"Keeping in touch" after moving...

[97tbird]

This is a bit random, but this IS the place for OT stuff, so..

This is something I muse / mull over from time to time:

A lot of us have been in the situation where a friend / colleague at work (strictly speaking of friends / colleagues AT WORK here, and NOT super close very long term old friends, etc) move away or change jobs, etc., and how she/he says "I will keep in touch", etc...
(and about 90% of them never do, but this is just a polite/normal thing to say, I am aware of that fact, too).

However, I have always had this mental rule that the person who MOVED AWAY/LEFT should initiate the so-called "keeping in touch" thing, and NOT the people who were left behind. (of course not immediately; only after a certain period of settling down / getting used to new surrounding/new job etc etc.)

So, due to this self implied "rule" (which I myself practice given the situation), even when people I have genuinely liked moved/changed jobs, I do NOT seek contact or initiate "keeping in touch", and wait for the person who moved away to do it.

And some of them have done that, and some of them haven't... no HUGE loss, as I have almost always correctly predicted who would and who wouldn't...
There have been exceptions.

In a way, it's a bit sad, and I have wondered if some people who leave have exactly the OPPOSITE rule in their minds. (that THEY expect the people from their OLD workplace should initiate K.I.T. first)

Is this "rule" of mine fair/logical at all? or is the OPPOSITE rule more fair ?
Or should there be any rule at all?

 

[exranger06]

Why should there be a rule? If you miss someone and want to talk to them, call them up. I'm sure they won't think you're weird for breaking some imaginary rule.

 

[97tbird]

That's what I am asking too... SHOULD there be a rule? I am just not sure how to decide that.

If i actively MISSED someone I would. That I agree with.
And of course they won't think I am weird, as they don't KNOW that I have such a "rule".

I was thinking more of situations where it's just a common courtesy/manners related thing, where I have liked someone a decent amount, but not to the level of "OMG I miss this person so much, I am really sad"

 

[bubbatime]

Originally Posted By: exranger06
Why should there be a rule? If you miss someone and want to talk to them, call them up. I'm sure they won't think you're weird for breaking some imaginary rule.


THIS. There doesn't need to be some imaginary rule. Communication goes both ways and if you want to talk to a person, then reach out.

 

[97tbird]

Good. I was never under the impression that my "rule" was all out correct / fair. That's why I have started questioning it lately.
It could also be attributed to the fact that I am an introvert, and hesitant in reaching out.
...And perhaps also due to a sense of ill-advised pride.

Anyways, if majority of people think there shouldn't be a rule, I am going to make an effort to change my habit and handle this type of situation differently in the future. It's not easy to break "rules" or habits esp. when you're older, but I think it's worth a try and definitely better than regretting something later in life.

 

[gathermewool]

The person leaving may feel he or she isn't special enough for any one to want to keep in touch, and doesn't want to impose or presume a friendship that may not exist. If you feel otherwise, then say so. In today's day and age, an email or facebook friend request is easy to do, and one message, a few messages or a few dozen messages doesn't imply a life-long BFF-type relationship, so if things fade, then so be it.

A strong friendship may bud, however, so if you think it's worth it, then send a quick message and see what happens.

This, coming from somewhat of a hermit. I tend not to keep in touch, because I'm busy and tired often, and sometimes feel like I have nothing witty or interesting to say to old colleagues. When people have written me or send a quick facebook chat message, I find that I'm able to carry on an enjoyable conversation, even if only for a moment before I head off somewhere or to bed.

 

[97tbird]

Good point in your first sentence. I can see that in SOME situations.

BUT / However, I must clarify that I am speaking of people with whom you ALREADY HAVE established means of communication (in most cases, multiple methods), and HAVE been communicating well almost on a daily basis (at AND outside of work place) prior to departure.
- So there shouldn't be any doubts on that person's mind about "imposing" a friendship/contact or think they're not "special enough". I don't think THAT can be a reason in this case. because the 'friendship'/contact already existed.

(...or is the type of contact that occurs AFTER leaving a place more special? IDK. Perhaps it is.)

So, this is more a question of MAINTAINING it, after a departure, etc., and NOT establishing contact.

