll complain he's a poor man
The janitor's next on some weak pretext
Stickin' out his greedy little hand.

"Then will come the superintendents visit.
He will ring your doorbell loud and long.
You will open up and ask who is it.
He just smiles and sings a Christmas song.

Later on...you'll give cash up.
To the man..who picks the trash up.
How nice they're all here.
For one day a year.
Stickin' out their greedy little hand."

I'd love to post the one about Bambi the streetwalker but ya'll know I can't because...IT'S THE LAW.

GrtArtiste

 

[chiefsfan1]

LOL
Bob Rivers is a gas.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wn6HI5JQBhQ

 

[Kuato]

Those are great! I'll take a PM about Bambi.

 

[CarbonSteel]

This is one of my favorites and I heard it as a child in 1975 and could only remember "Japanese transistor radio" for years, but through the power of Google, I found it a few some time ago:

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
Allan Sherman
Note: "S" is Sherman, "C" is the chorus and "B" is both

S: On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me
A Japanese transistor radio
C: On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me
S: Green polka dot pajamas
C: And a Japanese transistor radio
S: It's a Nakashuma
C: On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me
S: A calendar book with the name of my insurance man
C: Green polka dot pajamas and a Japanese transistor radio
S: It's the Mark 4 model - that's the one that's discontinued
C: On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
S: A simulated alligator wallet
C: A calendar book with the name of my insurance man, green polka dot pajamas and a Japanese transistor radio
S: And it comes with a leatherette case with holes in it so you can listen right through the case
C: On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
S: A statue of a lady with a clock where her stomach ought to be
C: A simulated alligator wallet, a calendar book with the name of my insurance man, green polka dot pajamas and a Japanese transistor radio
S: And it has a wire with a thing on one end that you can stick in your ear and a thing on the other end you can't stick anywhere because it's bent
C: On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
S: A hammered aluminum nutcracker, and all that other stuff
C: And a Japanese transistor radio
C: On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me
S: A pink satin pillow that said "San Diego" with fringe all around it and all that other stuff
C: And a Japanese transistor radio
C: On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
S: An indoor plastic birdbath
C: All that other stuff
S: And a Japanese transistor radio
C: On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
S: A pair of teak wood shower cloths
C: And a Japanese transistor radio
C: On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
S: A chromium combination manicure, scissors and cigarette lighter
C: And a Japanese transistor radio
C: On the eleventh day of christmas my true love gave to me
S: An automatic vegetable slicer that works when you see it on television, but not when you get it home
C: And a Japanese transistor radio
S: On the twelfth day of Christmas although it may seem strange
S: On the twelfth day of Christmas I'm going to exchange
S: An automatic vegetable slicer that works when you see it on television but not when you get it home
C: A chromium combination manicure, scissors and cigarette lighter
S: A pair of teakwood showercloths
C: An indoor plastic birdbath
S: A pink satin pillow that said "San Diego" with fringe all around it
C: A hammered aluminum nutcracker
S: A statue of a lady with a clock where her stomach ought to be
C: A simulated alligator wallet
S: A calendar book with the name of my insurance man
C: Green polka dot pajamas
B: AND A JAPANESE TRANSISTOR RADIO
S: MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY!

 

[GrtArtiste]

Originally Posted By: Kuato
Those are great! I'll take a PM about Bambi.

I would be happy to supply it, if I can get someone in authority to assure me that I won't get banned for doing so. It has no profanity, but does contain a few overt sexual references.

GrtArtiste

 

[John_K]

I cope with crass Christmas commercialism by writing my own lyrics like this:

"We Wish You A Merry Christmas"

We wish you would spend more money,
We wish you would spend more money,
We wish you would spend more money,
And make payments next year

Big profits you'll bring,
To bosses in charge
We hope that your Visa
Bill is very large

We wish you would spend more money,
We wish you would spend more money,
We wish you would spend more money,
And make payments next year

Big profits you'll bring,
To us and our boss
We don't want to end
The year with a loss

 

[Shannow]

From downunder

We wish you a Merry Christmas
and a Happy Few Beers.

 

[Spazdog]

 

[Kuato]

Originally Posted By: GrtArtiste
Originally Posted By: Kuato
Those are great! I'll take a PM about Bambi.

I would be happy to supply it, if I can get someone in authority to assure me that I won't get banned for doing so. It has no profanity, but does contain a few overt sexual references.

GrtArtiste


Included you in the PM.

 

[Trajan]

He knows when you are sleeping.

He knows when you're on the can.

He'll hunt you down and blast your [censored] from here to Pakistan.

You better not breathe.

You better not move.

You're better off dead I'm telling you dude.

Santa Claus is gunning you down.

 

[Shannow]

You can always Google
Kevin Wilson Santa Clause for an Aussie take on the day.