Several Funnies just got in my email

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Subject: I'm On A Committee!

-Author Unknown

Oh give me some pity, I'm on a committee, Which means that from morning to night,

We attend, and amend, and contend, and defend Without a conclusion in sight.

We confer and concur, we defer and demur, And reiterate all of our thoughts.

We revise the agenda with frequent addenda, And consider a load of reports.

We compose and propose, we suppose and oppose, And the points of procedure are fun!

But though various notions are brought up as motions, There's terribly little gets done.

We resolve and absolve, but we never dissolve, Since it's out of the question for us.

What a shattering pity to end our committee, Where else could we make such a fuss.


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These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the
country
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went
through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They stretch after
awhile."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed
of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write
anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes,sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? OK., I'm warning you not to do that again
or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk
or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."
12. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
13. "How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of
yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
Sign here."

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Subject: MENSA LIST 2008

All,
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered to form a real word.

17. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

16. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

15. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding a stupid person that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

14. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

13. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

12. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

11. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

8. Karmageddon: Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

7. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

6. Glibido: All talk and no action.

5. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

4. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

3. Beelzebug (n.): [censored] in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

2. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

#1 pick:

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and jerk.
 
Police comment number 9 is funny
LOL.gif
 
Hermits have no peer pressure.

Steven Wright

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Woidz

Nostrildamus:
The aborted sneeze, for example. You feel it coming, you get ready - and it fizzles out.
Other alternatives: adenoidance, eruptus interruptus,
nosedud, noblow and gesundnotquite - Unknown
~
Hohophobia:
The anxiety that is felt each year on first hearing Christmas music in a mall
Other alternatives: jingle blahs or Santa Affective Disorder (SAD) - Unknown
~
Oldielocks:
The thinning pony tail that some balding boomers wear
Other alternatives: dork-handle, ratlet, and phoneytail
~
Hameo:
The person who tries to get on TV by jumping up and down behind a reporter
Other alternatives: jerk-on-the-box, parasight, tele-bitionist,
teletwirp and vidiot - Unknown
~
Motorolamouth
Someone who engages in the obnoxious use of cellphones in public places
~
Forevuary:
The long, cold, dark span between New Year's Day and Good Friday
~
Cranksinatra:
The sound of a car engine trying to start on a cold winter morning in the driveway - Unknown
~
Asscapades:
A perilous dance performed inadvertently on ice or hard-packed snow
Other alternatives: floptrot, hopsicle, triple klutz and
dance of the sore bum fairies, icekaputs - Unknown
~
Indian bummer:
The blast of winter that comes after the first few days of spring warmth
- in other words, the opposite of Indian summer - Unknown
~
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants - A. Whitney Brown
~
He has Van Gogh's ear for music - Billy Wilder
~
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence - Ashleigh Brilliant
~
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats - one billion Chinese couldn't care less - Unknown
~
Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets - Dr. Who
~
I don't want to work but I have to work to make enough money so I don't have to work - Adrienne E. Gusoff
~
I'd be normal, but I had a family - Adrienne E. Gusoff
~
It's not how GOOD you are but how BAD you want it


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The Things Our Children Say

* "Close the curtains," requested our 2 year old grand- daughter, sitting in a pool of bright light. "The sun's looking at me too hard."

* My friend asked our grandson when he would turn 6. He replied, "When I'm tired of being 5."

* Seeing her first hailstorm, Mary Sue, age 3, exclaimed, "Mommy, it's raining dumplings!"

* As I frantically waved away a pesky fly with a white dishtowel, my granddaughter observed, "Maybe he thinks you're surrendering."

* Announcing to daughter Lori that her aunt just had a baby and it looked like her uncle, she said, "You mean he has a mustache?"

* When I asked our grandson if he could name the capital of Florida, he fired right back, "capital F!"

* While shampooing our son, 4, I noted his hair was growing so fast he'd soon need it cut. He replied, "Maybe we shouldn't water it so much."

* My daughter told her 5-year-old that their van was going to be fixed. Instantly, the small fry assumed, "Oh, it's going to the tire-o-practor?"

* Impressed by her 5-year-old's vocabulary, my friend complimented the young scholar, who nonchalantly responded, "I have words in my head I haven't even used yet."

* His mom informed her son, Brian, that she was going outside to get a little sun. "But Mommy, he gulped, "You already have a son -- me!"

* When our son asked about two look-alike classmates at school, we told him they were probably twins. The next day, he came home from school all bubbly and said, "Guess what? They are not only twins, they're brothers!
 
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