(of course the person who LEFT can feel the people who he/she LEFT BEHIND are not special enough to keep in touch with

)

 

[andrewg]

I think in a general sense, you are right about a sort of "rule".....if, for the only reason that the person that HAS moved has had time to settle in and become semi-comfortable and THEN decides to let all those he/she left behind that all is well. I don't think you are off base in presuming that. I know that I would feel weird getting in touch with a work friend too soon after they have moved on. In my opinion, unless you are a REAL friend, it's rather presumptuous to think that the relocated work associate or casual friend wants to be gotten in touch with. Some folks want to start over and leave things behind...including people that they really have no need to keep in touch with. To me, that's another reason to wait and allow them the space to decide if THEY want to truly keep in touch.

Lot's of variables could and should effect the situation however. I think it really comes down to the basic, simple questions of the reality of the relationship you've had with them....the personality of this person...and if YOU feel comfortable in contacting them first.

 

[97tbird]

^ Very nicely written, andrewg.
Thanks.

 

[zppeterson]

No rule for me.

Some you lose touch with, some you don't. The ones you don't want to lose touch with you find yourself wanting to call them to see how they are doing. May not be as frequent as it once was, but in those types of situations you will most likely pick right back up where you left your last conversation.

Distance shouldn't separate a friendship.

 

[L_Sludger]

The premise of this thread reads like a Seinfeld episode.

 

[97tbird]

Yes; i also fully expected some people to get that impression from it.

that's why i always think ppl who can only relate to the topic in a serious manner should participate/contribute.

 

[gathermewool]

Ah, I follow now. I was thinking more along the lines of the guy you work with on occasion, say hello to often, and maybe even have lunch with, but nothing more than that.

I'm the type who usually shies away from making "first contact" with a work associate, but that doesn't include people I've become actual friends with at work. I'm not terribly good at keeping in touch, but still try to put out feelers to those who I feel I connected with.

Even still, the distance, changing priorities, and lack of general things (read: work, school, local) things to talk about make maintaining frequent comm's tough for guys like me. It may be that the guys you're talking about feel the same way, and maybe their rule is the opposite of yours; maybe they feel that, when they give you their info on the way out, that you'd keep in touch if you wanted to.

So, if you feel strongly enough about it, then reach out. If they come back with some half-hearted response, then to heck with 'em; move on.

 

[eljefino]

This is actually perfect for what facebook is for. You can ignore them but allow them to contact you (with job offers and that sort of networking!) and or they can keep up on the minutaie of your life, and have a conversation starter if someone does want to reach out and be in touch. Or they can ignore you and you won't really know or have your feelings hurt.

 

[Pop_Rivit]

Dear Confused in Fayetteville,

According to Letitia Baldrige, foremost authority on etiquette, there is no hard and fast rule for keeping in touch after moving. With the availability of social media in these modern times, if someone doesn't keep in touch they don't want to keep in touch. People often say they'll keep in touch when they don't mean it; new friends and colleagues are made in the new location and become the focus of their lives. Old acquaintances, especially ones that aren't that important, are forgotten. In these cases letting go can be emotionally healthier for you.

Sincerely,
Ann Landers

 

[97tbird]

LOL ! Thanks.

 

[raytseng]

reminds me somewhat of the rules of dating where women get frustrated and angry because "why won't he call me", without realizing they can initiate the conversation themselves. But That has some gender roles and gender expectations there; which makes it different than the situation described.

It's a two way street these days. If it has crossed your mind enough to think about someone then reach out. Nobody in this day and age is going to think you rude for reaching out to keep in touch and will ignore you. They will politely end the conversation (or ignore you for other methods) and you should get the hint.

If you're spewing out your life story and using an email list like a blog or spam instead of having 1-on-1 conversations; that's not reaching out, that's either narcissism or desperation.

 

[97tbird]

Originally Posted By: raytseng
If you're spewing out your life story and using an email list like a blog or spam instead of having 1-on-1 conversations; that's not reaching out, that's either narcissism or desperation.

Oh no - that's not me at all. I am referring to completely normal maintenance of contact and keeping in touch. But I know what you mean.

 

[raytseng]

lol, yep, I got that, but I personally do know of said situation, where 1 person had misread social cues and basically used an email list to "friends" and family like a diary and sent weekly writings about what he'd been up to.

That is not keeping in touch, that's a 1-way street. That itch is better fulfilled by blogs or facebook and other mechanisms.


But yea, if it even crosses your mind about someone, take the initiative and reach out.

 

[dlundblad]

I am the kind of person that would miss anyone I enjoyed working with. I try to reach out to people occasionally when I think about it, but sometimes I wonder if its not enough. Heck they may wonder the same thing.

Its just one of those life (Seinfeld) things. They aren't reaching out to me and I am certainly not ignoring them. If one contacted the other we would be happy to exchange words.