Australian Tourism: questions answered

[expat]

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism website. Obviously the answers came from fellow Aussies.....just trying to help:

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.(USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

 

[Astro14]

That is pretty cheeky...and I did laugh, but if you're going to be funny, you should at least endeavor to get your facts straight...

Turning 90 degrees from South doesn't get you North, for example. While it doesn't have rattlesnakes, there are venomous snakes in Australia, quite a few species, in fact...

 

[yonyon]

Originally Posted By: Astro14

Turning 90 degrees from South doesn't get you North, for example.


Those Aussies seem to be a tricky bunch. The other 90 degrees must be in the rest of the directions that you have to buy after you get there.

 

[earlyre]

drop bears. excellent.

 

[Shannow]

The North/South thing is a real issue.

I was hosting a seminar in site once with some very very intelligent engineers from one of the bigger industry bodies.

During the orientation, I suggested that the emergency muster point was south, and pointed in that direction, when a gruff individual (with Dr before his name) said "do you mean North or South ?"

"South"

"Well why did you point North ?"

Turns out that I was pointing away from the mid-day sun, which he stated was North, I tried to point out that in the southern hemisphere, the sun is North, away from the sun is south, the sun rises on your right, and sets on your left facing it.

He called me an idiot.

And it's common.

The snakes thing is just saying "go play in the road".

 

[Astro14]

I wouldn't have argued with you in your native country on the North/South directions...I am well aware of what happens in the sky...surprising how many people forget that...

I clearly didn't get the snakes thing...too cheeky for me...took it for real...

Still, in all, pretty funny!

Cheers,
Astro

 

[Shannow]

'sallgood

 

[javacontour]

I swear, I could probably make money selling software for travelers that re-calibrates their hard disk for travel to the Southern Hemisphere. Throw in some stuff about the Coriolis Effect and rotational differences in the N vs the S and you have to be careful your HDD doesn't spin backwards and corrupt your data

 

[MolaKule]

 

[jaj]

Before you get too chuffed about hard disks, when I worked down there on an engineering project for a while back in the 90's, one of the problems we had was that the computer CRT consoles had to be "southern hemisphere" models. Really - northern ones wouldn't work, even if you spent all day degaussing them. The customer for the project was in northern Europe, and that meant that we had to scrap all the CRT's and buy new ones when the job was ready to ship.